A character in The Venture Bros.
Played by Steven Rattazzi
The Venture Bros. · 726 quotes
6th most-quoted character in The Venture Bros.: in 75 of its 726 quotes
Most scenes with: Doctor Thaddeus Venture (18), The Alchemist (15), Jefferson Twilight (13)
Sweet, the action-figures came?
Finally, merchandising. That’s where the real money's at.
Cha-ching.
Dr. OrpheusActually, Hasbro passed. These I made myself.
Hmm, nice work. A little on the creepy side but... You sculpt these yourself?
Dr. OrpheusOh heavens no. I merely repainted a old MEGO-doll of The Falcon.
Argh.
Would you rather be Spock with a bald spot, I’ll trade you!
Orpheus, you drag us into this BS, so how do you wanna go out? Sitting in a peep-booth waiting for some Atari bitch to tell you Game-Over, or do you wanna finish what you started?
Dr. OrpheusWhat do you mean?
I mean we already know where they're at, so lets go get them.
Dr. OrpheusYes, yes.
Yeah-yeah, Player-3 buying in.
Alright, everybody out. I gotta - I gotta wipe.
Dr. OrpheusGood lord. Have you been using the toilet under there this whole time?
We are at war with Hitler again! This is how it's done on the front lines, soldier!
Dr. OrpheusThis dog has a great evil in him!
That is learned behavior. That's the owner's fault usually. You have to show them that you're the alpha male.
Dr. OrpheusNot even the great Cesar Milan could whisper this hell hound!
Dr. OrpheusTatyana, what are you doing here?
[as Tatyana] I was just sitting here thinking how glad I am that I left you for the OutRider, and how he does that thing you used to do with your mouth, but better because he can hold his breath longer.
Dr. OrpheusOh... it is you. My Master.
[as Tatyana] Duh, Orpheus. Now what’s all this cry-baby crap about. Aren’t you used to the OutRider making you look like a shnooke by now?
Dr. OrpheusHe came out of a portal to the second-world. I have been training my whole life just to perceive that there is a second-world, and he can move between them. Tell me Master how can this be?
[as Tatyana] The love of a good woman can do wonders, Orpheus. I mean look at me, [Puts hands on breasts] and these are natural C cups. Aren’t they beautiful? I mean, you could bounce a penis off these!
Dr. OrpheusI doubt my ex-wife's breasts are the answer.
[as Tatyana] It doesn’t stop there; I’m sitting on what is easily the ass of a teenager. What does she do pilates or something? You can rest a coffee mug on it.
Dr. OrpheusReally, she’s almost forty by now!
[as Tatyana] Well, you tell it to the heinie Orpheus, because it still thinks it's 1992.
Dr. OrpheusWe must draw him out. Draw him from Hell with Hell. Quickly! What is the worst thing that's ever happened to you? (Points at Jefferson Twilight.)
Um...I saw my mom raped by blackulas. I was 10. She called my name. I just stood there.
Dr. OrpheusUm, wow. Wait, I can hear him. More ugliness?
Once I saw two homeless guys giving each other oral sex.
Dr. OrpheusYes, he's closer! More like that.
Okay, this is really gross. Once I was out of toilet paper, so I used cotton balls. So, you know, I'm wiping, and I think my finger kinda poked through the cotton. So I—and do not ask me why—I smell my finger to check.
Gross. I see where this is going.
Dr. OrpheusQuickly, Al, he's so close!
Okay, I bring it up to smell it, right. But somehow the cotton got stuck to my fingers, so when I smell my fingers, the cotton's getting stuck to my razor stubble. So then I have this shit-cotton all over my face!
How did it go?
Dr. OrpheusWhat are you doing in here?
Did he mention me? The Master in your daughter’s closet that may not exist!
Dr. OrpheusNo he didn’t mention you. And it went like it always does, he tore away at my heart until he kicked me out.
Torrid's a dick. Who does that? Who opens up hell, honestly?
Dr. OrpheusIf Torrid gets the portal open we’re done for. Once the second-world comes through, we haven’t the power to stop them.
I gotta be honest, I’m scared. I’m like a 9 scared. 9.3 maybe.
Dr. OrpheusWe should all be at 10. There isn’t a sorcerer alive who has the ability to fight the denizen of the second-world. I’m a 10.
If Orpheus is going Bo Derek then I'm pushing it up to 8.
Dr. OrpheusI admire your bravery. Now are you ready to wage our final battle?
What? Hell no. I have one more thing to try. [Yells at Torrid] Stop being a pud. Knock it off you dimbat. Nobody wants you to open a door to hell.
[ Cthulhu comes out of the portal and reaches for Torrid]
No, no. I command thee!
[It grabs Torrid and throws him inside the portal]
Something just came out of the vortex and killed Torrid. So, that happen.
Dr. OrpheusThe time is now. Triad join me. I am Dr. Orpheus, master of mysticism.
I’m a...
I don’t wanna do that introducing ourselves bit, it’s goofy. Lets not die being goofy.
I’m with Al. Maybe we can sing a Stevie Wonder song together!
Yeah, that’s not much better.
Dr. OrpheusTriad! Be unseen!
Was something supposed to happen? Are we invisible now, or something?
Dr. OrpheusNo, I meant that we should hide. Just like behind something.
Well be specific next time.
Remember when your wife used to screw you without paperwork?
Dr. OrpheusOh nice language in front of the boy.
You hear alot in my line of work.
Let me ask you a question.
Dr. OrpheusSure.
It's the...Bewitched question.
Dr. OrpheusOh, yes. Why didn't Darrin let Samantha just make them magically rich so he wouldn't have to be a workaday whipping boy?
Yeah. Where do you stand on that one?
Dr. OrpheusI can't make you rich, Al.
I don't want that. It's just that...you know how I can tell if people are telling the truth. It's one of my gifts. Hank has this case...
Dr. OrpheusI've noticed you've been...palling around with the young lad.
That kid knows how to have fun, Orpheus. You could learn something from him. Anyway, in this case we got going, everyone is telling the truth, and none of it adds up. I...I kind of wanna help him.
Dr. OrpheusWell, we have these powers. They are a part of us, and we should never be ashamed or afraid to use them for good.
So, you'd...
Dr. OrpheusI would make Darrin filthy rich, turn Mr. Tate into a donkey, tell Endora to get a life, and blind that nosey Mrs. Kravitz!
Dr. Orpheus[grabbing Dean and Hank's hands] I am blessed by what he loves most—the key to his soul's lock! Open his mind to me! [Nothing happens] Please?
Yeah, I'm not sure you had the right...key?
[Cut to Dr. Orpheus holding Dean's hand and a box]
Dr. OrpheusI am blessed by what he loves most—the key to his soul's lock! Open his mind to me! [Still nothing] Nope. Maybe I should...
Wait. Okay, try it with his old headshot, all the awards, the signed picture of Loni Anderson, all the money, the newspaper clippings, the shoebox of old love letters, but without the Rush cassette.
[removing the tape] Oh, here's your problem—it's a "best of."
And there's one more thing we haven't tried, [indicating Dean] and it's nothing personal, but...
[dejectedly stepping aside] I get it.
Dr. OrpheusOkay, one more time. I am blessed by what he loves most—the key to his soul's lock! Open his mind to me!
[Orpheus successfully projects, leaving a still white figure]
I'm sure it was the Rush cassette, Dean.
Dr. OrpheusDo you feel that?
Thank you, yes. And it hurts because I always say nice things about him. But he's always putting me down in front of the other guy...
Dr. OrpheusNo, that rumble. What is that rumble?
[Echo voice] Leviathan. He is why men murder. He is why men made war. The beast within us all. We are doomed.
Eerie, isn't he?
Oh crap, get outta the way.
[Zombie corpses of Hank & Dean walks by]
I hate those things. They're all over the place in here. They chew on stuff and get poop on everything.
Dr. OrpheusThey are his dead sons, forever haunting his subconscious mind.
[Echo voice] Leviathan draws near. Death is at hand. We cannot outrun the beast.
He gets that way around death. It's like he's in a Creed video. Why don't we go in one of these doors.
OK. Yeah that's cool.
Dr. OrpheusI presume you are the Rusty's Ego?
You got it. And the little guy's Eros, the jerk who made the Rusty join Match.com.
He's got to at least try to get some loving.
And the one with the umbrella is Thanatos, the jerk who made the Rusty quit Match.com.
Hey, many of these women could be murderous gold diggers, or, at the very least, carriers of chlamydia.
...and it all just comes pouring out like somebody stepped on a Snack Pack. So after you find the turkey baster, you both eat your way out of the tub. That's what I heard, at least.
I don't know what goes on at the Outrider's home, but I think I might need to give him a stern what-have-you.
Brock SamsonPatrick Warburton · 159 quotes
Hank VentureChristopher McCulloch · 137 quotes
Dean VentureMichael Sinterniklaas · 106 quotes
MMonarch96 quotes
Doctor GirlfriendDoc Hammer · 34 quotes
MBMaster Billy Quizboy31 quotes
PLPhantom Limb30 quotes
PWPete White27 quotes
The AlchemistDana Snyder · 27 quotes
CHCol. Hunter Gathers23 quotes
Jefferson TwilightCharles Parnell · 21 quotes
These quotes come from Wikiquote's The Venture Bros. pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
