(Malcolm and Jamie enter Ben's office. Time to discuss Ben's upcoming appearance as Jeremy Paxman's guest on Newsnight.)
Mr. Swain.
Jamie.
Good morning, Ben.
Morning, Malcolm.
(to 2 office workers) Off you two fuck.
(The 2 workers leave Ben's office.)
Right, Ben, heard the big news about Paxo.
Oh right.
What was it you did in your gap year again?
Um, Interrailing, month on a kibbutz –
Did you ever travel, like, 100 miles per hour, head-first through a tunnel full of pig shit? Because that's what's gonna happen to you tonight with Paxman, unless, unless...you listen to us.
He will eat you up, sick you out and grout his fucking wet room with you.
Yeah, I have been interviewed on television before, thank you very much.
Who?
George Alagiah.
Yeah? Do you know what they call him? Easy George.
This is Paxo. What are you gonna do when he pulls that big rubbery horse-face of mock-incredulity at you?
Yes, look, we know the cheat codes for Paxman now, don't we? That old aggressive style of his is just old school. All you need to do, you play the honest, the Honest Joe just trying to humbly get your point across and...
(pulling up a chair) Let's see you do your stuff, Mr. Television, huh?
(Jamie is pretending to be Jeremy Paxman on Newsnight, asking Ben questions.)
(As Paxo) Immigration is in disarray. What are you going to do about it?
Well, first of all, I would have to take issue with your contention that immigration is in...
Oh, answer the question, you fat fuck!
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