Jack Donaghy quotes from 30 Rock

Jack

Lemon - there was once a great American named George Henderson. He met a woodland ape, or sasquatch, and, despite its dangerous message of environmentalism, became his friend. When the time came to do the hard thing and send it back into the forest where it belonged, and birds could perch on its shoulder because it was gentle, George Henderson summoned the strength and by God he did it! Did it hurt? You bet it hurt. Like a bastard. But he did it because it was the right thing to do. For the woodland ape. You think about that.

Liz

What?! ...Is that Harry and the Hendersons?

Jack

You've seen it?

Liz

This is my life, Jack!

Jack

Alright everyone, it's back to the drawing board. Legal rejected all of our ideas - every one of the names we came up with was offensive in some language, including English, Frank.

Frank

They knew what a Hot Richard was?

Jack

The bubble isn't always a bad thing. Look at me. I turned out okay.

Liz

Jack, I want you to pay close attention to the following over-the-top eye roll. [rolls eyes] Oh, brother.

Jack

Lemon, I don't share this often, but this is a photo of me when I was 25 years old.

Liz

What the what?! You have a Superman chest!

Jack

I know.

Liz

Oh my God, the lady will have two tickets to the gun show! Your eyes are so much bluer... what happened to your eyes?

Jack

My point is, Lemon, the bubble doesn't last forever, so get in there with Drew and enjoy those perks while you can.

Liz

Can I keep that?

Jack

No. It's my only copy.

Jack

You wake a sleepwalker, you risk getting urinated on.

Liz

Or thanked! ...on.

Jack

What happens to us?

Liz

We grow up.

Jack

I had a good life, but I'll never be that happy again. I want THAT back.

Liz

[Singing while eating cheese] Working on my night cheese. [knock at the door] Uhh, Jack! Do you know what time it is? I was sound asleep.

Jack

I heard you singing "Night Cheese". Lemon, I've had a crazy night. We all could learn a lot from Tracy Jordan. We went out clubbing; his life is like Enron 1999. It's wild.

Elisa

[sneaks in] I'm sure it was!

Liz

How are you so quiet when your parades are so loud?!

Liz

Where are you gonna get a kidney from?

Jack

I don't know, but I have the entire liberal media establishment at my disposal. The same manipulation machine that got people to vote for Barack Obama, and donate all that money after Rainstorm Katrina. I'm going to use that to find my Dad a kidney.

Jack

The television audience doesn't want your elitist, east coast, alternative, intellectual, left wing...

Liz

Just say Jewish Jack, this is taking forever.

Tracy

What made you change your mind?

Jack

Tracy Jr. made you an acrostic.

Tracy

Well, I hope he made me an acrosse helmet so I don't get hurt playing acrosse! [seeing Jack's confused stare] Now come on, that's pretty solid for a guy who just came out of an hallucination.

Jack

What have children ever done for us?

Kenneth

Well, they make our shoes and wallets.

Sir, a Mr. Adouche is on the phone? I. M. Adouche.

Jack

I am a douche? [winces] Banks!! [picks up phone] What do you want?

Devon

Did you say it?

Jack

No, I knew right away.

Jack

Moron says what?

Devon

What?

Devon

Moron says what? Jack? ...Jack?

Liz

Really - you want to exchange creative gifts? Oh, well, you are the one that's in trouble now, buddy, because creativity to me is just like... like a... bird, like a friendly bird, that embraces all... ideas, and just like, shoots... out of its eyes, all kinds of beauty.

Jack

Wow, Lemon, this is like watching Hemingway write. Mark Hemingway.

Liz

No, Jack. You were just talking about how you miss office hookups. That is a double standard.

Jack

Calm down.

Liz

I won't calm down. Women are allowed to get angrier than men about double standards.

Liz

So what's going on with you and Nancy, anyway?

Jack

We're just friends. It's platonic. I have elaborate fantasies of her husband dying in a boat explosion.