Shane Botwin quotes from Weeds

Shane

Do you really think evolution is a lie?

Well, I believe that I'm descended from Adam and Eve, and not a monkey.

Shane

So, natural selection, Darwinism, empirical data, none of that factors in for you?

Evolution is just a theory. I mean that's why they call it the Theory of Evolution and not the Fact of Evolution.

Shane

Oh, what about-

Silas

Hey, you asked your question. Now, shut the fuck up.

Nancy

Silas, don't swear at your brother. Shane, don't antagonize Tara. Tara, keep saving it for the Lord! Where the fuck's Andy?

She's got a great ass, your mom.

Shane Botwin

Don't be gross.

Nancy

[looking at Bubbie sleeping] Jesus, time is cruel. We should start taking fish oil.

Andy

And green tea.

Shane

Yeah, 'cause that'll totally reverse the effects of 90-plus years of life. Get real. It's all downhill from 30 on.

Andy

Shut up!

Nancy

Be quiet. [Silas walks in] What did they say?

Silas

That the nurse was fired a month ago. Said a family member called and said he was taking over her care.

Andy

Oh, shit, family member? No, no, no. Forget this. I'm leaving.

Nancy

Oh, no, wait. We don't know for sure. Don't you have cousins? Isn't he on a riverboat somewhere?

Andy

He probably sunk it. It's him. I know it's him. Look. Look around. Paintings missing from the wall. All right, here we go. Tchotchkes missing. Bubbie's watching the World Poker Tour? [looks in the fridge] Ah! Look. [holds up boxed wine] He's here.

Lenny

Excuse me. who the hell are you, bursting in here like this and telling me how to take care of Grandma? With Not-Francie, no less.

Shane

Who?

Lenny

It's your mother. Never mind.

Shane

Her name is Nancy.

Andy

He knows that. He just won't say it.

Silas

Who's Francie?

Lenny

That's the woman your father should've married.

Doug Wilson

What happened to all the cheese?

Lenny Botwin

Is that her pimp?

Shane Botwin

My mom is not a prostitute!

Lenny Botwin

Well she's definitely a criminal of some kind. Did she rob a bank?

Shane Botwin

No!

Lenny Botwin

A Costco?

Shane Botwin

No!

Lenny Botwin

Is she a coke dealer?

Shane Botwin

Um...no.

Doug Wilson

What happened to all the cheese?

Lenny Botwin

Weed!Your mothers a weed dealer!!

Shane Botwin

Give me back her money.

Doug

Hey, dude. What's going on?

Shane

[Silas is putting is grow-house in his room] Teenage rebellion.

Doug

Fuck, yeah! Stick it to the old people.

Shane

What are you doing here?

Doug

Eating cereal.

Shane

I mean, why are you here in our house, Mr. Wilson? Where's your family?

Doug

My family left me, buddy. My life's a toilet. These corn flakes, they're old. My asshole is on fire. I hate myself. You happy now?

Silas

Weren't Lawn Darts banned?

When you boys are finished crying it's your turn.

Silas

(To Shane) He's taunting us.

Shane

He's trying to act like a father. (Silas starts picking up the Darts) Father's taunt...when we went jogging Dad told me I was so slow Stephen Hawking could beat me in a foot-race. Then he collapsed, puked twice and died. (Shane laughs and looks up) Who's the better jogger now? (Silas gives him a concerned look)