You Can't Do That on Television quotes

Sir? Sir?

What is it, Lisa?

Sir, how come you never went on educational television?

Because I can't make letters appear above my head.

Oh. [Suddenly an O appears above Lisa and drops onto her.]

Doug, did you know that ol' Barth has a contract with the producer of TV commercials?

Why would anyone give Barthy a contract?

Oh, that's easy. You see, when the producers want to make the commercial about stomach pains, ol' Barth provides the burgers to give all the actors indigestion.

Dah, I heard that! Pays good, too.

Alright, pilgrim, give me your dough. Lots of it.

Mom! The pay television channel wants money again!

What, already? [She drops a few coins into the TV.] I just hope it's a good show.

Vanessa, why do you think makeup is so important on this show?

I don't know.

Makeup! Makeup! Sandy, I need my makeup!

Now you know.

All right class, now your homework assignment for tonight. I want you to watch Magnum P.I., Dallas, Hill Street Blues, and Fame. Okay, that's it. Class dismissed.

That lousy creep giving us an assignment like that. It's not fair.

I thought that was a pretty good homework assignment.

No, it wasn't, it was a lousy homework assignment.

What, watching television?

Exactly. You know I never do any of my homework. Now I'll have to miss my favorite TV shows.

"Howard Cosell Loses His Voice" will not be seen at this time because no one could be that lucky.

[Singing with drunk voices] Ninety-nine bottles of beer on the wall, ninety-nine bottles of beer...

[Blows whistle] Empty bottles! You were supposed to collect empty bottles!

[in a drunk voice] We've been emptying them.... [Belch]

Class, CLASS!! Can you please pay attention? Does anybody here have any idea why inte--- "Inestine" was regarded as a great scientist? Kevin?

Oh, uh, I don't know. [braces for the green slime, but nothing happens]

Christine?

I don't know. [she also braces for the slime, which again fails to fall]

Lisa?

[excitedly] Oh! Yes sir, I know!

Wait a second! Wait, wait wait. That's only supposed to happen when people say "I don't know."

Ah, but Lisa, you forget. This is an opposite skit.

[Takes a fingerful of icing from the chocolate cake before her on the table, then thinks better of it] Oh... no, I can't do it. It's a good thing I stopped myself in time. A little chocolate cake binge would have meant another five pounds. Oh, I wish I was thin!

Sorry, but I had trouble hearing that last part.

I said I wish I was thinner.

Thinner! And so you shall be!

The Unfairy Godmother strikes again! ... Wait a minute, I just thought of something; I was going to paint my gazebo this weekend. [Picks up the can of paint thinner and walks off]

Ross, I hope you're not upset that I was making fun of your age and your, um deficiency.

No, really, I'm not, honestly, Moose. No, I realize now the aging process is really part of life's great fair plan.

Ross, that's really great. I thought you might be kind of mad at me.

No, honestly I'm not. In fact, to show my appreciation, there will be no more green slime today!

Are you serious?

Yeah, yeah. No green slime today, and you know why?

Okay, no green slime?

Right.

I don't know!

Where are you going?

But we ran out of green slime... just had blue slime.

(sarcastically) You know, you're a real delight, Ross.

You know, when you're doing a TV show and you're trying to remember your lines like I am right now, you tend to develop a lot of really strange fears. Sometimes you'll forget some of the teapots. ... No, no, what I meant to say is sometimes you'll forget some of the whips. ... Okay, the words. Sometimes you'll forget the words, and you'll leave out an important cabbage. ... Forget it, let's just go on to the next cream pie.

"My Three Sons Of Frankenstein" will not be seen today because we're afraid they've grown up. In its place, we present the following program. Due to the immature theme of the show, no viewer discretion is advised.

Hey, Lisa.

Yeah, Moosie?

Lisa, do you know what I do to little costarlets who keep calling me a dog?

(laughing nervously) Oh, I don't know! (she gets slimed)

I, uh, get my revenge.

"Kermit The Frog Tries To Cross The Highway" will not be seen at this time, in order that we may bring you the following small, cuddly, "Aw, isn't it cute, can you make it do tricks?" production.

Mom, guess what followed me home from school today.

Oh, Eugene, I don't care, we're not keeping it. Toss it off the back porch.

Okay.

What was that?! [Eugene re-enters.]

It was Mrs. Owbokowski, my English teacher.