Grace Adler quotes from Will & Grace

Grace

You and I, we have to stay focused. You know how sharks are eating machines? We are shopping machines. That means all we do is shop and poop. Shop and poop. Got it? So, what are we going to do now?

Nathan

God, I hope it's shop.

Grace

Karen... I wanna ask you something, but it's really personal, and I'm afraid you're gonna be insensitive.

Karen

Oh, honey. That makes me feel bad. Try me!

Grace

Okay. Do you think it's weird that I've had more partners but less actual sex than Nathan?

Karen

No. No, honey! That just means that people like having sex with Nathan and they don't like having sex with you!

Grace

I can't believe I hesitated to ask you about that.

Karen

Oh, relax, honey. I didn't mean it like that, of course I didn't! Listen to me! I just meant that people don't like having sex with you, okay?

Karen

Oh, before I forget, I just wanted to give you a little extra sparkle. I had to Heimlich it out of Rosario's stomach right before I came over here.

Grace

Oh my God. I'm speechless. I don't know what to say, I'd say something if I weren't so speechless, but I'm speechless so I don't know what to say.

Karen

Oh zip it, it's a loan. Now listen to me. You got 250 on each ear, 500 G's on the wrist, and a cold 7 on the chest. It would take you, your mom and your grandma an entire lifetime of turning tricks at the plaza to get even 1/2 way there. Lose even one and you're dead.

Will

I'm hungry.

Grace

I'm thirsty.

Karen

I could hump a tree.

Will

Now, brace yourself for real dysfunction: WASP dysfunction. You can't see it, you can't talk about it, but you know it's there.

Grace

Like a fart in church. [Everyone stares at Grace] Just tell them about the code.

Will

Ah yes, the code. "Business trip" means my father going away for the weekend with his mistress, also known as "associate" or "client".

Grace

I learned that the hard way last year when I said I was taking on three clients at the same time.

Grace

Did you mean what you said? Are you thinking of having sex with someone else?

Karen

Stop fishing, you big lez! It's not going to be with you!

Grace

Aw shucks, and I made myself all purdy.

Will

Oh, Grace. You're dating a convict? Does it come to this?

Grace

He's not a convict. He is just some guy who did some white-collar real-estate thing and needs to be behind bars for a little while until he learns his lesson.

Will

Oh. Hey, he wouldn't happen to have a brother who's not gay but likes to have sex with men, does he?

Jack

I met Karen's mother. She's not dead. She's a cocktail waitress. It turns out Karen's father died when she was seven. Oh, my God. Can you imagine what Karen looked like when she was seven years old? Cute little pumps, cute little martini, cute little pills. Ah-ha-ha. Anyway, from then on they moved around a lot until Lois met a man, a ne'er-do-well named Bernie. Or was it Todd? I don't know. I can't remember, 'cause at that point I zoned out 'cause some real hot fireman came into the bar. Oh, his name was Todd. That's right. Hot Toddy. Hot Toddy. Hot Toddy. Anyway, what did I do with his number? Actually, when Karen was 16, her and her mother had some big falling-out, and Lois wouldn't tell me what it was; but I have a feeling Karen killed a man with her bare breasts. All this is in my movie. I smell sequel.

Grace

Wow. Karen has a mother?

Karen

Hi, what's going on? What's happening? What's the emergency?

Grace

I think I'm in trouble.

Karen

Well, you came to the right place. Here's what we're gonna do: We're gonna change your name, get you a new face and ship you out of the country. Here's your passport.

Grace

[reading passport] "Rosario Salazar." This is your maid's.

Karen

She don't need it. She ain't going anywhere.

Grace

I wanna travel the world. Anywhere. Everywhere. You know, as long as it's clean and they speak English and it's safe.

Will

You've just narrowed your world travel plans down to Denver.

Grace

Please tell me that you didn't drink your lunch yet.

Karen

Honey, I just got done drinking breakfast. You gotta give the liver a little time to digest!

Grace

What's up with the wine?

Will

Mrs. Friedman from downstairs gave it to me. It's actually a wonderful story. She and her husband were saving it for a special occasion, but then he, uh, died before they had a chance to open it, so she gave it to me and said, "Make your own special occasion." [pause] I guess that story's not so much wonderful as it is incredibly sad.

Karen

You know what else is incredibly sad? Poor people with big dreams. Actually, that's not so much sad as it is incredibly funny.

Will

You know, we should do this. We should save that wine for a special occasion. You know, something where-- where the four of us have all done something that we're incredibly proud of. You know, we can wait 20 years if we have to... Ah, screw it, open it. I wanna have a buzz for the movies.

Grace

One step ahead of you. I never gave a crap about Mr. Friedman.

Karen

Wow. So you and Will are having a baby.

Grace

Ok, now, before you start judging and saying things like, "he's gay," and, "that's weird," and, "you're so flat that Will's gonna have to breast feed", you should know that we are very serious about this.

Karen

Well, of course you are. [chuckling] "Breast feed." I'm funny.

Grace

I've got to tell Will the truth. The whole truth.

Karen

Well, maybe it's for the best. Then you and I can move on with our lives, out in the open, to love freely.

Grace

Karen, we're not a couple.

Karen

[smiles knowingly] Aren't we?

Grace

[pause] No.

Karen

Well, all I know is that when I woke up this morning, there was red hair on my pillow and lesbian porn in the VCR.

Grace

Admit it. You're happiest when I'm miserable. I mean, come on. Isn't that our thing? Because then you don't have to look at how miserable you are.

Will

Shut up, Grace!

Grace

But I am not gonna be miserable for you. I am gonna try to be happy, and if you can't deal with that, then you are even more pathetic than I thought!

Will

Get out of here.

Grace

Go to hell!

Will

No, I mean it - I want you out of here in two weeks! You don't live here anymore.