Celia Hodes quotes from Weeds

Celia

He always did excellent work down there... Piece of shit.

IS that what you think? He's shit?

Celia

You know, when you stop being cute and clean and funny at home and start spending afternoons with your head buried in the snatch of the tennis pro, yeah, you're a piece of shit.

Dean's a good guy.

Celia

You know, shut up. I'm very mad at him.

I'm sorry.

Celia

Your'e a big whore.

I think I should go now

Celia

Oh, sit your flat ass back down. You know, you're a good listener.

Thanks.

Celia

Fuck you. Let's get another round.

Celia

(A little tipsy, pulls up next to Nancy in Conrads hoopdie) Hey Nancy! Where's your, where's your ring?

Nancy

My ring?

Celia

Yeah, you're pretty little diamond ring.

Nancy

It's in the shop.

Celia

Oh, well, I hope they can fix it.

Nancy

Yes, me too, Celia. Thanks!

Celia

(Walking into Nancy's House) You really should lock your front door.

Nancy

I do lock it. But Lupita leaves it open so she doesn't have to dig for her keys. Drives me insane.

Celia

Their subtle revenge for having to clean our toilets.

Nancy

I still say, we got the better end of that deal.

Nancy

(Reading flyer) What to do if you meet a mountain lion. Give the mountain lion some room. Don't make eye contact. Talk to the lion softly. Are you sure this isn't what to do if you want to date a mountain lion? Well, I have a lot to do, Celia, so...

Celia

Have you ever had sex with a woman?

Nancy

Excuse me?

Celia

I think I'd like to try it.

Nancy

With who?

Celia

Anyone. I don't care. I'm sick of men. Maybe I missed my calling. I mean, what if I was supposed to be a dyke, but just made a wrong turn by mistake. It would explain a hell of a lot. Here's the thing, I really wanna fuck around on Dean, but the thought of having to put one more cock in my mouth is just too depressing.

Nancy

I'm not sure a vagina would be any kind of improvement for you.

Celia

Maybe you're right. The truth is, pussy really skeeves me out. That whole mirror investigation thing we did when we were young, truly a rude awakening.

Celia

Have you ever had sex with a woman?

Nancy

None of your business

Celia

Oh come on, tell me

Nancy

Okay, I slept with a woman in college

Celia

How was it?

Nancy

Boring.

Celia

Well, maybe you didn't do it right.

Nancy

She said I was the best she'd ever had.

Celia

What are you doing Friday night?

Maggie

Look who's here everyone! It's Celia.

Celia

Down, Maggie. I have cancer. I'm not retarded.

Maggie

Celia, you can't smoke in here.

Celia

Because...?

Second hand smoke kills.

Maggie

Celia, did you bring your muffins?

Celia

I didn't feel like baking.

Maggie

None of us ever feels like baking.

Pam

I love baking.

Maggie

Except Pam. But, we do it anyway, for the sake of our children.

Celia

Oh, give me a break. You're raising money for a swim team. How much do swimming trunks cost anyway?

Pam

18.95.

Celia

I'll tell you what, (hands Pam a 20) keep the change.

Maggie

So, we're really not getting the muffins, are we?

Celia

(Gets up to leave) I have in my hands the last pharmaceutical Quaalude on earth. See ya ladies.

Celia

Is your mom home?

Shane

Not yet, she went to bail uncle Andy out of jail.

Celia

Well, tell her I stopped by.

Shane

Okay... I like your jacket.

Celia

Well, thank you, Shane. Everyone thinks I've lost my mind.

Shane

Everyone thinks I'm weird.

Celia

Well, I can see how you might give that impression.

Shane

I really don't care what they think.

Celia

Good for you. Let your freak flag fly.

Shane

Really?

Celia

Really. I've recently stopped giving a shit what anyone thinks and I've gotta tell ya, I feel great.

Shane

But you have cancer.

Celia

And you have a dead father. Both of us make people really uncomfortable. There's no way around it. So we can feel all self-conscious and pretend everything's normal, or we can just be our strange selves.

Shane

Thanks, Mrs. Hodes.

Celia

For what?

Shane

For telling me the truth.

Celia

You're welcome. It's a bitch though, ain't it?

Celia

I was thinking of going bigger.

Nancy

Bigger?

Celia

Really big. Like freak show big. 47 triple Fs. So large that other smaller breasts will want to orbit them.

Nancy

I don't give a flying fuck if you do have cancer. Put your tits away in front of my kid.

Celia

Sorry. I took a lude.

Celia Hodes

Why do gay men hate women so much?

Because we all had mothers like you!

Celia Hodes

Doug, what's your take on this Majestic proposal?

Doug Wilson

Basically, Majestic's overflowing a river of crap. It's got no place to go, but through us. Like a physical colonic. We got them by the sphincter. Shit highway could be our road to riches.

Celia

Did you know that we're poor? We're really poor.

Isabelle

Maybe we should cut down on our liquor purchases.

Celia

Oh, no. All the poor drink. Yeah, I saw the poor this morning. They all had bottles in paper bags. That's what I need... A paper bag.

Dean

Wonderful idea. You could put your bottle in it and then vomit in it when you're done.

Celia

I don't vomit from drinking. I vomit when I think about my life.