So tell me, buddy. What did you learn about being a man on the inside this time around, man?
Not shit, Rick. I'm talking about your soul. And we're going to Midnight Mass tomorrow night too, boys, by the way...
Way it goes! What did you learn about being a man?
Mostly just family stuff. I mean, well, a man is...is supposed to...always be thinkin' about stuff about his family and for to make himself to do things that are gonna good-er the family up-around and good-er it up. And that is what is a man.
Yeah. Yeah, no, you're--you're--you're right. But did you ever wonder why a smart guy like you is on this earth, Rick? Smart guy with a good soul, a guy who shouldn't be in jail?
Dad, don't be dissin' jail. Seriously. Don't fuckin' diss jail.
I'm not dissing jail, Rick. I'm not dissing jail, buddy. I'm talking about your spirituality here, okay? Come on, spirituality!
Dad, I write letters every year. You know that. I mean, I'm sending a letter off to the big guy tomorrow. So, it's taken care of. Done. No problem.
The letters... You and Mom got me to write them every year at Christmas. I'm sending one off tomorrow again.
BubblesThe big guy?! The big guy? That's God, Ricky.
Yeah, God. That's what I said. Santa.
Ricky, come on. You know Santa and God aren't the same guy, right?
Dad, you didn't know that? I mean, think about it! How would he get around the world in one night? Of course he's the same person. Right, Bubs?
Bubbles
No, Ricky. Santa and God, that's two different things.
Oh my fuck! You know, I did maybe think that I fucked that up. I wasn't sure, and I didn't want to say anything just in case Santa was God. Like, it would obviously, probably, wouldn't it piss him off that I got that mixed up like that?
Well, yeah, Ricky, but... Man!
Bubs, you never mixed that up?
Bubbles
No, Ricky, I've never mixed that one up. Ricky, wait now. Were you counting on Santa to bring presents to Trinity?
Yeah. What, Santa's not coming now?
Well, that's fuckin' bullshit! Well, I've got no presents! What am I supposed to do? I need presents for Lucy and Trinity!
Great! Christmas is fucked!
Boys, get these trees delivered! Come on!
Hurry the fuck up, we gotta go down to the mall! Fuckin' nerds...
Bubbles
[laughs] Nerds!
What the fuck are you guys doing? Huh? Grab a tree! Both of yas! One each!
You want one of these ones, er...
Just grab a fuckin' tree!
Julian, I can't get the tree out, it's stuck!
You can't get the tree out because you're a nerd! Why is there two nerds carrying one tree?! One tree per nerd! Goddamn fuckin' nerds!
Boys! Let's go. We have to get to church. Let's go.
Dad, I can't go to church. Got a bunch of dope from jail and we're going down to the pool hall to make some money!
Ricky, it's Christmas. We're going to church. That's the way it goes.
Ray, I've got gifts to sell. I'm not going to church. I can't go to church.
Bubbles
I'm not going to church. I have no interest in going.
Dad, I gotta sell my dope...
Way it goes! Way it goes, boys.
I saw Director's Cut, that was fuckin' awesome.
Bubbles
Ricky, that was Blade Runner: The Director's Cut. That's not the name of the movie.
TTerry
Dennis, what the fuck is going on here?
DDennis
Terry, can you do me a fucking favour and just chill out a little bit? All right? Everything is under control. Fuck, j--just chill out for a bit. Just sit down or somethin'.
Bubbles
Hey, Ricky. Holy fuck, that bacon smells good! Is there any extra?
Only had a few piece, bud. I gave it to, ah, gave it to the old man.
[Bubbles looks to Ray, who nods "no"]
I'm doin' bread heels and grease, it's pretty good. You want half?
Bubbles
Of an old bread heel?
Yeah, just dip it in the bacon grease. It's fuckin' awesome.
[Ricky holds out the pan. Bubbles reluctantly dips his half of bread heel in the grease.]
Bubbles
You do it too. You're not trickin' me, are ya?
[Bubbles takes a bite, a disgusted look crosses his face]
Bubbles
It's kinda fuckin' dry, Ricky. Have you anything to drink?
A little bit left in that.
[Ricky hands Bubbles a burnt and melted plastic pint of liquor. Bubbles takes a sip and an even more disgusted look crosses his face. He hands it back to Ricky, who downs the rest.]
Bubbles
Well, kind of.
[Bubbles finds a spacesuit in his rocket kit]
Bubbles
What's this? HOLY FUCK, a spacesuit! DEE-CENT!
No way! Fuckin' deck nulls, man! Check those out!
[Julian brings a coffee cup and dog dish to toast with]
[Ricky takes the dog dish]
Well, let's make toast, boys!
To a good fuckin' time today.
Bubbles
This is a good time! [takes a drink] I'm gonna go put my spacesuit on, boys, then let's get this dirty cocksucker in the air!
Bubbles, are you sure we gotta play space here? This is kind of stupid.
Bubbles
Come on, Ricky, look at this! This is awesome! Mission control, this is Commander Bubbles. I'm getting an NPS warning light on the link monitor control subsystem. I'm requesting reallocation to main OMS firing to CDS at level six, please advise.
Copy there, Commander. Reallocating there, Commander Bubbles.
Bubbles
Try some, Ricky!
[sighs] Breaker, breaker, come in, Earth. This is rocketship 27. Aliens fucked over the carbonator in engine number 4, I'm gonna try to refuckulate it and land on Juniper. Uh, hopefully they got some space weed, over. How's that, buddy? I don't fuckin' know!
Bubbles
Ricky, that's not very good. Use space words, real ones, not talkin' about space weed!
Dartmouth Regional Vacational School? Julian, are you fucked in the head? I thought we weren't going to fucking high school. I can't go to fucking vacational school.
Rick, you're not selling hash in high school, alright? You're old enough to be a teacher in high school, Rick. Think.
Yeah, but the learning thing that you get at fucking spoken out and trying to get up in there and then you gotta...fuck.
I can't do this, man. My brain doesn't work this way. It's not college level.
This is the perfect place to sell hash. We are not gonna get caught. Everything'll be fine. Come on.
Bubbles
You'll do alright, Ricky.
Think about this. Think about your daughter. Think about Lucy. They're gonna be impressed with you. They're gonna be so fucking proud of you, man. Come on, let's go.
Julian, this brain barely got through fucking Grade 7. Well, Julian's been all paranoid lately with fucking Lahey and all these books he's reading, for fuck sakes. He says it's too risky for me to have a bunch of hash on me around schools that do these random searches, so he used this big smart thinking stuff to come up with this new plan where basically I just take orders for hash in the daytime, get people's locker number and combinations, then at night, we break into the school, if there's money in the lockers, we just drop the hash off there. Use the honor Lee system. And hopefully it's gonna work out good. Boys, they're not gonna let me in here. If they do, there's not a fucking chance in hell I'm gonna get a greeting card. Think about it, I'm stupid.
Rick, listen to me. Don't let school shit distract you, okay? You're here for one reason, and that's to sell drugs, okay? Stay focused, man.
Bubbles
There's two ways to look at it, really. Either you go to school to learn, or you go to school to sell drugs. And Ricky's here to sell drugs. I mean, maybe if it was under different circumstances he could learn something, but Julian wants him just to sell drugs. It's kind of ironic, really.
You know what a shit barometer is, Bubs?
Bubbles
No.
Measures the shit pressure in the air. You can feel it. Listen, Bubs. Hear that? Sounds of the whispering winds of shit.
What the fuck are you going on about?
Bubbles
No, I don't hear anything.
Oh, but you will, my sorry little friend, when the ol' shit barometer rises, and you'll feel it too. Your ears will implode from the shit pressure. You were warned, Bubs. But you picked the wrong side. Beware, my friend. Shit winds are a-comin'.
What if we drove down midnight pass road?
No, man. If we go up this way, we stop at Mimar's Arcade right there.
What the fuck? Do one of you idiots mind telling why there's only 10 fuckin' carts left in that truck instead of 20?
Yeah, we had to move 10 off.
Oh, you moved 10 off. Did you hear that, Julian? Precious little Cory and Trevor fucked up and took 10 carts off the goddamn load!
Your order's for 10 carts, Rick. You fucked up.
What the fuck are you lookin' at, Trevor?
Fucked up, Ricky. You know what else? You're wearing the same dirty clothes since you got out of jail. Fuck up, man.
What did you just say to me?
Bubbles
Uh oh.
I'm not gonna say "who's there", man.
You just did, you fuckin' idiot.
[Ricky rips Trevor's pants]
Bubbles
Ricky! Ricky!
Bubbles
Ricky!
[Julian gets out of the car]
Boys! Boys! We're supposed to be workin' like a team here! You wanna be on the winning team that makes a shitload of money, or do you wanna be on the losing team that goes to jail, huh? Apologize to him!
I'm not apologizing to him.
Cory, move. Apologize to him.
I'm sorry I ripped your pants off, Trevor.
It's alright, Ricky. Shit happens, man.
Do you want your pocket back, Trevor?
Here's some gas money. Cory, get over here. Gas money, and here's twenty for a new pair of pants.
Alright, no speeding. Put on your seatbelts. Don't fuck around.
Bubbles
Ricky, you ripped his fuckin' pants right off.
I don't know what happened. I'm just so stressed out lately. I fucked up. He was fuckin' standin' up to me though. He better watch himself or he's gonna lose a fuckin' friend. I'll tell you that.
Halloween 1977, Jules. You remember, don't you, Bubbles? Yo, what's at work here? It's the shit-tectonics. When two shit-plates strike, and come together under incredible pressure, what happens, Bubbles?
Bubbles
What, Mr. Lahey?
Shit quake. May the Force be with you, gentlemen. And may I be with the Force.
Bubbles
I remember Halloween 1977 like it was yesterday. I remember everything about that night.
Well, I didn't even smoke dope back in '77, so I can tell you exactly what happened on Halloween.
I remember Halloween 1977 perfectly.
We dressed up as people from Star Wars, and I remember Julian copied off me. I don't even remember what I dressed up as, Luke Skywalker or Dark Vader or something, but Julian copied off me. Bubbles was the gold guy, I remember that.
Bubbles
Had my C-3P0 outfit on. I remember the way the moon was gleamin' off the gold. I just wanted to get candy and Julian was on the liquor. I mean, we were only kids, but he was still drivin' liquor into him.
Then we see Lahey coming home. He just got off duty. Parked his car, got out. Ricky decides he wants to fuck over his cop car.
Bubbles or Julian, I can't remember which one. It was probably Julian, but I think it was Bubbles, said, "Let's go mess around with his cop car over here."
Bubbles
Julian had the idea, he wanted to get into some 'mischief', I remember is what he called it. And he wanted to go push Lahey's car, put it out of gear and see where it would roll to.
They put the car out of gear and started pushing it.
Bubbles
Put it out of gear and off it went, and it picked up way more speed than they thought it would, and it crashed right into a fuckin' trailer. I remember thinking, "Oh my God, now we did it."
And Lahey, he was a cop back then, it was his car, he ran out. All he wanted was to take Julian's liquor, 'cause Julian was drinking big time back then. Julian fought him for it, liquor went up, got spilled all over Lahey and his uniform. He finally got the liquor, got back to his car and was trying to get car unstuck from the trailer in reverse, and liquor spilled all over his crotch.
Next thing you know, George Green shows up, he was Lahey's partner.
He's the stupidest cop there is and he thought Lahey was drunk, pissed himself. It did look like he was drunk and pissed himself, but he wasn't drunk. I don't think he even pissed himself at all, so it was a misunderstanding.
Bubbles
He started saying, "Now listen, George, this isn't what it looks like", and George told him he was drunk, and as they started arguing, all that did is make Lahey look more drunk and crazy than he actually was back then. And next thing, Lahey's under arrest and it was our fault.
It came down to two choices, and Lahey, well, he resigned. I just can't believe that Julian and Bubbles, they--they ruined Mr. Lahey's life.
He lost his career, he lost his marriage, went down the tubes and he lost his mind.
Bubbles
Mr. Lahey used to be nice back then, and we turned him into a drunk, crazy lunatic.
[Bubbles reads an ad out of a magazine]
Bubbles
Decent! Julian, check this out!
Bubbles
Look! Tenth Annual Bangor International Model Train Convention! Look who's hosting! Sebastian Bach, Skid Row! My God, "Trains from all over the world, this year featuring the Swayzie Express!"
Swayzie Express? Patrick Swayze?
Bubbles
[narration] Julian's always been really sensitive about the whole Patrick Swayze thing, because when we were kids in school, the other kids used to tease him and call him "Patrick Swayze", but Julian was reeeeally into Dirty Dancing. I remember one time me and Ricky were coming over to get Julian to go ride bikes, and we walked in the trailer and Julian was dressed up like him, pretending he was in the movie Dirty Dancing. Ricky told everyone at school and from then on they teased him, "Patrick Swayze"!
Are you fucking with me here, Bubbs? 'Cause it's not funny, man.
Bubbles
No, Julian! Not that Patrick Swayze, not the actor Patrick Swayze. This is a different one.
Trailer Park Boys · 180 quotes
