Dan Egan quotes from Veep

Never heard back from you. Late night?

Dan

Sophie told you?

What? No. Gross.

Dan

You didn't tell me she worked for CBS.

[laughs] Oh! Oh, this is too good. Dan, Sophie doesn't work for CBS. She works for CVS. You sold your dick for bulk iced tea and off-brand cough syrup. Don't worry. You're gonna look really cute in a blue vest.

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Jonah

You can't put a Jonah Ryan on TV like that. 18 to 34-year-old women are gonna be distracted by that.

Dan

The only thing that women 18-34 are gonna do when they see you on camera is file a restraining order.

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Tom James

Any news on Sherman?

Dan

CNN and Fox both say he's critical, but Fox says it with blonder hair and bigger tits.

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Dan

God, my phone is blowing up with these TV offers. Think I might need an agent. You know, someone who can take the Dan Egan brand to the next level.

Too bad Goebbels killed himself.

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You fuckers. How dare you. That magnificent woman was counting on you, and you losers let her down!

Dan

[into his phone] Yeah, I'm gonna have to call you back; something amazing is happening.

All you fucking cared about was your stupid bad selves! [to Kent] Your numbers? Your numbers are garbage! [to Mike, who is discreetly filming Gary's eruption on his phone] Your speeches? Garbage! [to Ben] Oh, and you're supposed to give her advice?! Is that right?! Because all I heard was dumb, stupid, I don't know what the fuck it was!

Garbage?

Tom James

Gary...

Oh, shut up! You screwed her the worst, in all the ways! [laughs] Oh, I know! I know you make fun of me! And I know that you think that I'm funny, and I'm funny ha-ha-ha! Well at least I cared! I did my job!! I fucking cared!!!

[Gary walks out of the room; everyone is silent, in shock over his outburst]

Well, that just kinda made this whole year worth it.

Dan

Yeah.

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DDoctor

Well, your sperm count looks normal, but the motility is abnormally low, which means, I'm sorry to say, that it may be virtually impossible for you to conceive.

Dan

Seriously?

Catherine

I'm so sorry, Dan...

Dan

So I've been pulling out this entire time for nothing?

Marjorie

Well, that has nothing...

Dan

Oh, I am gonna save a fortune in Morning After pills! There are, like, three girls who owe me an abortion refund.

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Ma'am, I'm so sorry you lost your library. You know, last night, I dreamt that I removed Leon West's balls with an ice cream scoop, and I think I actually came.

Is everything always ice cream with you?

Just say the word, ma'am, and I will...

Amy, Amy. I leaked it to Leon.

Why? Why would you Kurt Cobain your own library?

Because, girlie, only former presidents have libraries. And I'm running for president.

[Selina opens the door to reveal her entire old team assembled in the living room]

You're... you're running again?!

Mike

The band is getting back together again!

Who cc'd Mike?

Mike

[laughing] I get it, I'm Ringo.

Dan

We need champagne!

No, Amy's Ringo. You're Mark David Chapman's bullet.

How is this even possible?

Tibet! Tibet! It's all Tibet! We are gonna ride that Dalai Lama like Mrs. Lama on book club night.

And what about Montez?

She's a Mexican who stole your job.

She did, in fact, steal my job.

Her numbers are under agua.

I can't believe this.

We're back! [to Amy] I do need to talk to you about your role. And, Mike, I need to talk to you about your role, too.

Mike

[oblivious] Sweet.

To Team Meyer.

AAll

Team Meyer!

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Dan

Listen, I don't know if I'm ready to be a daddy to anyone who's not a sexy boho jewelry maker struggling to pay off her college loans, y'know?

I appreciate the soul-searching.

Dan

But if you wanna go dutch on the abortion or something, just hit me up on Venmo. Oh, and make it public - shows I'm a gentleman.

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Dan

Ma'am, I ran a little intel, and apparently the secret to Felix Wade is to repeat the last two sentences that he says.

C'mon, that is idiotic! Is he really that insecure?

C'mon, that is idiotic! Is he really that insecure?

Right? Gary gets it.

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Dan

Ma'am, the new anti-Kemi ad pieces came in. [hands her the ad]

What the tragic mulatto fuck! Kemi looks like an albino, and I'm so black people are gonna start calling me "articulate".

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Dan

Sorry, Mayor Splett, this is Sidney Purcell. He represents the very good people at Con Ag Chem Family Farms.

Ah, well this man needs no introduction, please, the 7/11 Mayor himself.

Would you care to join us?

Yeah, don't mind if I do. That's a great idea. You know, I'm actually really glad that I happened to run into you, there's a vote coming up in the State Senate, uh, regarding pesticide regulations . . . and there's an empty seat up there. Do you know anything about pesticides?

Not as much as I'd like.

That empty seat in the State Senate . . . it could be yours.

You know down at the feed store, they're saying your new seeds cause cancer.

Well, we've paid for seven studies that say that it doesn't . . .

Dan

Seven? Wow. Well, it's good enough for me, I mean you can't—can't argue with science.

Lucky Seven, that's right.

Dan

I'm gonna get some drinks, you guys stay here. Talk. Get to know each other.

You know what I want, Dan. What do you want, Mayor?

Well, to read those reports.

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This has been a very difficult decision, but no, I will not be running for State Senate. There's just so many things I still want to do for the good people here in Lurlene. Like my own pet issue, which as many of you know, is pet issues. And I certainly hope I'm not letting anyone down, especially my new friend Sidney.

RReporter

Are you referring to Sidney Purcell, the Con Ag Chem Fam Farms lobbyist?

Dan

[Dan tries to usher him away] You know what guys, I'm so sorry, we don't have any time for any more questions.

Actually Dan, that did sound like a question. Yes, Sidney Purcell. Super generous guy. Offered me all sorts of great stuff, like brand new kitchen appliances . . . or a brand new hot-tub like the lieutenant governor has . . . oh but I'm not supposed to talk about that.

RReporter

Mayor Splett, are you saying that Con Ag Chem made you an offer to run for office?

Dan

No, no, no, that's not what he said; he didn't say that.

No, no, no, Dan is right. Uh Sidney made the offer. Con Ag Chem is a company, it can't talk. [He laughs] Hilarious, though, talking company. Where would the mouth even be?