Will Truman quotes from Will & Grace

Karen

Listen, there is nothing wrong with listening to Nathan and Grace have sex. It's a victim-less crime. Like tax evasion or public indecency.

Jack

Yah, or like when a bartender doesn't notice his tip, you can slide it in front of you and leave it as your own.

Karen

Oh great example honey! You are so quick! Like lightning.

Will

That's a terrible example.

Karen

Ohh, I think somebody just mad because somebody didn't think of it first.

Will

Thank God she hasn't broken out the slides yet.

Jack

Ohh, thank God is right!

Will

You know about the slides?

Jack

No, I just assumed it had something to do with her womanity, so I thought we'd just skate right past it.

Will

No. Slides of Grace as a kid. Whenever she hits a real low point, she breaks out the slide projector and spends a few days trying to figure out where it all went wrong.

Jack

I'd say it was the day she became a gay man and fell in love with you.

Jack

I'm auditioning for "corpse on a slab"!

Will

I don't know what that means, but "wear a condom" seems like an appropriate response.

Will

I'm hungry.

Grace

I'm thirsty.

Karen

I could hump a tree.

Will

Now, brace yourself for real dysfunction: WASP dysfunction. You can't see it, you can't talk about it, but you know it's there.

Grace

Like a fart in church. [Everyone stares at Grace] Just tell them about the code.

Will

Ah yes, the code. "Business trip" means my father going away for the weekend with his mistress, also known as "associate" or "client".

Grace

I learned that the hard way last year when I said I was taking on three clients at the same time.

Will

Oh, Grace. You're dating a convict? Does it come to this?

Grace

He's not a convict. He is just some guy who did some white-collar real-estate thing and needs to be behind bars for a little while until he learns his lesson.

Will

Oh. Hey, he wouldn't happen to have a brother who's not gay but likes to have sex with men, does he?

Oh, by the way, Will, that guy that just made partner at my firm -- Brian. He's gay.

Will

Really? The Canadian guy?

Oh, jeez, that was it: Canadian. He's gonna call ya anyway.

Jack

Okay, here's the scoop, Jackson. Elliot's got a basketball tournament in Connecticut this weekend. All the dads are going, but my boss Dorleen the Whore-leen is making me do inventory. So, will you take him? Please? I'll be up on Saturday. Please just say yes. I promise I won't ask for anything else again!

Will

Okay.

Jack

Damn you, Will! Damn your shiny, pointy face and your sarcastic quips!

Will

Hey, lord of the ring-dings, I said I'd do it.

Jack

Oh. Sorry. I wasn't listening.

Grace

I wanna travel the world. Anywhere. Everywhere. You know, as long as it's clean and they speak English and it's safe.

Will

You've just narrowed your world travel plans down to Denver.

Grace

What's up with the wine?

Will

Mrs. Friedman from downstairs gave it to me. It's actually a wonderful story. She and her husband were saving it for a special occasion, but then he, uh, died before they had a chance to open it, so she gave it to me and said, "Make your own special occasion." [pause] I guess that story's not so much wonderful as it is incredibly sad.

Karen

You know what else is incredibly sad? Poor people with big dreams. Actually, that's not so much sad as it is incredibly funny.

Will

You know, we should do this. We should save that wine for a special occasion. You know, something where-- where the four of us have all done something that we're incredibly proud of. You know, we can wait 20 years if we have to... Ah, screw it, open it. I wanna have a buzz for the movies.

Grace

One step ahead of you. I never gave a crap about Mr. Friedman.

When the stalkers leave, it's the first sign that your career is slipping. It's a little tip I picked up from Val Kilmer.

Will

You were in a movie with Val Kilmer?

No, but he was in Top Gun with Tom Cruise, and Tom Cruise was in A Few Good Men with me. [pause] Huh, that was a short one.

Grace

Admit it. You're happiest when I'm miserable. I mean, come on. Isn't that our thing? Because then you don't have to look at how miserable you are.

Will

Shut up, Grace!

Grace

But I am not gonna be miserable for you. I am gonna try to be happy, and if you can't deal with that, then you are even more pathetic than I thought!

Will

Get out of here.

Grace

Go to hell!

Will

No, I mean it - I want you out of here in two weeks! You don't live here anymore.

Grace

Eew. Eew. I think I just stepped in a puddle of throw-up. Throw-up makes me throw up.

Will

Quit jumping. You're gonna have two puddles.

Grace

Please look. Is that throw-up?

Will

Look for yourself! I'm not your vomit-looker.

Jack

Friends, it's finally happened - my fame has reached a whole new level. I just got recognized on the street!

Will

Jack, someone yelling "queer!" from a passing car is not a fan.

Will

Leo, great. And Grace, best of luck.

Grace

Best of luck? Well thanks for coming to my Bat Mitzvah, Uncle Hochum! Have a safe drive back to Syosset!

Karen

I don't know what half those words meant.