Jack Donaghy quotes from 30 Rock

Liz

It was the cheese curls.

Jack

Pardon?

Liz

Causing the false positives on my home pregnancy tests. Apparently, Sabor de Soledad gets its special tangy flavor from evaporated bull semen.

Jack

That explains your hair's thickness and shine.

Liz

Apparently, in Mexico women use it to stop their periods before Cinco de Mayo.

Jack

I'm a little afraid to ask if you're still eating them.

Liz

(dejectedly) They're so good.

Liz

I got rid of all my Colin Firth movies in case they consider them erotica.

Jack

That man can wear a sweater.

Jack

What I'm saying is: don't dress for the job you have, dress for the job you want to have. So now, Manny?

Tomorrow I show up for work, dressed as a Mexican Wrestler.

Jack

This is G.E.!

It's just G now, Jack, I sold the E. To Samsung. They're Samesung now.

Kenneth

[Excited about cable TV] There's a whole channel on the cable that just tells you what's on the other channels!

Jack

I know, Kenneth. It's okay.

Kenneth

I'm glad I'm not a white man, Mr. Donaghy. ...Is SpongeBob SquarePants supposed to be terrifying?

Jack

You're darn right he is, Kenneth.

Liz

No, listen to me. She's not fun, she's just crazy. Like, grab-a-cop's-gun crazy.

Jack

Lemon, having known Claire for a very enjoyable 20 minutes and you for what feels like infinity, I'm going to go with Claire on this one.

Liz

What is wrong with you men? You're like junkies...why can't you just say no?

Jack

Lemon, let me explain something to you that you could have no way of knowing: emotionally unstable women are fantastic in the sack and their self-loathing translates into... never mind.

Kenneth

I've had to send more money home lately. There are problems on the farm. After years of inbreeding the pigs are getting violent and the pig shield around the house has worn thin.

Jack

Kenneth, how much money do you have in your savings?

Kenneth

Well, let's see. [looks in his coffee can] Eighty thousand dollars!

Jack

If you don't include Confederate money?

Kenneth

Four thousand dollars!

He's gonna' do it! Gavin Volure's gonna' jump!

Jack Donaghy

Don't Gavin! That's gotta be fifteen, sixteen feet!

Liz

We need to get these guys! Don't you know the Postmaster General?

Jack

I do, but we had a falling out over the Jerry Garcia stamp. If I wanted to lick a hippie, I'd return Joan Baez's phone calls.

Jack

i love you mother and i dont want you to die.

im not going to, jackie.

Jack

Look, you should know that I'm doing this for a woman. [shows Hector a picture of Elisa] This woman.

Wow. I am super-gay and I would totally switch for her.

Jack

She's amazing, but her grandmother hates me because she hates the Generalissimo, so he's gotta go.

[chuckles] El Generalissimo doesn't have to die to clear the way to the abuela. Not if the abuela comes to love him.

Jack

But that's impossible.

Seduction is never impossible for El Generalissimo. I will become everything that old Hispanic women desire. I will make her love me.

Jack

You really think you can pull that off?

It will be the performance of a lifetime, like Julie Harris in the The Belle of Amherst.

Jack

Wow. You are... surprisingly gay.

Elisa

You over-analyze everything with your big head!

Jack

Well you have big boobs.

Elisa

Which you'll NEVER touch again!!

Jack

This conversation has taken an unfortunate turn.

Don't you have faith?

Jack

I have faith... in things I can see and buy and deregulate. Capitalism is my religion. Now, you want to have an intellectual argument? Fine, but I should warn you, I went to Princeton.

I went to Harvard Divinity School.

Jack

[scoffs] You crimson guys never miss a chance, do you? You want a confession? Let's get this done so I can go eat. I'm divorced. I take the Lord's name in vain often and with great relish. I hit my mother with a car, possibly by accident. [jump cut] ...I almost let him choke to death right there on the football field. I looked the other way when my wig-based parent company turned a bunch of children orange. I once claimed "I am God" during a deposition. [jump cut] and... I may have sodomized our former Vice President while under the influence of some weapons-grade narcotics. [sighs] It feels good to say that out loud actually. That one was weighing on me.

Wow! I, uh, I don't know what to say.

Jack

I don't want you to say anything. I thought I'd made that perfectly clear.

Then... what brought you here tonight?

Jack

What brought me here tonight? What brings anyone anywhere? Why do men build bridges, why are there jets? I was hoping to have sex tonight. [glances at the priest] Have you ever made love to a woman, Father?

[weakly] Come on, man...

Jack

Now let me hear you say the seven most important words in the American judicial system.

Frank

My client has no memory of that.

Jack

I also would have accepted "You can't prove that's the governor's semen."