Veronica Mars quotes from Veronica Mars

Logan

I've never taken matters into my own hand in the boys' locker room after watching the cheerleader tryouts.

Dude, you are so dead.

Lilly

Very pervy, Duncan. I'm a little impressed though.

Logan

You must drink, comrade.

Veronica

Please tell me that was before we started dating.

[drinking] Of course. I've never, um, I've never seen my parents having sex. [Lilly drinks, everyone gasps] No way, no way.

Lilly

Yeah, I went into their room to borrow Mom's black sweater.

No, just shut up.

Lilly

Mom was on top of Dad.

Oh my God, I don't wanna see this!

Lilly

Hold on a second! She was like this. Watch. She was like this. [moaning] Ohh. Ohh. [yawning] Ohh.

Lilly, that is so wrong.

Lilly

I think Dad probably thought so too.

Oh, my God. They called the cops.

Veronica

They called my dad.

Lilly

This is like, the best dance EVER.

Veronica

[to Troy, about Logan] Uh, your monkey's gonna have to ride in the back.

Logan

Ha ha. Nice car. God, it must've been a huge cereal box.

Veronica

So far it's been a whole lot of brick walls, but I talked to my buddy Earl yesterday at the impound yard.

Troy

What do I love more? That you have a buddy named Earl or that he works at the impound yard?

Veronica

I'm guessing both. No sign of the Beamer. But he can get you a great deal on a Good Times van.

Troy

I'll pass that on to my dad when he gets back. Maybe it'll take his mind off of loading his gun.

Veronica

Here's a thought: If Tijuana was Logan's idea, then stealing the car could have been the master plan.

Troy

It was more of a meeting of the minds, if you will.

Veronica

Ah, so what was on the menu for this night of grand debauchery?

Troy

Let's see, uh, from eight to nine, we brainstormed on how to overthrow Kim Jong Il. From nine to ten, we deleted the records of the black voters of Florida. After that, it was, uh, yeah, it was all donkey shows.

Veronica

Ah, so the usual?

Troy

Pretty much.

Veronica

We need to talk.

All right, well does it have to be next to the feminine hygiene machine?

Veronica

I obviously know nothing about relationships.

Keith

But you can bake, and that's important.

Veronica

Tough day?

Keith

[imitating Phillip Marlowe] That ain't the half of it. See, this dame walks in, and you should've seen the getaway sticks on her. Says something's hinky with her old man.

Veronica

[imitating Marlowe] Did ya put the screws to him?

Keith

You ain't kiddin', he sang like a canary.

Veronica

[normal voice] You're in luck, Phillip Marlowe, because it's dessert for dinner night, and I've got a sundae thing set up here.

Keith

[normal voice] If child services finds out about this, they will take you away.

Veronica

Well, that's a risk I'm willing to take.

Keith

Honey, shouldn't we try something at the base of the food pyramid? You know - fruits and vegetables.

Veronica

[gasps] What is that? A maraschino cherry?

Lilly

Check you out, Veronica Mars. You're like a rocker chick now. You and I, we'd have a lot of fun together. Yeah, if, um, if I wasn't dead and stuff.

Veronica

Why are you here?

Lilly

Don't you watch any horror movies? My soul is doomed to walk the earth until justice has been served.

Veronica

Really?

Lilly

Yeah, that, and as kinda a side project, I dispense fashion advice.

Good morning, Veronica. I was thinking maybe you'd be interested in covering the election for the student newspaper.

Veronica

Sure, I'll write it up this afternoon.

The election's tomorrow.

Veronica

And I can already see the headline: "Brown-Nosing Resumé Packer Wins in a Landslide."

Veronica

Did you hear something last night?

Keith

What kind of something?

Veronica

Like a loud thump from upstairs.

Keith

I don't know. But you know me, I can sleep through an earthquake. Why?

Veronica

I don't know. It sounded like a falling body. It really freaked me out.

Keith

A falling body?

Veronica

Yes, a falling body.

Keith

Would you describe the sound as "Hitchcockian"?

Veronica

I'm glad you're able to entertain yourself.

Keith

Oh, sweetie, don't sell yourself short. I find you completely entertaining.

Veronica

Think I've got a future in the biz?

Keith

I think you've got a future as a highly paid Ivy League-educated executive of some sort who never thinks about private investigation again in her perfect life. Now... let's do something normal fathers and daughters do.

Veronica

Buy me a pony?

Keith

I was thinking I'd watch TV and you'd rub my feet.

Veronica

Hmm. Yeah, that's normal.

[Meg]

Veronica? Did you find your clothes? [looks down at the toilet to see Veronica's clothes almost flushed]

Veronica

Well, does this towel make me look fat?

Meg

You need something to wear? [they walk out of school with Veronica wearing a cheerleading uniform] I usually have sweats in my locker. Sorry.

Veronica

No, this is perfect. I just have to resist the urge to do a cartwheel.

Veronica

Is there any way to convert cyphertext to plaintext without initial knowledge of the cryptoalgorithms?

Excuse me?

Veronica

I'm trying to figure out how someone could have overridden the control framework on the school server in order to access everyone's password. Can you help me?

Yeah... uh, in real life... I'm actually a gym teacher.

Veronica

You ready to put the hurt on that Pythagorean theorem?

Wallace

You don't even want to mess with me on that today. I just about merked my mom's crazy, no-rent-paying tenant this afternoon.

Veronica

That guy's sleazy, so I hope merked means something bad. You know, my dad's still got that sheriff sheen. He's great at scaring people away.

Wallace

No, I got it covered. [Keith enters the room]

Veronica

Seriously, you should talk to him.

Keith

Am I giving you the birds and bees again, Wallace?