Bubbles quotes from Trailer Park Boys

Bubbles

Cory Braid head. He gets him set up for the clothesline... URRRH!! [clotheslines Cory] Oh my GOD! He fuckin'... Devastating! You all right, Cory?

Cory

Yeah, I'm fine.

Bubbles

I don't give a fuck, actually. [body slams Cory onto the mat] Get in here, Trevor! Come on!

Trevor

Forget that, Bubbles! I'm goin' home! [Cory sneaks out of the ring and they run away]

Bubbles

[puts his hand up for a high-five] Aw, come on, boys! Boys!

Bubbles

[talking to his cats] Listen up, guys. I need to talk to you. I'm sorry I haven't been able to look after you properly lately, but there's just too many of yas around, your parents have been banging like crazy. There's just so many of you around right now, and I've been losing focus because I'm in a lot of fucking pain. But the pain I'm about to feel is nothing compared to what I've been feeling by neglecting you little guys. [sighs]

Ricky

[upon arriving at Bubbles' shed] Cory and Trevor are fucking lazy! At least if we ask Bubbles to fuckin' fertilize the plants, we know it'll get done.

Julian

Shh. Listen.

Ricky

What the fuck's he doing in there?

Bubbles

YOU COCKSUCKER!

Bubbles

Oh my God, what happened?

Ricky

Bubbles, you just broke my fuckin' nose!

Julian

Holy shit, Bubbles. Your face is fucked!

Bubbles

No, it's not that bad, Julian!

Julian

No, no, no, no, you let that toothache go way too long. Here.

Bubbles

I can get 'er out, it's no pr--

Julian

No, open up. Let me take a look.

Bubbles

No, it's no problem!

Julian

Let me take a look! Open up!

Bubbles

Julian!

Julian

Bubbles, open up!

Julian

Oh, yeah. Your jaw is totally infected, man. We gotta take you to the hospital, buddy.

Bubbles

No fucking way, Julian! I don't go to the hospital, you know that!

Ricky

You went to the hospital when you fucked your arm over fixing carts, Bubbles! You gotta go!

Bubbles

But boys, I had Conky with me that time.

Ricky

Conky? Don't even say that name! I hate that little fucker!

Julian

Bubbles! Bubbles! Bubbles! I got something for you!

Bubbles

Oh my God! Conky! Conky! Where have you been? Oh my God! Oh my God, I've missed you! I thought you were dead for sure!

Ricky

I thought you were dead too, you little bastard.

Luckily I don't need oxygen to live under water like you do. Stupid!

Ricky

Julian, it's starting already. I'm telling you right now. [turns his attention back to the puppet] If you fuck with me, Conky, I'm gonna fuck with you. I'm outta here.

Julian

No, no, no. [pulls Ricky aside] Ricky, Ricky, I need your help here! We gotta get him to the hospital or he could go into a coma!

Bubbles

What?! A coma?! A coma? I'm going into a coma? Julian, I can't.

Julian

No, no, no, you're probably not gonna. You're gonna be fine, Bubbles!

Bubbles

What's it like in a coma?

Julian

Bubbles, why don't you ask Conky if it's okay to go to the hospital?

Bubbles

Conky, do you think. Do you think it would be a good idea for me to go to the hospital and get that fixed?

Well, I think it might be a good idea to go on an adventure with Julian and...Rickyyyyy! [disturbed giggle]

Ricky

Final warning there, fuckface. Final warning.

Can I help you?

Julian

Yes, you can. My friend's got an abscess tooth. We need someone to take a look at it.

Bubbles

No, we don't actually, Julian. Let's just get the fuck outta here. I'm fine.

I'm sorry sir, there's no smoking. And is this gentleman with you too?

Ricky

Yeah, I'm fucking with him. What do you mean, there's no smoking?

And what is your problem, sir?

Ricky

Well, now I can't smoke. That's my first problem. I got a busted nose which I now got a rag glued to, and a fucking truck glued to my hand. How's that for a start?

And she's fucked in the head.

Ricky

Conky.

He needs a brain transplant.

Ricky

[grasps Conky by his throat] I'm serious. You better fuck off.

Julian

[moves Ricky's hand away from Conky] Rick, Rick, Rick, Rick, Rick.

Ricky

You've been fucking with me all goddamn day here.

Washington, hold wide. Please, Washington. Sir, let's all just calm down.

Julian

I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

Ricky

You want a piece of me, you little dick? Huh?

Julian

Ricky.

Don't you touch me.

Ricky

[punches Conky in the face] Stop fucking looking at me, Conky!

What is the gentleman's first name?

Julian

Bubbles.

Ricky

Fucking dick.

And what is his last name?

Julian

Uh...just Bubbles.

Ricky

Get the fuck away from me, Conky. Get the fuck away from me.

Okay. And you gentlemen all live at the same civic address?

Julian

[points to Bubbles] He lives in my shed. [points to Ricky] Ricky lives in his car.

Okay. Any health card social insurance numbers? Is there any information you can give me?

Ricky

I do have one last bit of information for ya. [sticks up both middle fingers on both his hands, with the truck glued to his hand] This is called a double whammy, which I only bring out for special occasions, alright? So why don't you and your whole hospital fuck off, you won't help me. It's 'cause I live in a car? Is that what it is?

Ricky

Fuck! Holy fuck! You guys can fuck off!

Julian

Guys, guys, guys, guys.

Ricky

The fuck is this shit?! I live in a car! You won't fucking fix me up or help my friend?

Nice going, Ricky.

Ricky

Fuck you, Conky.

Ricky

Fuck!

Crazy octo-eyed motherfuckers!

Frig off, Washington. [to Ricky and Julian] Are you happy now, Julian? Bubbles is gonna go into a coma and die probably, ya idiots!

Bubbles

Conky, please, just don't taunt.

Julian

Bubs, Bubs, don't worry about it. I'll get that tooth out somehow, alright?

Ricky

[pissing on the side of the hospital] Who can go fuck whose self?! No, you fuck off, you little fucker!

Julian

Rick, who the hell are you talking to?

Ricky

Fuckin' squirrel on my shoulder just told me to fuck off!

Bubbles

Ricky, you're hallucinating!

Julian

[pulls Ricky away from the wall] Listen, get a hold of yourself, Ricky. Ricky, you just pissed on me!

Ricky

Well, you pulled me away!

Julian

Listen, just pretend you're on mushrooms, all right? Just go with it. Come on, let's go.

Well, well, well, what do we have here? Jim Lahey's car is at the vet!

Bubbles

What's Lahey doin' here?

Why don't you go find out, Bubbles? Or are you too scared?

Bubbles

Conky, you better fuck off, I'm tellin' ya!

Fuck off? You just remember I call the shots here, Bubbles. You got it?

Bubbles

Yes, Conky.

Good.

Why don't you just off shoot your gun some more, very recklessly like. Idiot!

Ricky

Did you just call me an idiot, Conky? Huh?

Maybe I did, Reveeeeeen!

Ricky

All right, Reveen is taking it a little too far, all right? You little fucker.

[singing] He's the fuckin' man they call...

Julian

Don't say it, Bubbles.

Reveeeeeeeeeeeeeeeen!

Ricky

That's it. I have fuckin' had it with you. [whips out his gun and points it in the puppet's face]

Julian

Ricky, you're pointing a loaded handgun at a puppet.

Ricky

Yes I am.

Julian

Behind the puppet is our friend. The bullet will go through the doll and kill Bubbles. Give me the gun.

Ricky

I gotta kill this puppet, Julian.

Julian

Ricky, give me the gun. Give it to me.

Oh, those were excellent negotiation tactics you used...Patrick...Swayze.

Julian

That's not funny, Bubbles.

[singing] Oh, my Julian, my handsome Julian- Patrick Swayze, [Julian pushes Conky away from Bubbles' face] you were so fuckin' sexy in Road House and fuckin' Dirty Dancin.

Bubbles

Oh my God! Julian, what happened?

Julian

[hugs Bubbles] Sorry, buddy. You were going crazy on us, man.

Smoking much dope lately, boys? You guys are fucked.

Julian

All right boys, let's dump him in.

Bubbles

Wait, could I at least keep his glasses and his little sweater?

Ricky

No way, bad idea, Bubbles.

Julian

Come on, Bubs, let's go.

Ricky

[tossing Conky in his "coffin" into the swamp[;; Fuck you, Conky.

Ricky

Bubbles, hold the binoculars. If this thing's down there, Julian, I want you to shoot him, then I'm gonna jump on top of the cocksucker with a net, and we're gonna have to beat him with everything we fuckin' got.

Ricky

I could need some help from you dicks, alright?

Ricky

You hear that there, Mr. Microphone Man? If we get this thing down in the net, you fuckin' jump in and help us!

Ricky

Fuckin' idiot.

Frig off, Rick!

Ricky

Don't tell me to frig off. Thing attacks you, I'm not even gonna jump in.

Bubbles

Boys, I slipped in poop! Bigfoot poop!

Bubbles

Do I got Bigfoot poop on me?

Julian

Holy shit, boys, don't move! So that's who's been eating our weed.

Ricky

You little fucker. Okay, you guys stay here. I'm gonna throw the net on him, put him in a headlock and choke him out.

Bubbles

Ricky, put the net down. You're not fuckin' choking him out.

Ricky

Why?

Bubbles

He's just a big kitty, boys. I can deal with this. I know kitties.

Ricky

What if he has radies?

Bubbles

Ricky, it's rabies, with a "B", not radies. And he doesn't have rabies. He's been eating weed for a fuckin' month! He's baked out of his goddamn mind, I can tell just the way he's standing there. He only did that to Trevor because he had that leopard-print jacket on. See? He's just a big, stoned, horny kitty with the munchies! Trevor was eating chips, too! [pets the mountain lion] Who's a good boy?

Julian

Bubbles, Bubbles, listen to me. This isn't a helpless little kitty. This is a dangerous fucking kitty. You know he's gotta go, right? Remember the saying "if you love something, set it free"?

Bubbles

I know, I know. If it comes back, it's yours. If it doesn't, it never was. I've heard it a thousand times. But he needs our help right now, and the best thing to do is to get some weed in the fajitas, now let's do it.

Ricky

This is all I got left. I'm telling you right now, I'll give him some, but...I'm eating half those fajitas. You hear me there, "Steve", or whatever the fuck your name is?

Bubbles

Steve French.

Bubbles

Julian, we found him!

Julian

Well, lock him in your shed, Bubbles.

Bubbles

He was down fucking around with Donny's garbage, then he pooped on the hood of Mrs. Peterson's car!

Bubbles

Shit abyss. I'm not a-scared of a fuckin' shit abyss. Lahey's fucked.

Julian

Yeah, well, if Lahey sees Steve French and calls the Department of Lands and Forests, we're fucked, boys.

Ricky

What the fuck would the Department of Lands and Forests do?

Julian

Did you see the tattoo under Steve French's ear?

Ricky

No.

Julian

Well, there's one there, and they use it for tracking, Rick. They'll be able to track him right back to our dope field. Cops, jail. Fuck jail. I'm not going back to jail, Ricky. Not gonna happen, man.

Ricky

Julian, don't be dissing jail, man. We've had some good fucking parties in there. We have good friends in there. They fed you, you use their gym. Come on, don't be dissing jail. It's not fucking cool.

[singing "Working Man" while harvesting marijuana]

Ricky

What in the fuck is going on? Can everybody please shut up?

Bubbles

Ricky, you're forcing Rita McNeil and her band to harvest dope at gunpoint. You could be a little fucking nicer!

[handing a dope plant to Ricky] Here's a good one, dear.

Lucy

Merry Christmas, Jules. Got you a little something. A mistletoe belt buckle.

Lucy

[in confessional] I made a special Christmas present for Julian. It's a...it's a mistletoe belt buckle.

Bubbles

You're supposed to smooch what's ever under mistletoe, so...it's not too hard to figure out what she's tryin' to say.

Ricky

There is nothing better than being in jail at Christmas. Guards let you party for twelve days straight, got no fuckin' work chores or book readin's or Christmas trees or giving gifts or fuckin' lights... Fuck all that bullshit! [to other prisoners] Let's get fucked up!

Ricky, you got somebody here to see you.

Ricky

What are you talking about?

Ricky

Bubbles! What are you doing here, buddy?

Bubbles

Hey Ricky! Julian bailed you out! You're out!

Ricky

What?

Bubbles

Get your stuff!

Ricky

No, Bubs, no! I got twelve days of partying. Come back in twelve days, buddy.

Bubbles

Ricky, what are you talking about? Come on, we're getting you out! Sign out!

Ricky

Oh my fuck! I don't wanna leave now! What the fuck's he doing bailing me out? Fuck! Thiebaud! Thiebaud, go get my shit. Apparently I'm out. Christmas is fuckin' ruined.