You Can't Do That on Television quotes

[Introducing the show] Hi, and welcome to You Can't Do That on Television, another in a series of sour notes.

"Pavarotti Sings The Blues" will not be shown at this time. In its place, we present the following out of tune program.

Attention. Can anyone tell me what the three B's [underlines a "B" on the chalkboard] are? [Brodie raises his hand] Brodie?

The Boss, The Beatles, and The Beach Boys.

No, it's Black Sabbath, Blue Oyster Cult, and the B-52s.

No, no, how classless of you two. Everyone knows that the three B's are Beethoven, Bach, and Brahms.

Wrong. You're all wrong. The three B's are the worker, the drone, and the queen bee. This is a science class, you forgot. You kids have nothing but music on your minds. [The kids begin humming in unison]

"Miss Piggy Sues The National Enquirer" will not be seen at this time in order that we may bring you the following ugly rumor.

Fame will not be seen at this time, but is being desperately sought after by each member of our cast. Who do they think they are?

CUE!

I haven't read the script! I don't know what today's show...

...is about.

[Laughing] It's about Priorities!

Priorities, huh? Yah. Well, I think that from now on, my highest priority in life is, never again to say "I don't know".

You Can't Do That On Television will not be seen today in order that we can get your priorities straight. Now turn off that television and go and do something constructive!

[voiceover, over the show's logo] You Can't Do That On Television has been an Unfriendly production.

[voiceover] You can say that again.

[voiceover] You Can't Do That On Television---

[voiceover] Oh, shut up!

"The Twilight Zone Gets Redeveloped" will not be seen at this time in order that we may present the following unnatural program.

You Can't Do That On Television has been brought to you by the people who bring you ghosts, goblins, and things that go bump in the night. We now return to our irregularly scheduled program, "The Making Of Michael Jackson's Filler".

You know, the producers of this show collect something... idiots.

"Hobby Days" will not be seen at this time in order that we may bring you the following collection... of garbage.

You know, the producers on this show, they collect things, too... idiots.

Show and tell next week, and we will feature collections. Oh, and by the way, you will each have ten minutes.

Alright! I collect insects!

I collect coins.

(surprised) Oh, um, I have to collect my thoughts.

Your thoughts, Lisa? What are you going to do during the other nine and a half minutes?

Must drive you crazy having to torture kids all day long.

And you know, kid, sometimes it does get to me.

Well, why don't you take up a pastime of some sort?

I had one. Oh, I loved it. I used to hunt wolves but I had to give it up.

Well, why? What happened?

It was becoming addictive.

Addictive? How could hunting wolves be addictive?

Well, I was up to two packs a day. [laughs] Hey, either you laugh or you hang here for the rest of your life.