[at Ice Kingdom] I said I don't know! [groans] I have nothing to do with this!
Stop lying! We found your fingerprints at the crime scene!
Oh, well... then why did you say that?
Ice King, we know you did it!
Finn, I'm as concerned as you are. There's some sicko out there. What if he comes after my princess?
Yeah. Let me introduce you to my new wife.
[he removes a cloak from a shadowed figure revealing a grotesque mash-up of all the princesses, making Finn and Jake gasp in horror. Ice King looks back and forth]
Oh, wait. You mean I'm the guy stealing all the p— Yeah, okay, I get it now.
Here it is. I hope you like it. [unveils ice sculptures of Ice King and Monster Wife holding hands]
[Monster Wife walks to their sculpture of themselves, tapping its face and puts banana in its mouth, which drops soon after. They look down in a melancholy expression]
MWMonster Wife
Is there something wrong with me? The way I am... it's not normal, is it?
[embraces her] Ohh, pretty baby wife. You're the most normal thing in my whole life. We're like two normal jelly beans sitting at the bottom of the jar, floating in a sea of olives, waiting for somebody to guess how many jelly beans are in the jar, which I mentioned.
MWMonster Wife
I don't think I understand.
Just look into my eyes and know that everything is okay.
[aside Finn and Jake, Bubblegum meets with Goliad in the castle gardens]
I hear you learned a lot today.
GGoliad
Yes. I lead the children.
But Finn said you used yelling and mind control.
GGoliad
Yes. It was good.
Goliad, let me tell you something about leadership. You see this fat bee? She gets pollen from this flower, but she's gentle and makes the flower happy and pollenated. They both get what they need, and that's how a leader should be.
GGoliad
No, Princess. Bee cares not for flower. If getting pollen hurt or kill flower, bee would not care. [crushes, twists bee] Bee is stronger than flower. [uses third eye to resurrect it] Goliad is stronger than bee. [influences bee at Finn and Jake] Goliad is stronger than all.
CCookie
What? Oh.. look... you should probably split, buddy. Things are about to get pretty flipped out in here.
Oh sure, sorry man. I was just tryin' to get away from that rotten Princess Bubblegum for a while, y'know? Isn't she just the worst?
CCookie
Wait, you hate Princess Bubblegum too? Get outta here!
Oh yeah, man, she's the worst! Sittin' out there all safe and cosy while I'm riskin' my life tootin' around in here in a stupid milkman costume...
[...]
Oh, um... I just mean it feels like a costume! Cos I wanted to be a mailman so bad, you see? But the Princess--she made me be a milkman anyway.
CCookie
Boy I here ya, brother.
Okay, okay... How about I give you a big cowboy hat... then will you let the hostages go?
[...]
CCookie
No!! No! Don't play games with me, Princess! I want that crown! No crown, no hostages!
Well, obviously, that's going to be a problem, because I'M the princess and I need my crown. So...
CCookie
No, Princess! You are problem, the problem princess! ...Just gimme that crown!
Hey, Jake. What's wrong? You look dumpy. How come? I-Is it because of that metal box? [runs to Jake looking out the window] Is something sad inside?
There's lots of boxes that have nothing in them. But also, you can put something in the box. And then it won't be empty! Does that make you feel better? [Jake turns to him]
[chuckles] You're a charmer, Finn Human. No... it's, well... Lady Rainicorn doesn't want to play the game Card Wars with me. [shows box full of cards to Finn] I always beat her. 'Cause she says "No more Card Warring."
It's a fantasy card game that's super-complicated and awesome, but— well... oh, it's kinda stupid. Never mind.
How come you never talked abut it before? It sounds cool!
Really? Well, I thought you'd say it was for nerds who do not know how life is outside the nerd universe.
I-It is, man. But I still totally want to play it. So no more moping, okay?
Okay, now it's the battle phase. I'm attacking your schoolhouse with my Husker Knights. [summons three corn-shaped knights] And, I'm casting Cerebral Bloodstorm! [summons a flying brain which rains down a cornfield] So, what do you use to defend? [his Husker Knights and Cerebral Bloodstorm starts charging into Finn's side]
Uhh... can my Cool Dog and Ancient Scholar defeat your Husker Knights? [Jake laughs out loud]
Hmm... Then, I floop the pig.
Okay, okay. First of all, you don't floop a creature to make it fight. You activate a creature.
Hmm, no — it says I can floop the pig. See? [summons a pig]
[the pig is flooped onto the battlefield. It runs past the Knights and Bloodstorm and begins eating the cornfields; Jake gasps in shock]
No! He's eating all my cornfields! My Husker Knights draw energy from corn! [his Knights drop dead]
And since I'm not actually attacking, your Cerebral Bloodstorm only does damage to your own kingdom's troops. [the Bloodstorm strikes thunder to his Knights; Jake gasps loudly]
You just wiped out my entire attack!
What do you expect if all your power units come from corn? Pigs eat corn, dude. Cornfields stink.
Cornfields are awesome!! What makes you think you know so much about Card Wards?!
You're the cool guy, huh? Well, let me make it a little hot for you, then. (He chuckles sinisterly as he floops a land card) I floop the VOLCANO!
WHA!? That'll destroy your kingdom, too, won't it?!
(Jake's Earlings also perish in the lava as it destroys Jake's domain.)
(chuckles) The pig is dead.
YOU GANKED MY SPIRIT WALKER!!!
(Angered, Jake gets up and has a fit, mumbling frustratedly as he thrashes around.)
Uh...maybe we should take a break?
(Jake turns back around and returns to the table.)
(grows large) YOU PLAY! YOU PLAY!!!
(Finn looks back on BMO's earlier statement, "I do not play such games...with Jake.", and he stands up.)
I gotta use the boy-style room!
(Finn runs upstairs to search for BMO.)
BMO CHOP! If this were a real attack, you'd be dead.
Oh, no! Are you winning the game of Card Wars?
That's terrible! If Jake loses that game, he gets super depressed. When I beat him, he wouldn't talk to me for a month!
Wha? I only played so he wouldn't be bummed.
Finn, you must take a dive.
Yeah, okay. But I'm a Card Wars super-Amadeus.
Magic Man, you caused nothing but turmoil and chaos for us on Mars. We thought banishing you to this world would help you see the light of our utopian supersociety. Now tell us. What have you learned in these past 200 years?
JJake (Magic Man)
...Are you guys talkin' to me?
You know you made life on Mars a nightmare!
[Finn wakes up groaning to see Grob Gob Glob Grod and Jake in Magic Man's body]
Now we must return you to Mars, where vengeance awaits thee.
[Grob Gob Glob Grod blasts off into the sky with Jake. Finn looks at Magic Man in Jake's body]
Magic Man! [pounds him] Get up!
[flips himself back up] Hyup-hoop! They took my friend to Mars! Fly me there and help me save him!
Oh, I'm sorry, but I can't. You see? [wiggles fingers] The transfer drained me. I can probably barely float. So, I just gotta wait till they kill your friend. See ya! [floats away laughing before Finn jumps on his back]
NO!! What do you mean "kill"?!
They're gonna put him on trial for my crimes. Ain't nobody gonna pardon these crimes on my head. Not even the King of Mars! And once he's dead, my magic juice will return to my body. Flowing through me like moonlight through the ghost dance.
[squeezes Magic Man] SQUEEEEZE!!!
I wish I could help. Except I don't!
He is here somewhere, my brothers. Glob, can you see Magic Man on the sensor?
Yes, Gob. Our little brother is very close.
Okay. [flips Grob's head on the front]
GGrob
I'm gonna activate the thingy that drains his magic juice. [activates sensor]
Nahhh! My juice! [wiggles fingers] Not... flowing... right. Dream on, honey! You can't catch this! [he starts running then jumps into the air doing a continuous somersault] Magic away! Pshewww! [disappears momentarily then pops back on the ground] Whap!
GGrod
Yes, I see him as well.
Looks like your date went pretty good, buddy.
Uh... I don't know. Was the hug okay? Give me some tips, mang.
Bro, you gotta let things take their natural path. Look. [forms his arm into a staircase with 15 steps] Look, let me explain some junk about dating. Right now you're at Tier 1, which is hugging. But pretty soon, you'll be at Tier 2, which is smooching. Then down the road you'll make it to Tier 5, where she'll let you discover all fifteen feet of her long, beautiful stomach. And after a while, you'll make it to Tier 8, where you touch her horn for the very first time. Very special.
[sharply] You stay away from that! [beat] Do not do Tier 15!!!
Dude, I got no idea what you're talking about.
