[Raquel doorbells from outside]
When will it all stop? I need my rest.
BrianALF, do we have to go into the kitchen?
Where have you been keeping him? [runs up to ALF] There he is! [laughs] I laugh just looking at you.
[laughs] Mr. Shumway, would you be willing to come over and meet my bridge club? They all adore you.
Look, any other time, I would have said "yes." But I have a life now.
[laughs] I love this funny man. Well, would you at least autograph a picture for me?
Brian! I don't do my own autographs. But I will touch the photo. [Brian gives Raquel a photo]
Well, I'd better get back. Thank you, Mr. Shumway.
Yeah. You're welcome. Check her for money and get her out of here.
[laughs] He ad-libbed for me! [laughs] Oh, I hope to see you around. Save me a fur ball. [leaves the house]
Well, I'm off to the track. I thought I'd fritter away some more of my money. [laughs]
But what about the, lifetime achievement award you're being given tonight? Shouldn't you be working on your acceptance speech?
I'll wing it. Oh, and sorry I didn't invite you to the ceremony. But you know why that is.
Because once, we said you weren't funny.
That's right. Now, you know where you belong.
WKWillie and Kate
The attic.
And don't touch my things!
[Willie and Kate head to the attic]
[arrives at the kitchen while the family is having breakfast] Oh. Hi, everybody.
Morning, ALF. How are you this fine Saturday morning?
Alright. I'll be better once I have some coffee and we talk about death.
I believe it was Nietzsche who put it best. "Life is short. And when it ends we crumble and stink like an overripe blue cheese."
Brian
What's he talking about?
I found some pictures of you guys taken before my arrival. Notice anything obvious?
Besides being incredibly happy?
Actually, what struck me is how much you've aged. Especially you, Kate. I still have 400 years ahead of me. What am I gonna do when you guys move in with the dirt people?
Well, we hadn't really thought about it. Uh, I suppose you'll move in with Lynn.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, wait a minute. This is the first I've heard of this.
Brian
I'm sorry, ALF, but I just can't commit.
[while looking at a picture] I should have crashed on a planet where people live longer. I never plan ahead.
ALF, you're driving us crazy with this death obsession. You and Woody Allen. At least it's funny when he does it.
Oh, he's just bitter because he can't sell a sitcom.
Well, whatever. Come on, everybody. We're not gonna be home too late.
Wait! Do you have to go? Well, what if something happens to you?
ALF, for the last time, nothing is going to happen. We're only going to a bar mitzvah.
Still, I want you to take two cars and drive fast through the bad neighborhoods. Kate, you take the lead car and wear something bright to draw their fire.
ALF, has anyone ever told you when you dwell on something you become annoyingly obsessed?
Come on, we're running late, hon. Bye, ALF.
Brian
Bye, ALF.
Bye. Hey, whatever you do don't get trapped between fat people and the buffet table! Oh, who am I kidding? I've gotta face facts. One day, Willie and Kate are gonna take that 6-foot dive. And then what? [picks up a picture and stares at it] Oh, Lynn. Sweet, unfocused Lynn. Maybe you're my hope.
[ALF is in Brian, Sr.'s dream]
BSBrian, Sr.
Here you go, ALF. I gave you some extra meat fat.
Brian, is this eating-on-the-floor thing gonna be permanent?
BSBrian, Sr.
I'm sorry. Roxanne doesn't want anything with fur at the table unless she's wearing it.
The cat gets to eat at the table.
BSBrian, Sr.
I know it seems inconsistent, but she says it's not. And I believe her.
BSBrian, Sr.
There you go again. You've got a persecution complex a mile long. Brakes fail. Elevator cables snap. Beds go aflame.
All before lunch? Come on, B, what do you say we grab a few pillow cases of this cash get some plastic surgery and start over?
BSBrian, Sr.
ALF, Roxanne is my wife, and I love her. Besides, her family's olive-oil business has been very good for all of us.
Oh, Brian, Brian. Stupid Brian. Have you seen one olive in the last 20 years? Your wife runs the most powerful mob family in North Hollywood.
BSBrian, Sr.
That's not true. You take that back!
Oh, come on. Why is there always so much cash around here?
BSBrian, Sr.
Okay. Alright. I asked her about that. She said a lot of their olive oil is sold on freeway off-ramps. It's a cash business. [the musicians come to visit Brian, Sr.'s house] Hello, sweetheart. [he and his wife kiss]
RRoxanne
I've missed you.
BSBrian, Sr.
Hey, Vinnie. Hey, Buck.
RRoxanne
Boys, why don't you wait outside until the big concert tonight?
BSBrian, Sr.
I think it is so nice that you give them time off to pursue their musical career. God.
RRoxanne
ALF, I brought you something. [ALF gasps] Do you know what that means?
Didn't Uncle Louie get one of these just before that freak welding accident?
Brian, Jr. My favorite, favorite child.
AAngel
[annoyed] It's bothering me again.
RRoxanne
Oh, don't worry, Brian. I gave it a black rose.
BSBrian, Sr.
Honey, I'm gonna go into town. I'm gonna get a manicure and a facial.
Good idea. I'll go with you. I could use a mudpack.
RRoxanne
I don't want you leaving the compound right now. I know, why don't you go upstairs and try on that nice, little present I got you when I was in Washington at those pesky committee hearings?
BSBrian, Sr.
Cool! A guy could get used to this.
AAngel
Mom, yesterday I saw ALF on the couch. And this time, I've got a fur ball to prove it.
Oh, what a nice boy you are. But might I suggest that perhaps the fur ball belongs to the cat?
RRoxanne
You have never liked Fifi, have you? Hmm?
Me? I love that cat. What you may not know is we share the same rare blood type. Which could come in handy if Fifi were ever caught in, oh, say, musical crossfire.
[the musicians come home]
RRoxanne
Boys, take Mr. Shumway to the amphitheater and play for him.
The amphitheater? It's not even finished yet. They're just now pouring the ceme... [whines as his dream with Brian ends] Brian! Wow. Imagine Brian being a kept man. Well, at least he found something he's good at. Life stinks, and then 400 years later, you die. Kind of a bummer, isn't it?
[at the end, the family arrives home]
ALF, I hope you realize we'd never do any of those things. And thanks for having such a high opinion of us.
Brian
ALF, I know you're really worried, and you have every right to be, but just tell me one thing. Did I have all my hair?
Your hair was the least of your problems.
ALF, no matter what happens as long as you have to stay hidden we'll always make provisions for you.
Prove it. Put the house in my name.
[last scene of the series]
It's a fine night to leave the galaxy.
Does anyone know what poison oak looks like?
Why is this so heavy? [opens the box] Isn't this our VCR?
Oh, is it? Ha. You know, I couldn't remember whether I bought that or if you guys, uh. Keep it. I insist.
As I recall, you only had 2 suitcases when you got here. What's in these boxes, anyway?
[as she hears a noise from the sky] ALF, your ride's here.
[Brian hugs ALF, Kate gives ALF a kiss, and Lynn hugs ALF while his ride arrives to pick him up]
No problem, we'll be going against traffic.
[a light shines on ALF]
ALF! Someone's coming! Get back here!
[a group of vans come]
What! [whimpers] Uh oh! Wait! Wait! Don't leave me!
[the Alien Task Force agents arrive]
Brian
ALF! Dad, do something!
AAgent
Stay right where you are!
Uh, hey guys. Want to grab a Burski? How about those Lakers, huh? This is my luck, I'm a sports fan among you.
[the final episode ends while the Alien Task Force agents surround ALF]
ALF · 397 quotes
