Weevil Navarro quotes from Veronica Mars

Weevil

Where did you guys even meet?

At church. St. Mary's.

Weevil

Of course. The only place the micks and the spics ever get together without someone getting punched.

Veronica

And how can I help you, sir?

Weevil

I need a favor.

Veronica

Ah, a favor - one of our specialties.

Weevil

I need you to bug the confessional at St. Mary's church.

Veronica

Um... I'm sorry. That's not on our menu. Maybe you should try "You're crazy" down the street?

Logan

[from the next table over] It's not just for him.

Veronica

Isn't this a very odd coincidence? Or, wait - are you guys, like, roomies now and he ate your peanut butter and now you're not speaking?

Logan

Funny you should bring up roomies, as I just lost one. I don't suppose you could help me find where Duncan disappeared?

Veronica

Ooh, sorry, one favor per customer.

Weevil

Uh, yeah, can we stay focused here? 'Cause if we're seen together by the wrong people, that would be bad.

Veronica

So, this is sneaking? I've got a pantomine-horse disguise you could use. Do either of you have any experience being a horse's ass?

Logan

Yeah, I'm glad my misfortunes amuse you.

Weevil

Is it your undying love for me, or just good old-fashioned lust?

Veronica

Que?

Weevil

That kept you from turning me in?

Veronica

[pauses] Love...of rollercoasters. And hatred of anything that requires me to tie a sweater over my shoulders and be at sea with my classmates... Nothing to do with you. [they both give a small smile to each other]

Weevil

I need your help.

Veronica

Ah, if I had fifty bucks every time someone said that.

Weevil

Look, I know it's a drag being you, and...

Veronica

No, seriously. I'm gonna need fifty bucks if you expect me to keep listening.

Weevil

Well, I'm banking on curiosity getting the better of you..

Veronica

Alright tell me! Damn my curiosity!

Weevil

You know, an 09er could come in here with tea leaves and a Ouija board and they'd send out a SWAT team. It's time for plan B.

Veronica

Not just yet, Dirty Harry.

Weevil

In case you haven't noticed, I ain't no mick cop.

Veronica

Uh, okay. Dirty Sanchez?

Veronica

You here to confess? Is that your tail I see between your legs?

Weevil

No. But I can see how you might get confused.

Weevil

You believe me?

Veronica

How could I not when you're batting those maybelline lashes at me?

Weevil

This is pointless.

Beaver

[sighs] Okay, look, so you know quadratic equations, right?

Weevil

Do I look like someone who knows quadratic equations, huh?

Beaver

I'm just trying to see what you already know.

Weevil

Zero! You want your car fixed? Teach me.

Beaver

Okay, okay. All right, look, so this equation right here, what do you think we should do first?

Weevil

Am I a five-year-old girl, huh? Lay it out for me, dawg, c'mon! Make me understand.

Beaver

Okay, okay! Okay, so let's say that you and your buddy wanna buy a 12-pack of a certain item, say, like, uh, spark plugs for "X" dollars, and you wanna find out how many of another item, like, um, I dunno, like oil, that you can get for the same amount. Except oil is "Y" times as much -

Weevil

If this is your idea of terms I'll understand, I'm going to kill you. Or myself. It's a toss-up. Screw it, man. I'll just cheat.

Beaver

No, look... but what about my car?

Weevil

You know power buffers, right? Well, let's say your door panel is a summer home, right, and you need to clear out the south lawn to make a tennis court, so -

Mac

[from next table over] F-O-I-L. That's all it is. First, Outside, Inside, Last. All algebra - it's just the formula.

Weevil

Now can you teach me that?

Mac

You'll still fix his car?

Weevil

That's the deal.

Mac

Okay, say you and your buddy buy a 12-pack of spark plugs... [Weevil glares] I'm just kidding.

Weevil

Okay, you put another "X" on that paper, and we're gonna have a problem.

Mac

I'd put little smiley faces, but I don't know if that's gonna sell "wrong."

Beaver

I told you you went too fast on balancing equations.

Mac

I didn't go too fast!

Beaver

You plowed right through! I didn't even understand what you were talking about.

Mac

No surprise there.

Beaver

What, you're saying you're smarter than me?

Mac

No, I wasn't. Here's what that would've sounded like: "I'm smarter than you." Hear the difference?

Beaver

You don't really believe that.

Mac

Then why did I get it tattooed on my hip?

Beaver

If this what you need to do to feel better about yourself...

Mac

[to Weevil] If I get you an A, will you shiv him?

Weevil

Hey, I got an idea. How about you two geniuses go work out your aggression in some coat room and then come back here and teach me algebra, huh?

Weevil

[to boss] Guess I'll wash some spoiled bitch's graduation gift from daddy, huh?

Veronica

I'm not spoiled, and uh, technically, it wasn't for graduation.

Weevil

What about the bitch part?

Veronica

That depends on who you ask. How are you, Weevil? I haven't seen you...

Weevil

Since that awkward arrested-for-murder incident? Yeah! I remember.

Veronica

You plea bargained down to assault?

Weevil

And now I'm working at the car wash. Which, as it turns out, is not as fun as the song might sound.

Weevil

Any big Halloween plans?

Veronica

Oh, you know, the usual: slapping on my sexy nurse duds and rolling tweeners for their chocolate.

Veronica

Where's Lilly's necklace?

Weevil

Someone left a bracelet in my bed last week. Or wait, was it a hoop earring...

Veronica

I'm not playing with you.

Weevil

Don't you get it? I have no idea what you're talking about.

Veronica

Oh, you don't, huh? Let me spell it out: I tell you about a working on-campus casino. Six hours later, it's held up by a guy, your size, wearing a mask, who happens to be covered in a thin film of drywall dust and the stench of Drakkar cologne.

Weevil

My cologne stinks? So, all this play I've been getting is from pure sex appeal?

Veronica

You just told my classmates that your old life of crime was calling. You just asked me about Lilly's necklace.

Weevil

I can't believe you'd think I'd do that - to you - after all we've been through.

Veronica

After all we've been through, can you really blame me?

Veronica

Hey, Weevil, I'm trying to have a word with whoever's running the PCHers these days, and I was hoping you might be able to hook me up.

Weevil

Sure thing. Let me just call my parole officer and give him a heads-up I'll be cavorting with known criminals.

Weevil

I don't know what to say. Gang kids are usually quite punctual.

Veronica

It's all right. Part of me actually hopes they don't show.

Weevil

Veronica Mars, scared of a few bikers? Not even a quarter college-educated and already you're square as—

Veronica

It's not the bikers, per se. It's more what they represent.

Weevil

I rest my case.

Veronica

If they show, they probably didn't do it, which would look not so good for Josh. If they don't show, there's a good chance they did it.

Weevil

Maybe they're here to confess.