LLisa
I can't believe Majorie! She copied all her answers off me!
No!
LLisa
Yes. But I got even with her. I wrote all the wrong answers down.
S6 E6Revenge
[The bedroom. Christine lifts her bed sheets and screams, waking up Lisa.]
Yesterday, I put a frog in Alasdair's bed.
LLisa
So?
This morning he put a toad in mine and I put a lizard in his.
LLisa
So?
So take a look at what he did to get even!
[She lifts it partially, and we hear growling. Lisa hides behind her covers.]
S6 E7Wildlife and Animals
Oh, Lisa?
LLisa
Yes, Moosie?
How did you learn to act? Did you take acting lessons, or did you just kind of watch other actors?
LLisa
I guess I learned by watching other actors.
That's what I thought. You know what they say, "Monkey see, monkey do."
AAnnouncer
Wild Wild Kingdom will not be seen at this time. In its place we present a program in which people act like animals.
[In an Opposite sketch, everyone but Lisa has been replaced by an animal.]
LLisa
Just a second! Now how come everyone else is an animal except me?
Well, Lisa, the production department could have made a mistake because you already look kind of like an animal with those hippo hips of yours.
LLisa
Hippo hips? Alasdair, that just wasn't very nice.
Lisa, remember, this is the opposites. I'm not supposed to be nice, chipmunk cheeks.
S6 E8Outer Space
AAnnouncer
"Carl Sagan Meets Billions And Billions Of Martians" will not be seen at this time. In its place, we present the following spaced out show.
S6 E9World Records
AAnnouncer
"Ripley's Incredibly Amazing, Believe It Or Not People" will not be seen at this time. Instead, this network is ashamed to present the show that holds the record for the least number of laughs in a half-hour program. Ha ha. That's one.
I know where the school board finds them. I'm gonna start sending them back.
S6 E10Movies
[Christine is doing her screen test for You Can't Do That On Television - The Movie.]
[enthusiastically, with a big smile on her face] "Hi, and welcome to You Can't Do That On Television, The Movie. Don't ask me what it's about, because I..." excuse me, could we make a small line change here?
DFDirector Frederico Panzarotti
No, no, Christine, it's gotta be done exactly as it's written.
No - it's just that...
PPanzarotti
No, no, no, no - look, you wanna be in the movies?
Yes, of course I do.
PPanzarotti
Then READ THE LINES!
[with much less enthusiasm] "Hi, and welcome to You Can't Do That On Television, The Movie. Don't ask me what it's about... because I don't know."
[Christine is slimed.]
LLisa
[grousing about having to go to the drive-in movie] Oh, I hate sitting in the car and getting bitten by bugs!
The food is terrible, and the video games at the snack bar are out of date!
MMom
Well, you'll have a nice time, children, really.
LLisa
Are we going to same old stupid drive-in on Highway 41? We're always the only car there!
SPSen. Prevert
I'll tell you why we're going there - because that's where I asked your mother to marry me.
LLisa
Oh? Well, what was the movie?
MMom
Bride of Frankenstein.
LLisa
Sounds right to me.
SPSen. Prevert
LIIIIISA! Don't encourage your mother!
AAnnouncer
"Children Of The Corn" will not be seen at this time in order that we may bring you TV's corniest children.
S7 E1Fairy Tales, Myths, and Legends
AAnnouncer
"The A-Team Blows Up The Land Of Oz" will not be seen today in order that we may bring you something more unbelievable.
S7 E2Pop Music
[In the kitchen, Mrs. Prevert is standing on a chair and screaming.]
AAdam
What's the matter, Mom, why are you screaming?
I'm screaming because of the beatles!
AAdam
I know the Beatles were a great rock group, and people used to scream at their concerts, but that was a long time ago! Besides, you're not playing any of their music.
No, I'm not screaming because of those Beatles, I'm screaming because of those beatles! (points at some real beetles on the floor. Adam screams and gets on the chair as well.)
AAdam
Now I'm telling you, Alanis, the rolling stones really do live in there.
The Rolling Stones? Are you sure?
AAdam
Yeah. Now come on, let's get out of here, this is dangerous.
[running up to the front door] Are you kidding? And miss a chance at getting their autographs? Oh, that Mick Jagger is such a hunk... I can't wait to see them... [rings the doorbell]
AAdam
[trying to stop Alanis from ringing the bell] Wait a minute! ... I don't mean THOSE Rolling Stones, Alanis!
[Alanis opens the front door, then screams and quickly runs off to avoid a barrage of giant rocks rolling toward her.]
AAdam
[getting crushed by the giant rocks] I mean THOSE rolling stones! AAAAHHH!
[The kids have just decided to form a band to back Alasdair when he goes out touring.]
Okay, what do we call (the band)?
Beats me.
No, I don't really like the sound of that. Adam, do you have any ideas?
AAdam
I'm thinking, I'm thinking...
No, no, Adam, that's too intellectual. Alanis, you must have a good idea?
I don't know.
[Alanis is slimed.]
[angrily] Alasdair, you did that on PURPOSE! Now I will hate you.
No! Alanis, no, really, it didn't have anything to do with me. I just forgot to tell you that on this show you can't say "I don't know," or you'll get slimed---
[Alasdair is also slimed.]
AAdam
Wait a minute, I've got a great idea! Why don't we call our group the Green Slimes? [shaking Alasdair's hand] Put 'er there, buddy!
Swell. [to Alanis] You okay?
[Alanis, grimacing, digs a handful of slime out of her shirt pocket and drops it on the floor.]
These quotes come from Wikiquote's You Can't Do That on Television pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.