AAnnouncer
"Knight Rider Wants A Ferrari" will not be seen in order that we may bring you the following unenviable piece of trash.
S5 E25Jealousy
S5 E26Wealth
AAnnouncer
"Dunking For Dollars" will not be today so that we may bring you the following costly presentation.
S6 E1Romance & Dating
AAnnouncer
"Love Connection Short Circuits" will not be seen at this time in order that we may bring you the following heartbreaking show.
Hi, and welcome to today's episode of You Can't Do That on Television, about a subject that's heartwarming, soul-stirring, and guaranteed to set your pulse racing.
LLisa
Oh, it's about the latest fashions, nice!
No, Lisa, it's about romance and dating.
Oh, no, it's going to be mushy, isn't it?
Christine, romance makes the world go round.
Yeah, so does centrifugal force.
S6 E3Fears, Worries, and Anxieties
AAnnouncer
"Super Monster Theater" will not be seen at this time. In its place, we present a program that gives us real nightmares.
S6 E4Relatives
AAnnouncer
"Family Ties Tied Much Too Tight" will not be seen at this time so that we may present the following relative disaster.
S6 E5Pessimism/Optimism
Doug, what's the matter?
DDoug
I'm doomed. No one on this show has been slimed yet, and I just know I'm going to be the one to get it.
Cheer up, Doug, you've got to think positive. Anyway, what makes you think you're the one who's going to be slimed?
DDoug
You know, you're right, Vanessa. Why should I feel so down? I don't know what came over me!
[Doug is slimed]
Well, I guess sometimes you've just gotta go with your feelings!
AAnnouncer
"The Wreck Of The Love Boat" will not be seen at this time in order that we may bring you the following, which we don't expect to be very good. On the other hand, maybe it won't be a total disaster, either.
S6 E6Revenge
Justin! You ate all the pancakes!
I was hungry. Next time don't get up so late.
"Next" time? What about this time?! I was all set to come in here and pour the syrup over a big stack of hot pancakes!
Well, find something else to pour your syrup over.
[Laughing] All right, I will.
[Christine pours the syrup over Justin's head.]
Justin, is that what they call "Sweet Revenge"?
[Tasting the syrup] Guess so.
AAnnouncer
"Rambo Shoots The Ayatollah" will not be seen at this time so that we can get our revenge on you by showing this special program.
LLisa
Christine, I could wring your stupid neck.
What are you girls fighting about, anyway?
LLisa
You'll never guess what she did at lunch yesterday.
She took her milk [pours a milk carton down Alasdair's shirt] and poured it down my shirt like this.
Oh, big deal! You know what she did? She took her Jell-O and [takes a handful of Jell-O and stuffs it in Alasdair's shirt pocket] first she put in my pocket [squishes the pocket] like that, and then she took some more and [takes another handful and smooshes it on Alasdair's shirt] smooshed in on my shirt like that, and then she smooshed it [takes a thid handful and smooshes it on Alasdair's shirt collar] on my neck!
LLisa
Well, I was just trying to get even! [grabs a bottle of ketchup] Then you took your ketchup [squirts it on Alasdair's shirt] and squirted it all over me like this!
Lisa... THAT WAS ABSOLUTELY NO REASON [tears a sleeve off Alasdair's shirt] TO RIP THE SLEEVE OFF MY SHIRT!
Now, girls, this is pointless. You have been friends much, much too long to fight. Now, truce?
[He grabs the girls' hands and moves them together.]
Come on, now make up. Truce? There.
LLisa
Sorry.
I'm sorry, too. It was my fault.
[The classroom. Justin is passing a note to Lisa.]
Justin! Lisa! [he grabs the note] Passing little notes again. How many times have I warned you? Well, I'm gonna fix you two. I'm gonna read this little love note to the entire class.
[Everyone else in the class cheers as Schidtler opens the note.]
"Class dismissed."
[The students cheer as they run out of the classroom and Schidtler protests against it.]
[Opposite sketch. Nasti the dungeonkeeper is chained in the dungeon.]
Okay, Alasdair, I guess you finally got your revenge.
Not exactly. Maestro, if you please?
[There is a brief piano scale, then...]
[singing loudly and off-key] ONE MILLION BOTTLES OF BEER ON THE WALL, A MILLION BOTTLES OF BEER...
[as Alasdair continues to sing] What? 999,000? No, don't! Please! I can't stand it! It'll take forever! [moans]
Oh, sandwich again? Boring. What have you got?
I got year old bread with green meat, sour milk, and frankfurter bits in green Jell-o.
Oh, gross!
Justin, never tell your mother she looks good in wrinkles.
[Justin is sitting on the front porch while loud music can be heard from inside. Alasdair enters.]
Hey, what's up, Justin?
My stupid sister and her stupid friends are having a stupid slumber party. They've taken over the whole house, I can't even get into my own room.
It's pretty bad. I say you take revenge out on them, like putting itching powder in their sleeping bags.
I would never do something as juvenile and mature as that.
[Suddenly, we hear screaming and the girls run out of the house.]
[laughing] Besides, frogs work much better!
[Alasdair pulls a small frog out of his pocket and throws it at them.]
These quotes come from Wikiquote's You Can't Do That on Television pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.