Pete Hornberger quotes from 30 Rock

Pete

Last time I taught, I was like Robin Williams in Dead Poets Society--by which I mean I got fired.

Pete

So, first you thought he was illiterate and now you think he's lazy? Liz, you are racist.

Liz

No, Tracy took advantage of my white guilt, which is supposed to be used only for good, like over-tipping and supporting Barack Obama.

Liz

This is going to be a bad show.

Pete

Worse than that time we let Tracy do that tribute to August Wilson.

Liz

No, that was my fault. I should have made sure he knew who August Wilson was(closed captioning on Hulu has the line down as "Worse than that time we did that Gilbert and Sullivan parody")

Pete

Maybe we'll be pre-empted by some national news event. How's Gerald Ford's health?(closed captioning on Hulu has the line down as "Maybe we'll be pre-empted by some national news event. It's still hurricane season, right?")

Jenna

Hey, I've gotta miss an hour of rehearsal today 'cause I just found out from my publicist that I've been booked on The View.

Pete

Oh, Jenna, that's great. For the first time in your life, you'll be in a room full of women and you'll be the least crazy one.

Jenna

Yeah, I know!

Liz

You're honestly telling me you don't know who Rosemary Howard is?

Pete

Is she one of the ladies who tried to shoot Gerald Ford?

Liz

Maybe Donald is Tracy's son, because maybe Tracy is sixty.

Pete

No, that's ridiculous.

Liz

Think about it: he can't rap, he has diabetes, a lot of his friends are dead--

Pete

He falls asleep in chairs, he doesn't know how to use a computer, he's always mad at the TV--

His favorite show is NCIS.

Liz

He might be seventy!

Jack

Pete and I are having a little college night.

Liz

Oh yeah you want to see me shotgun this?

Jack

Oh God! She means the pizza!

Pete

She's unhinging her jaw!

You know what sucked about my last lesbian orgy? Right in the middle of it one of us had to get up to go use the bathroom and then we all had to go! [laughs]

Liz

Okay there's something that everyone here needs to see. Abby, you might want to sit down for this.

Yeah, come sit on my struikgewas

Liz

A chair! Come on, Sue. Abby, this is for your own good. Open Apple. Tough love time.

[internet video on laptop] Has anyone ever actually had a good time at brunch? You know-

Pete

Is that you?

I don't know where you found that, but I am taking it DOWN. [laughs] That's what she said!

Liz

Okay, first of all Steve Carell owns "that's what she said." He owns it. And second of all, it's time to stop hiding. A young person helped me online-post this on JoanOfSnark.com. [shows Abby site with article headline "Abby Flynn Before She Was Abby Flynn" and a video of Abby Grossman]

[in real voice] You stupid meddling bitch!

Liz

Yes! There's your real voice! There's Abby Grossman! To quote Eleanor Roosevelt, [in crazy old woman voice] "We are all-"

Do you understand what you've done? You have signed my death warrant.

Liz

How's that now?

My ex-husband is going to see this, he's going to find out where I am and he's going to try to run me over with his car again! I changed my appearance to get away from him!

Liz

Oh, cuz I thought it was like... pressure from society.

You're right Liz, I was hiding: From a man who went insane after being electrocuted while watching Sleeping With the Enemy.

Jenna

I was cut out of that.

Yeah, I was desperate for male attention because I feel safer having men around in case Troy comes back. That is why I slept with Lutz.

And I shall protect her.

Is there an Abby Flynn here?

That her, Troy! I'm on your side! Get her!

Pete

Jeez, Lutz, it's the UPS guy. [Lutz pees himself]

Liz

Okay I think we all owe Abby an apology.

Oh my God. It's from him. "I thought this box would be the perfect size for your head. P.S. I was electrocuted again while watching Seven". Great, I have six hours to start a new life. I'll have to be a redhead this time.

Liz

I don't know... your coloring. You know what, don't listen to me.

You must really hate women, Liz. Liz Lemon is a Judas to all women-kind! [Jenna gives Liz double thumbs up]

Liz

Okay. We were on page six, where Wonder Woman gets her period.