(Malcolm, Jamie and Ollie are walking up the stairs to the offices at Government HQ, discussing Ben Swain.)
(to Ollie) Where's My Little Phony? Ben Swain. What's his Newsnight angle gonna be, then?
Ben? Ben is going on Newsnight?
(chuckling) Oh, you're a right little West Winger, you, aren't you? They're cutting you out of the loop already?
Well, I'll check who the presenter is and obviously...
The presenter is Newsbot 3.2. He's a nobody. He's a fucking scorch mark.
Paxo's in Kenya fly-fishing with Stephen Fry or whatever the fuck it is he does. Kirsty is sobering up in Kilmarnock with her gran, so she's out of the picture.
Well, I'll just check the lines with Pat Morrissey, then. And then we'll...
Pat Morrissey?
Yeah.
Her? What, Fat Pat?
Yeah.
"Pumpkin Tits?"
Yeah. Pat and, uh, Communications have asked that everything be double-ticked through her from now. (to Malcolm) I mean, you get a tick as well. Obviously.
(sarcastically) Oh well, well obviously! Yes, that's-that's very very nice and that's very fucking big of them! I get a tick!
So I mean, it's, it's two ticks for a, uh, a green light, basically, that's the system.
(beside himself) Pat Morrissey. Communications is full of Nutters these days.
Soon as the PM said he'd be gone inside a year, the Nutters start popping up like mela-fucking-noma.
(to Ollie) See you later. See you in a tick.
(to Ollie) What about you? You're not a Nutter, are you?
I-I'm not a Nutter, Jamie. I'm...I'm a nipper.
(Ollie then bumps into Terri.)
Hey, Terri!
Hi, Ollie, Happy New Year!
How was Christmas?
Oh, you know...
Yeah, I know, yeah. Six pairs of socks, three Harry Potter omnibuses. All that "I thought you were taking the giblets out. Don't give Nan any more Baileys. She's only got the one pad with her." (Ollie follows Terri into an office.) Every bloody year.
Yeah, well, you know, just me and Mum in the care home.
Right. Jesus...So, eh, Ben on Newsnight?
Ben Swain's going on Newsnight?
Yeah, yeah. Oh, God, thank God you didn't know, either. I thought it was just me.
Oh no no no. I did know about that, actually.
Well, why did you say it like that, then? "Ben Swain's going on Newsnight?"
You're just out of the loop. I'm very well wired into the Tommists.
(laughing) Nobody calls them Tommists. They're Nutters, Terri. Nobody calls them Tommists.
(dead serious) I don't like that word. My sister works in mental health.
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