Dan Egan quotes from Veep

Dan

Thanks for sending me the speech, Mike. It's perfect-

Mike

Great.

Dan

-ly shit.

Dan

[on phone, walking out] Yes, I've seen the numbers, Ken. I know that she's bleeding blue-collars. So we're gonna make her look fucking folksy in a London pub.

Mike

Wasn't it Oscar Wilde who said, "Dan's a fucking terrible campaign manager"?

Amy

I would like to shoot him, but there are no guns in this country.

Ray

It's called cosmic balance. It's not anything the Buddha didn't talk about.

Ben

Yeah? Well, Buddha's got a big fat ass, Ray.

Ray

I believe in karma. Does that make me weird?

Yes!

Amy

[on Thornhill] Listen to this idiot. They're not even soundbites, they're just sounds.

Dan

Yeah, but it works, though, that's the thing. I mean, he cornholed us in Iowa.

Ben

Well, that's appropriate. It's the Corn State.

Dan

Amy, I gotta say, you're doing a great job. Seriously, you do me better that I do me.

Amy

You do yourself a lot.

Dan

You know how you told me that Chung's unit in Iraq tortured that guy?

Ben

[looking around] I never said that.

Dan

Yeah, you did. We had a beer and you told me that.

Ben

No, you misheard me, Dan. Torture is a terrible thing. You know, I told you when I was telling you that I wasn’t telling you what I told you. [points to Dan] The fuck stops here, Dan.

Jonah

Dan! What the fuck is this?

Dan

What are you talking about?

Jonah

You've got me buried so far into the West Wing, I'm practically in Pyongyang.

Dan

Jonah, you have a job in the White House, all right? That was the deal.

Jonah

I publicly denounced the Internet, Dan, okay? Those are my people! I'm getting so much online hate. There are memes of me being burned alive.

Dan

Ooh, wow.

Jonah

There's one of me fuckin' a chicken while dressed as bin Laden.

Dan

The chicken is dressed as bin Laden or you're dressed as bin Laden?

Jonah

No, I'm dressed as bin Laden, Dan! And it's really well done. So it legitimately looks like I am engaging in bestiality while insulting 9/11 victims.

Oh wow, that is tough.

Jonah

I want a new deal. I want to get closer to the action. I'm like a boom-op on a porno shoot right now!

Dan

I'm sorry, man, but I can't have a terrorist chicken-fucker next to the President. Security risk.

Selina

Can we say that it was just an error?

Dan

No, ma'am, the entire world would notice that.

Ben

Yeah, it's terrible PR. You might as well drive a suicide clown car into the fuckin' Lincoln Memorial. [into phone] Yes, I am still here.

Dan

Hey, Jonah. You know, buddy, I have been mean and I'm sorry.

Jonah

What kind of idiot do you think I am?

Dan

Is there a choice?

Jonah

I only have one asset that you would be interested in and that's my Uncle Jeff's bucket of votes.

Dan

Great! So you'll get us Uncle Jeff?

Jonah

Oh no, I'm just gettin' started. I want West Exec parking for the Cube, and I want mess hall privileges.

Dan

No. That, that's impossible.

Jonah

Well, then you better "possible-ize" it, Dan. And I want somebody that works for me. I want an assistant, a go-fer, a servant.

Dan

Oh, you want a Jonah?

Jonah

Yeah! I want a Jonah. And henceforth they will no longer be known as Jonahs. They'll be known as Jimmys or Pepes or Sarahs or whatever the fuck that person's name turns out to be. And you can't hire anyone named Jonah, okay? See, I'm on to you already.

Dan

[looking at phone] Shit! I gotta go.

Jonah

You know what? They should be called Dans.

Mike

It's good we won Dixville Notch.

Dan

It's got a population of 12, Mike.

Mike

I know, Dan, but it's famous.

Gary

Our Lord Jesus started with 12.

Ben

Well, he didn't win New Hampshire, either.

Dan

Sir?

Ben

Yes?

Dan

The HIV girl.

Ben

Yes?

Dan

The one that the president mentioned in the CBS interview.

Ben

Yes?

Dan

Alright, well, some people on Reddit put the details together and now the whole town knows who she is.

Ben

Fuck! You know, I preferred when the Internet was just AltaVista and that little Star Wars kid! Did we definitely out this girl?

Dan

Yeah.

Ben

Shit!

Dan

Only her doctor and her principal knew, now parents are keeping their kids home from school 'cause they don't want them to, quote, "catch AIDS."

Ben

Oh, there's a town with no Gay Pride parade or a goddamn library!

Bill Ericsson

Where did this data come from? How did we get her medical records, and why didn't we ask her parent's permission?

Ben

Oh thank you, Question Man! You've just saved the entire city! Or did you?

Mike

This is catching fire like a gas station in a Michael Bay movie.

Dan

What's our line here? Do we tell the president?

Ben

No! She's gonna panic! We gotta find out more facts, aright? Bozos, disassemble!

Ben

Hey, Dan.

Dan

Thought you resigned.

Ben

I guess the president changed her mind. It's a fickle world, my friend, and you've just been fickled.

Dan

No. No, this is not—this is not real.

Ben

No, you're right Dan, it's a dream. And me and Kent are about to turn into two horny cheerleaders and start making out.

Dan

So am I fired? Please Ben, don't say that I'm fired.

Ben

You're not fired...

Dan

Oh, thank fuck for that.

Ben

...because you've just resigned.

Kent

It's a perfect fit. Worked on the Families First Bill, and handsome. Therefore, guilty looking.

Dan

No, no. No! I know about the targeting of bereaved families and the use of federal data!

Ben

You listen to me, you little fucking turd's assistant, you don't threaten the administration, because we will fucking destroy you! We'll skin you like a squirrel, clean you out like a dirty fucking chimney, and wear you like a glove puppet with my fingers sticking out of your dead fucking eyeballs!!

Kent

I cannot endorse that message, but I do acknowledge it.

Dan

You could just hit the fucking gas, Jonah.

Jonah

Dan, I'm not getting a ticket, okay? That's the sort of thing that comes back to bite you when you run for office.

Dan

Yeah, that's what's gonna hold you back.

Jonah

Okay, new rule in the cube: if your name begins with "D," you need to shut the fuck up immediately!

Richard

I'm fine because my name begins with an "R."

Dan

Not if we shorten it to "Dick."

Do you recall a document shared on the J-drive titled "the Jonad Files?"

Dan

Uh, no. No, ma'am.

Amy

No. That doesn't ring a bell.

So it's not a word combining "Jonah" and "gonad?"

Dan

Not to my knowledge.

Jonah

I can confirm that that is exactly what it is and Mr. Egan knows that.

Mr. Rakes

In fact, Mr. Egan, I was told that you encouraged staffers to add to this glossary of abuse.

Dan

I do not at this moment in time recall the action nor the document in question.

Mr. Rakes

Okay, maybe this will jog your memory. We have some extracts. "J-Rock, Jizzy Gillespie, Jack and the Giant Jackoff, Gaylien, Tinkerballs, Wadzilla, One Erection—"

Jonah

Do we have to go through all of these?

I'm not sure that I see the relevance.

Mr. Rakes

The witnesses claim they held their former colleague in high regard and I am attempting to prove otherwise.

Okay, yeah, sure. No, you can proceed.

Mr. Rakes

"The Pointless Giant, The 60-Foot Virgin, Gimpanzee, Jonah Ono, Hagrid's Nutsack, Scrotum Pole, Transgenderformers, 12 Years a Slave to Jerking Off, Benedict Come In His Own Hand, Guyscraper, The Cloud Botherer, SupercalifragilisticexpialiDickCheese, Teenage Mutant Ninja Asshole, Spewbacca."

Jonah

My college friends called me Tall McCartney. I preferred that, that's a good nickname.

Richard

These are from the president's last set of precinct changes for the recount challenge?

Dan

Yes, and the changes before that and the changes before that. She's changed her mind more times than a frickin' child molester at Disneyland.