Dan Egan quotes from Veep

Amy

Christ, it's everywhere.

Dan

Alright, well, if it's just a film studies essay then...

Amy

No. Catherine's essay is about Emad Burnat's movie 5 Broken Cameras.

Dan

Alright, if Owen Wilson's not in it, I probably don't know it.

Amy

It's about non-violent Palestinian resistance to Israeli settlement of the West Bank.

Dan

That doesn't sounds like one of Owen's.

Amy

She talks about "the masterly portrayal of brutal, illegal Israeli aggression."

Dan

Ouch.

Amy

We have to issue a statement.

Dan

All right, well, standard issue pro-Israeli, pro-Palestinian, but subtly more pro-Israeli statement. I mean, hit F9 and print that fucker out.

Amy

No, this needs to be top-notch. This needs to be the Gettysburg Address of tightrope-walking, say-nothing bullshit.

I see you got a mention in "Playbook" yesterday.

Dan

Yep.

Awesome. I have a Google alert set up for your name.

Dan

Wow.

Hey, did you catch Krauthammer in the Post about the hostage situation?

Dan

Are you the guy that always says hi to me in the garage?

Yeah.

Dan

Yeah, I got to do some fucking weights. This is for rubber idiots.

Selina

Gary, deflower the room.

Dan

[to Gary] There's a sentence I bet you thought you'd never hear.

Dan

What's the whole not-drinking thing?

I'm a Quaker.

Jonah

What?

Dan

Bullshit! No one's a fucking Quaker.

Jonah

You probably think that staying sober keeps you on top of your game. Well, guess what. I work hard and I play hard, bitch. That's my credo. I got that shit tattooed on my dick with room to spare.

Jonah, you're not even a man. You're like an early draft of a man, where they just sketched out a giant, mangled skeleton, but they didn't have time to add details, like pigment or self-respect. You're Frankenstein's monster, if his monster was made entirely of dead dicks.

Selina

You smell that? Money. Hey, Dan?

Dan

Ma'am.

Selina

Have you heard anything about this Danny Chung playlist?

Dan

I just caught that, actually. Some smart stuff on there, too. Nas for the young folks, some Dean Martin for the retirees.

Selina

He just got one of his butt droids to do it, which is why I want you to do it for me, okay?

Dan

Your mix is my command.

Amy

Oh. Dan.

Dan

This is awkward. Like catching your sister's eye at an orgy.

Amy

Well, my sister would never be at an orgy. Too uptight. She would want health records from everyone— and just kill the momentum and...

Dan

Okay. I'm disappointed in you. This is behavior I would expect from myself. But from you? Uh-uh.

Amy

Let's cut the crap. We're both here for Chung.

Dan

So we both jump together. You know, Butch and Sundance.

Amy

Don't they both die?

Dan

No, not when they jump. They die at the end.

Jonah

Knock, knock! J-rock o'clock! Somebody order boom service? As a senior White House official I am commandeering this situation, Mike. Alright, what have you guys got for me?

Amy

Okay, she just walked through a glass door which is somewhat ironic, building up to an invisible primary, and she is temporarily insane on a cocktail of happy pills. Over to you. Captain.

Mike

You just broke his brain, Amy.

Dan

Jesus, look at that stupid gaping mouth. Let's put stuff in it.

Amy

How bad is she?

She's fine. It's just superficial cuts.

Amy

Did you give her any painkillers, or...

I didn't want to do that because she's already on St. John's Wort.

Dan

I think I got that off a Catholic schoolgirl once.

Gary

These flowers came for you from the Secretary of Defense Maddox.

Selina

Oh, let's see. "Good luck with your Fun Run. Try not to swear when the starter pistol goes off."

Dan

Come on.

Selina

He's just a varicose dick vein. I can't stand that guy.

Selina

Okay, now listen, I got this science fair thing. So I want to make my speech... a little bit more presidential.

Dan

Yeah.

Selina

Like I'm Marilyn Monroe, just JFK the fuck out of me.

Dan

Ooh, I got something.

Dan

[as Amy pulls a phone out of her panties] You keep a second phone there? Hypocritical... and horny.

One... two...

Amy

Shit on my tits! Maddox just resigned.

Jonah

Ah! You guys are just like two little pretty Easter eggs. I'd love to crack you open.

Dan

Hey, Hepatitis J. How's that pic you posted on your blog going, huh?

Jonah

It's a hashtag hurricane, bitch tits.

Dan

You don't think maybe you should take that down?

Jonah

You don't think you should go fist a chimp?

Jonah

Sir, please, don't take this away from me. The West Wing is part of my DNA, and vice-versa. Okay, this is a teachable moment, and I think from here on...

Kent

You're embarrassing yourself.

Jonah

Sir, I don't have anything else in my life.

Dan

He really doesn't.

Jonah

See? Exactly. Thank you, Dan...(angrily): Fuck you, Dan!

Kent

That'll be all, Mr. Ryan.

Jonah

Sir, did POTUS okay this?

Kent

Get him out of here!

Gary

About the campaign, I had an idea.

Selina

[handing him a used sanitary wipe] Here you go.

Gary

Instead of doing all this pre-campaigning, sometime in the next 24 hours, you grab a mic, you say, "I'm Selina Meyer, and I'm running for President of the United States."

Selina

I'm just gonna use the bathroom really quick.

Dan

You don't announce your candidacy while the incumbent is still warm. That's like trying to bang the widow at the funeral. You would have hear start her campaign with no strategy, no money, no staff except for [indicating himself...] Superman and [...and Amy] Wonder Woman over there, just, [super-cutesy] "I wanna be President."

Gary

Ma'am, I don't know if you just heard what he was saying...

Selina

No, I didn't hear what he was saying, but I agree with Dan. I completely appreciate your ideas, Gary.

Dan

No matter how dumb they are.

Dan

We need to pick a number.

Selina

No, I know, but I need to get clarity here. I'm not feeling it.

Dan

I was clear! I was clear! We just need to pick a fucking number, any fucking number. Give that fucking number to the fucking press, and go to fucking bed! I mean, how much more clarity do you need? You want to print it on a fucking t-shirt? Come on! [long awkward pause] I'm so sorry. I did not mean to blow up like that.

Selina

Well, um, I accept your apology while retaining the right to fire the fuck out of you. Shall I print that up on a T-shirt that I could give to you?