Jack Donaghy quotes from 30 Rock

Jack

You've been avoiding me, Lemon.

Liz

How do you do that without turning around?

Jack

To be perfectly honest, the first couple of people I did that to were not you, but... here we are.

Jack

You've got to get back to work and come up with something with or without Tracy, or we are gonna be screwed.

Liz

Okay.

Jack

Maybe this is the drugs talking, but I think I got Nixon to agree to come on the show and say "Sock It To Me."

Jack

All of my summer replacement shows were big hits - America's Next Top Pirate, Are You Stronger Than A Dog, MILF Island.

Liz

MILF Island?

Jack

25 super hot moms, 50 eighth grade boys, no rules.

Liz

Oh yeah, didn't one of those women turn out to be a prostitute?

Jack

That doesn't mean she's not a wonderful, caring MILF.

Liz

I'm telling you, this is my year. I feel like the show's going to be great and I'm very positive that I'm going to meet someone else.

Jack

Women your age are more likely to be mauled at the zoo than get married.

Jack

Lemon, I'm impressed. You're beginning to think like a businessman.

Liz

A businesswoman.

Jack

I don't think that's a word.

Jack

So what are you gonna do with your money? Put it into a 401(k)?

Liz

Yeah, I gotta get one of those.

Jack

What?! Where do you invest your money, Lemon?

Liz

I've got like twelve grand in checking.

Jack

Are you an immigrant?

Jack

What are you doing in Harlem?

Oh I'm working out of the Clinton offices for a few weeks. I'm helping Hillary retool her universal healthcare platform.

Jack

God, I want to kiss you on the mouth to stop you from saying such ridiculous things.

I've been going crazy the last few days thinking about our night together. How you wanted to brush my hair as foreplay. How you made me that Western omelet at 4 a.m. I've never met anyone like you, Jack.

Jack

Be with me, C.C. We'll ignore our differences 'til the sex goes bad then we'll walk away bitter and angry.

Nobody can know we're together. Not even your friend Tracy Jordan out there.

Jack

I don't think you have to worry about Tracy.

Tracy

Stop eating people's old French fries, pigeon; have some self respect! Don't you know you can fly?

Jack

[about C.C.] She is my lover. That's right. She's my liberal, hippy-dippy mama; my groovy chick; my old lady. She was our chief adversary during the Sheinhardt Wig hearings. She wants to tax us all to death and make it legal for a man to marry his own dog. But I think what we have is special, and I'm proud of her. And I'm not going to hide it any longer. I'm Jack Donaghy, damn it! And this is my woman.

I gave to NPR last year.

My children go to public school.

I'm gay.

I'm black.

Jack, thank you so much. And I just wanted you to know that in 1984 I voted for Ronald Reagan.

I murdered my wife.

The machine is mankind's madness and disfigurement. Industry castrates art. The only honesty is in suicide.

Jack

I can't watch any more of these German sitcoms!

Jack

The stutter got so bad I was taken out of my grade and put in the special class, held in the boiler room. My only other classmate was named Gilly. He'd fallen though the ice as a child and was technically dead for 57 minutes. They taught us to sweep sawdust so we could find work at a mill. Of course I overcame the stutter in three languages. On to Princeton, Harvard, the top of the business world. I thought I blocked this out, but a thing like this brings back emotions.

Liz

I'm so sorry.

Jack

I feel like I'm back in that boiler room, making little piles of sawdust while Gilly plays with himself in the corner...

Kenneth

Oh no Sir, I don't vote Republican or Democrat. Choosing is a sin, so I always just write in the Lord's name.

Jack

That's Republican. We count those.

Jack

I just need him awake for a few minutes, can't you... inject something directly into his heart?

Oh, I'd like nothing better. Unfortunately, we have no way of knowing where the heart is. See, every human is different.

Jack

[as water pours from the ceiling] The ceiling appears to be leaking.

No, it's not. We looked into it and it's not.

Jack

Cooter!

That's not my name. My name is James Riley. Cooter Burger? What do you think I am, a cartoon dog? The president named me that!

Jack

He gave you two nicknames?

"Cooter" because I look like a turtle, and "Burger" because he saw me eating a hamburger one time! We have to get out of here.

Jack

Now that's the spirit. But if they're not taking resignations, there's only one way out: we have to work together to get fired.

It wasn't even a hamburger... it was a sandwich.