When you leave a sleepover early, I'm supposed to put a trench coat over my pajamas and come pick you up.
Sorry. I drive now. And I'm not 9.
You'll always be 9 to me. Going on 30. [notices smell and starts sniffing Veronica's jacket]
Whoa, you two need to be alone?
I know we had the smoking talking somewhere between the birds and the bees and the drinking and driving.
Actually I think it was more of a sentence - "don't smoke" - and it was between "The Adventures of Pooh" and "Good Night, Moon."
[holds out jacket] 'Splain.
Didn't your dad say that the cigar store's a front for drug dealers? I mean, that's gotta be something.
Or not. Sometimes a cigar store is just a cigar store.
Well, I'll remember to be quippy when you're looking at 20 to life.
Oh, you're being a jackass. It must be an even-numbered day. I do so prefer the odd-numbered days when you're kissing my ass for a favor.
Well, you find out why this plastic surgeon is trying to get me sent away for killing Felix and I will make sure that all even-numbered days are removed from the calendar.
What's this four-week gap here?
Oh, they went on a little sabbatical.
I suspect to torture me. Then they came back, and Cap'n Krunk wasn't on anymore and it blew, so I stopped listening.
A bastardized subpar version of the show is still on.
Any way to find out where they're broadcasting from?
Yes. [she doesn't continue and Veronica gives a look] Sorry, I was just seeing how long we could have a conversation with your side only being questions. [Veronica scoffs] We can track the signal.
I'd be interested to know if you have the capabilities to track said signal. [both laugh]
Look, I'm happy to be the "Q" to your Bond, but crime pays. Technologically assisted mystery solving costs. If you wanna play "Find the Crappy Radio Broadcast," Mama's gonna need a few things from Radio Shack.
MMarcos
[as "Cap'n Krunk"] The winner of this week's "Cock of the Walk" Countdown -
[as "Imitation Crab"] Don't leave 'em hangin' Cap'n.
MMarcos
It's Logan Echolls.
MMarcos
Rosemary's Baby: The Teen Years. If I was his mother, I'd kill myself, too. [splash sound effect]
Seriously, Cap'n, you name your daughter Roxie, and it's guaranteed at some point she'll be showing her cans for cash.
MMarcos
I'm saving up for that very day.
Or get a varsity jacket and four liters of wine cooler and you can see 'em for free! Yeah, Becker's a date rapist, but in his defense, he's hideous and stupid, so meeting girls is hard.
It's pretty clear, isn't it? Our favorite plastic surgeon, for whatever reason, seems to be owned by the Fighting Fitzpatricks.
Well, as far as I know, I've done nothing to get their Irish up.
And I'm working on the connections, okay?
If you could exonerate me sometime soon, that'd be great. I really don't want bottom bunk in Fisty McRapesalot's cell.
If you want a top, I'm sure it's negotiable.
Help me, Mars-Wan Kenobi, you're my only hope.
Hi, baby. What took you so long? [she kisses Logan]
Well, if I had known you were throwing yourself at my roommate, [wipes lips] I'd have raced home.
I brought a surprise for you. I figured you and Duncan could try it. Maybe if you boys play nice, you could share or... take turns or something.
Duncan's not into that sort of thing, pumpkin.
No, I'm talking about Dick's Maserati.
Wait a minute. Are you like, sleeping with my little brother? What is he - 13?
Thirteen? He wishes. So, is this your much older sister I've heard nothing about?
Oh, yes, where are my manners? Kendall Casablancas, Trina Echolls. Rode Hard, meet Put Away Wet.
Hmm. I'm guessing she's the wet one. Well, I'd love to stay and chat, but I've got places to be.
Where? Is there a club where you, Dedee Pfeiffer, Joey Travolta, and Melissa Rivers all meet for drinks?
There is. I don't think you'd like it. It's 21 and over. We're hitting an after party at Chuck E. Cheese though, if you're free. Okay, well, I need him in bed by ten p.m. sharp, he's got school tomorrow. [squeezes Logan's cheeks] Night, all. [exits]
Well, the joke's on her - she came over to borrow my video camera. The girl does love a good exit line.
I hope that tape didn't burn too much when they ripped it off. I hear that can leave some chafing.
You made the wrong play, dawg. I shouldn't let you live for what you pulled.
What I pulled? Hang on, compadre, let's recap. You blasted a shotgun through my car with me inside.
You torched my house. Then your masked bandidos played Russian Roulette with my hand. Okay, my math says that you still owe me.
I thought you killed Felix.
Yeah, I pretty much know that now.
Oh, are you waiting for the music to swell before you start the apology?
We have something in common now. We both need to find out who killed Felix.
So what, we team up? Get matching capes? I ride shotgun in the sidecar?
Something like that, but not yet. See, I can't let you leave here looking the way you did when you walked in. Not if I don't want to end up some bald guy with tattoos who rides the school bus.
Well, I hope you don't just expect me to stand here and take it.
Wouldn't be much fun if you did.
So who's going to throw the first - [bell rings, Weevil punches first and they all-out fight]
The truth is, as a baby, you were left in a Neptune High girl's bathroom on prom night twenty-five years ago.
No way. Ashton Kutcher is hiding somewhere, right? Ashton, come out! You can't get me that easy.
Okay. If you're joking, you really can act. You're a natural.
You were found in a girls' bathroom on prom night.
What? So you mean my mother was like, one of those trashy sluts that dumped me in a garbage can?
I'm... pretty sure Celeste Kane is your mom.
Well, there's worse news you could've given me. They've got billions!
I suppose they do. Um... I was going to use this audition tape to smoke her out, shame her. I was gonna send this video to all the tabloids.
Oh, you're a rascal, Veronica Mars.
Am I? I was thinking I was something else... less flattering.
You know, if we hurry, that tape can make tonight's Entertainment News. Oh, it's the least big Pat can do for me after leaving all those pervy messages on my voicemail.
Last spring... before we broke up...
Okay, stop, I was shown a diagram once. I know how it works. But you knew, and you didn't tell me?
This has nothing to do with us.
Oh, no. Nothing? Your secret illegitimate child gestating in the womb of your comatose ex-girlfriend affects neither you nor me.
