Kenneth Parcell quotes from 30 Rock

Kenneth

[about coffee] I love how it makes me feel. It's like my heart is trying to hug my brain!

Kenneth

Alcohol? This smells like Hill-people milk. I've been drinking this since I was a baby!"

Kenneth

Mr. Donaghy, I know you said only interrupt you if was very important, but Tishonda from Time Warner Cable is on the phone, and she's offering three free months of Showtime, but we have to act now!

Kenneth

[about his pig] She went crazy! She bit off my nutsack... that I kept tied around my belt to feed the squirrels.

Kenneth

Science was my most favorite subject, especially the Old Testament.

Kenneth

Mr. Baker wants to do everything for himself. I feel about as useless as a mom's college degree.

Kenneth

Miss Lemon, are you okay? Aw! You smell like when the Stone Mountain tire fire joined up with the corpse fire, and then swept through the downtown manure district. It was our fault for letting those high schoolers dance at their prom.

Liz

Kenneth, why did you bet that terrible hand?

Kenneth

Why? Because I believe life is for the living. I believe in taking risks and biting off more than you can chew. And also, people were yelling and I got confused about the rules.

Tracy

But I want you to know something... You and me, it's not gonna be a one-way street. 'Cause I don't believe in one-way streets. Not between people, and not while I'm driving.

Kenneth

Oh, okay.

Tracy

So, here's some advice I wish I woulda got when I was your age: Live every week like it's Shark Week.

Jack

I wanted to talk to you about our corporate "Bottoms-Up Day." Once a year all the senior V.P.s spend one day doing the job of one of our lowest level employees. This year I'll be a page for a day and you'll be my boss.

Kenneth

Thank you, sir!

Jack

That's how the "Bottoms-Up" program works. I'm going to be your bottom, Kenneth, and I want you to ride me as hard as you can.

Oh, no! Dude, is this spinach?

Jack

Yes. You asked for [pulls out a sheet of paper] one spinach salad.

Actually, I wanted the stuff that comes on the spinach salad, but I wanted it with romaine.

Jack

Should I take it back?

I'm supposed to treat you like Kenneth, right?

Jack

That is correct.

[angrily] Well then yeah, genius, get me a new salad. Or, get me a time machine so I can go back and smack your mom for smoking crack while she was pregnant! [to Kenneth, who is standing in the doorway] Too much?

Kenneth

No, that's usually how it goes.

Cerie said she would do it with you.

Kenneth

Well that just makes me perspire.

Yo, Kenneth, we need to talk now.

Kenneth

Oh, I've had this conversation before. You're marrying my mom, aren't you?

Kenneth

So Mr. Donaghy, what can I do for you?

Jack

I heard you were talking to my colleague Devon Banks. Did he tell you why he was in New York?

Kenneth

No sir, we just talked about Anderson Cooper mostly.

Jack

You should get to know Devon, tell him all of your television ideas. You know he started off as a page just like you.

Kenneth

Really? So did I!

Jack

You say the right things, ask him the right questions, I'm sure he could open some doors for you.

Kenneth

Ok. What kinds of questions?

Jack

I'll write them down for you. You call him and tell him you have two tickets for A Chorus Line for tonight. Now Kenneth, have you ever used bronzer?

Kenneth

I like your top. I'm a real good sex person. I do it all the different ways.

Angie

Uh-huh. Well, I don't have a husband any more, so... you can come over anytime.

Kenneth

Oh, I will! I'll come over at night.