(Peter Mannion and Nicola Murray are now in the studio with Richard Bacon. Phil, Terri and Glenn are in the control room.)
RBRichard Bacon
Coming up shortly, we've got what could be a rather fiery showdown between two political heavyweights. After trading blows in the dailies, it's now time for them to meet face to face. So, it gives me great pleasure to introduce Nicola Murray...
(Richard gives Nicola a polite 'please wait' hand gesture.)
...Secretary of State for the Department of Social Affairs and Citizenship. (Richard gives Nicola the 'OK.')
Hello, again. I got it right that time. I managed to come in at the right time.
Hello, and from the shadow cabinet, the right honourable Peter Mannion MP.
Hi, Richard. Good to see you again.
Phil(in the control room) THE MANNIONATOR!
(to Peter) Good to see you again as well. Uh, listen, guys, first of all...
(to Phil) How old are you?
Either of you got any piercings? Any tattoos?
Uh, I've got an appendix scar, does that count?
Well, you know how it is. Out with a bunch of pals, got a bit tipsy, rolled into casualty, yeah. Hey, we all got it done.
Phil
Yeah! In your face, bitch!
That's very funny. Nicola Murray, any piercings?
You have got some piercings.
Uh, sorry, no piercings at all, no.
(All the while, Glenn is trying to remind Nicola about her pierced ears.)
Um, some people say that my distinguishing feature would be probably my ears, which I'm told are quite small.
But I do think we have to be a little bit careful about taking too light an approach to culturally sensitive issues, like body piercing or female circumcision...Uh, earrings! Earrings. I've got pierced ears.
(listening to Nicola on the radio) Fuck me, this is like a clown running across a minefield!
(Suddenly, Glenn's cell phone goes off in the control room.)
(the show's producer, to Glenn) Out!
Phil
Is that Nicola's doctor? Probably trying to book a circumcision.
(Glenn goes out of the control room to answer his phone.)
Are you producing porno now for the visually impaired?
Because what I'm hearing here, on my radio, is Nicola Murray being roundly fucked. What is this, Bukkake at Bedtime? Just, fu– put Ollie on.
Ollie, erm – Well he's not here, he's at home.
Tell that fucking stick of celery to get his arse out of there, and get down to 5 Live right now. Tell him to inject some energy into Nicola's performance. At the moment, she's coming across like a Nazi float at the fucking Notting Hill Carnival.
It seems to me what I call a "political meringue." Uh...sweet but, uh, lightweight and very little substance.
(Meanwhile, in the control room...)
Phil
(clapping) He's like bloody Ustinov, isn't he?
Uh, it's just such an old joke. Can you just please get out?
(to both Phil AND Terri) Yeah. Okay, right. Can you just both fucking get out of the studio now? You and fucking Rupert Brooke, just out!
(Meanwhile, Richard Bacon continues talking to Peter.)
I know exactly what you mean. The other day, the BBC sent me on a Health & Safety away day, where they taught me how to carry a cup of coffee.
(laughing) This, this is exactly what I mean. That makes no sense. That's nonsense, and uh... and we need to say no to the nanny state, uh, "boo" to nanny, and claw back some personal responsibility in the name of common sense.
We need to...Hang on, we need to say boo to nanny?
Yeah, it's just a play on Jools Holland's Hootenanny. (stuttering) I-I, I didn't write it, it's not...
But, you know...Hey nanny no.
(Phil spots Emma in the green room. Terri is also in there.)
Phil
Hey, that was quick. Did you tell him?
Kind of. He's getting the message.
Phil
Look, I couldn't say while you were together, but I really don't know what you saw in him.
You told me all the time how much you hated him. That was one of the main reasons I went out with him so long.
(to Emma) Are you splitting up with Ollie?
Sorry, can you actually hear all right over there? I can pop into the studio and get some microphones so you can get all the details.
No, I can hear fine. Yes, no, I think that's a really good idea. I mean, for your sake. I'd back you up on that.
(pleased) What, I have your backing? Oh, fantastic. Thanks.
Phil
Hey, Emma, look, you're clearly overemotional right now. Why don't you go home, you know, drink some mojitos with your girlfriends and talk about shoes? I've got it covered here.
Yeah. Well, actually, Stewart called me in because he wanted me to SatNav Peter out of the dead end you've driven him into. So, perhaps you should piss off and read that Marie Claire you nicked off me.
(And then, Phil's cell phone rings again -- and once again, Stewart's on the other line.)
Phil
(answering his cell phone) Hi, Stewart. He's great, isn't he?
"Boo to nanny?" Phil, no one watches Jools Holland, yeah? We need to be appealing to One Show man and Holby City woman.
Phil
Just shut up, Emma. The men are talking?
Phil
Yes, she is here.
Thank God! Put her on, Phil.
(Emma gets on the cell phone to talk to Stewart.)
This is the brief. Got a pen?
Yeah, hang on. (to Phil) Have you got a pen?
Phil
Yeah, you're not having it.
(to Emma) Do you need a pen?
Uh, I do, thanks. (to Stewart) Sorry, Stewart, hang on.
Why don't you have one just sellotaped to your chin, Emma? Write this down! Write on his shirt! Just write it down!
(Phil tries to take the pen from Emma, but Emma's not messing around.)
(to Emma) Are you listening to Daddy?
I want you to pull some info, right? On city bonuses, tax evasion, non-doms. Let's name and shame some fat cats! I want to hear some fact-enforced noise!
(Phil enters the green room.)
Right, if you speak to me, I will pour hot coffee on your balls.
Phil
Hey, guy, I don't want to fight. I want to clear the air, actually. We're like those two little old people in the weathercock: you come out, I'm in there, and we're swapping round.
You're Mr. Sunshine, are you?
Phil
I'm Mr. Sunshine!
You're a little wooden twat, in a little wooden house.
Phil
Come on, there's no need – we can be friends! I'm thinking two enemies, they come together when they realise it is no more. Aragorn and Boromir! Me: Aragorn, the true king. You: Boromir. Your horn is broken, and will be blown no more.
This inability to talk without using Lord of the Rings metaphors is one of the very many reasons that we could never be friends.
Phil
Okay. By the way, you'll be getting a bill. That's OK, though, I presume you're expecting that.
(sighing) Okay, I'll bite. Why will I be getting a bill, Phil?
Phil
Ah, let me see, partial rent, electricity, gas, internet use, toilet paper...Kept a note every time you were round at the flat.
You're moving out? Oh, that's a shame. I'll miss doing that secret and bad thing I did with your roll-on deodorant.
Phil
I'm not moving out. I'm just guessing that seeing how Emma's dumped you, you won't be coming round much any more.
Phil
Oh, let me just savor this moment. Thank you, God. She hasn't told you, has she?
Phil
She's dumped you. She did it tonight.
No, no. She didn't do it tonight.
Phil
Let me get a little photo of this moment. Hey, new desktop picture here: Ollie being dumped!
(Ollie doesn't appreciate being told of this bit of news by Phil.)
Why would she tell you first, dickwad?
Phil
I've no idea, she told me to get out of the flat tonight so she could dump you. Anyway, in the words of Shakespears Sister, (sings in falsetto) 'You're History'! (Ollie throws his coffee at Phil's groin) Ah, f– It's a dark suit and it's only lukewarm, I still win!
(Meanwhile, in the green room...)
(to Emma) You tell fucking Man at C&A that I'm dumped before I do, is that it?
(to Phil) What's he talking about?
Phil
(to Emma) I thought he knew.
(to Phil) Oh, you fucking twit!
Do you mind keeping it down? Some of us are trying to listen.
Phil
I can fill you in: Peter's tearing through her like a Viking at a nunnery.
If he's a Viking, he's King Cnut!
Phil
WHAT?
Yes, he's drowning in the party donations. You should listen!
Phil
Bullshit!
(Phil and Emma are listening on the radio. Ollie's trying to get Emma's attention.)
(to Emma) You can't even fucking look at me!
Phil
We're trying to listen here now.
OEOllie & Emma
Shut the fuck up, Phil!
(And now, EVERYBODY'S arguing!)
(storming into the green room) OK, do you want to shut up? And if you lot don't keep this down, I'm gonna have you all ejected from the building! (points at Terri) You are the worst, my chair still smells of your perfume!
Excuse me! For the record, I have done nothing.
Yes, that will be your epitaph, Terri.
(Nicola and Glenn are celebrating just outside the green room.)
Great! Good! Yes! I'm cooking now.
I'm fucking Delia Smith! I'm cracking eggs, I'm pouring in baking powder, I'm using fucking vanilla extract. It's great!
(Peter is in the green room with Phil, trying to recover from his stumbles on 5 Live.)
That was not good. That was the opposite of good.
Phil
Bad.
How do I counter? Have you heard of JFU?
Phil
I didn't actually hear that bit, so I don't know.
You couldn't hear? CHRIST! You're...(Chuckling, looking at Nicola and Glenn outside) Sorry, it's just...
(Peter is now very upset with Phil, to say the least.)
(to Phil) You're here to hear, Phil. Why do you think you're here? You're HERE to HEAR! You're not here for eye candy!
Phil
Look, it's not my fault. It was very noisy in here. Ollie and Emma were splitting up at the time, and I couldn't really focus...
Emma? Emma? Why is Emma here?
Phil
Stewart sent her down here.
(looking at Phil's trousers) Why have you got wet trousers?
Phil
Ollie threw coffee at me.
I'm sorry. I seemed to have wandered into some 1970s Ray Cooney farce. Is the vicar about to come around with Brian Rix and Robin Askwith?
Right, back in. Headphones on ears, arses on chairs.
(Meanwhile, Ollie and Emma are arguing in the hallway...and Terri's sitting just inches away from them.)
Ollie, we just, we don't make any time for each other any more.
We're busy people. We work really, really hard. We work harder than Fat Pat's arteries. Of course we...
Did you used to make time for each other? I mean, I think that's the crucial question.
Okay, just for a second, Aunt Terri, fuck off!
Pretend you've got to go and have a shit or something.
(to Emma) You're going to be a lot better off without him.
What do you mean I'm going to be...
You're not going to be better off...
(to Ollie) Sorry, have you...Do you talk about me at work?
Oh, fuck this! This is like that nightmare I had about being on Loose Women.
(After Ollie walks away from the argument, however, he sees Glenn and Phil talking in the corner.)
(to Phil) ...that one at all. I mean, everyone knows that Schumacher is Stig.
Phil
I think that was just publicity, just to keep it going.
(to himself) Right. I'll go back to Loose Women.
Phil
(still talking to Glenn) Friend of mine thinks it's actually May, Hammond and Clarkson, purely 'cause Stig is an anagram of "gits."
(Ollie is forced to go back to Emma and Terri's corner.)
I just don't think he should be talking about me at all, let alone things that are totally private.
No, I agree, I absolutely – (sees that Ollie has returned) Then the bank bonuses are very high, aren't they?
I know you've been talking about me, Terri, because I've got this weird Derren Brown thing going on where I can see and hear things, Terri.
So, Ollie, what exactly have you been saying to them in the office about me?
I've been saying, er, you smell of fennel, you're racist –
– you torture horses, and you're in The Bangles, that's what I've been saying about you at work.
See, I think you've been sexually bragging.
Well, don't flatter yourself.
(Stewart has finally entered the room.)
(to Emma) Emma, I didn't send you here so you could chat about your sex life. I sent you here to back-block Peter's narrative, hmm? (Stewart then points to the Piercings Man.) And what's happened to Phil? I mean, don't get me wrong, I like him, but I'm not seeing him in man-made fibers.
He's just drying his...He's drying his trousers.
(Stewart's in quiet disbelief...)
(Over at Opposition HQ, however, Malcolm's departure is being celebrated by Peter Mannion and his team.)
Yeah, a really shit era though, isn't it?
Phil
(cheering) WHOO!
(to Phil) Oh, f-- Calm down!
Phil
Balrog's dead! I mean, that's it. I mean, they're done. I mean, no one can replace him. It's like when Queen lost Freddie. You know. Certainly not Paul Rodgers.
(Stewart Pearson, however, wants no part of the festivities. He wants everyone to get back to business.)
All right, everyone. That's the two seconds of respect due to him. Now get back to your desks and do something, okay? (to a female worker) Not the sofa! Who are you, Lorraine Kelly? Get out here and do something! If you've nothing to do, leave, because you're clearly surplus to requirements!
All right now, listen up, my children of a lesser god, you will find a file marked 'Snap Election Drill' on the J drive. And if you don't know how to access the J drive, hand your pass in at reception, go and buy some silver body paint, and pretend to be a robot on the South Bank. Fly my pretties, fly!
(Suddenly, Phil's cell phone rings.)
Phil
Stewart! Stewart, The Fucker's downstairs.
No, no, no. He's not downstairs, but if he were, I'd know about it, and if I knew about it, I would have vetoed it. Okay?
He is, and he is complete poison.
Ah, The Fucker! (to Stewart) And you thought he was just a myth created to frighten naughty MPs into eating all their truffles and swan.
Watch my lips. Cal Richards is not here.
(But Cal Richards IS there...and he's headed their way.)
Good to see you. I didn't know about this. JB didn't say anything.
Hello, everyone. I just wanted it to be a surprise.
(Cal shakes hands with Peter, Phil and Emma while he's talking to Stewart.)
Yeah, why are you...why are you here?
Well, mate, I just thought I'd check in with the intellectual powerhouse of the party. That's all. That's why I'm here.
Right. Well, if you want to step in the office, yeah, I'll dismiss the children and we can talk.
No. 'Cause I'm kidding, aren't I? No, because I've come here to tell you that you're fucking sacked.
(thrilled) Halle-bloody-lujah!
(A look of doom comes over Stewart's face...)
Phil
Should I escort Stewart from the building, then, Cal?
Philip, Don't be such a fucking turncoat.
Yes, Philip, excellent idea. And while you're there, could you do me another favour, please? Could you find a hostel, go there, and take a fucking overdose of barbiturates?
(Emma chuckles at Cal's request.)
Yeah, right. Okay, well, I'm not fired. You can't fire me, Cal, so shall we just cut to the chase? Hmm?
(pretending to talk like a baby) "Aw, you can't fire me, Cal, 'cause you're..." Gotcha! I'm kidding. Of course you're not fired. Look at your face.
(smiling, but not amused) Funny.
I'm sensing a change in management styles here from touchy-feely to smashy-testes.
No, okay, joking aside, I'm just an impartial observer. Quite partial, obviously. So, uh, take it away, Captain Mainwaring.
(to the crowd) All right, folks, listen up. We have three key targets when we are smart-bombing our beloved PM and they are: The deficit, unemployment, lack of leadership. Get onto the J drive, you'll find key...
(And then suddenly -- Cal EXPLODES!)
FUCK, THAT IS BRILLIANT!! THAT IS INSPIRED! WHAT SAUCE! GET IN! IT'S THE ECONOMY, STEWPOT! Fuck, what I REALLY need to do is to shoot you all in the back of the head! (imitating a gun) FUCK! FUCK! FUCK! FUCK! But I can't, because it's illegal!
(Then, Cal calms back down again.)
Okay, I'd like a small cappuccino, two extra shots, please. I think we've got a long night ahead of us. (to Stewart) Come on!
(to Cal) I'm coming. (to Peter) Better the devil you know, huh?
(Malcolm Tucker and Cal Richards are giving pre-election pep talks to their respective parties)
I know what people say to you, right? They say: 'We hate you. I hate you, I hate you, I hate you.' Everybody hates you. So fucking what? Some people, they just fucking love to hate. Some people, they'd fucking walk around the fucking Garden of Eden fucking moaning about the lack of fucking mobile reception. These are the kind of fucks who watched Mandela – fucking Nelson Mandela – walk to freedom, and said 'Is Diagnosis: Murder not on the other side?' So we fucking forget about them.
This government has run this country into the ground. This used to be a green and pleasant land, now it's the colour of the fucking BBC Weather map. It looks like anaemic dogshit.
JB, Cal Richards, and their hordes of fucking robots, they're coming over the hill, towards us! And all you have got to do is this: bend down, pick up any fucking weapon you can, and twat the fuckery out of them –
This government is maimed, but it can't be shamed. It will. Be. FUCKED!
Let's get out there, and let's fucking kill them, LET'S SET FIRE TO TEARS! Let's go! (all applaud and cheer) Come on! Let's go, yes!
Phil (to Emma): What do we do?
(on an office phone) What do I call for an outside line?
That was great, wasn't it?
Phil
What do we do?
Is it 9, 'cause that's what it is everywhere else?
(At the start of this episode, Peter Mannion is headed to the Department of Social Affairs and Citizenship -- DoSAC, for short. He is talking on his cell phone to his wife. Today's their wedding anniversary.)
No, of course I know it's our anniversary. What do you think the card was for? (Peter's wife said something to him.) I left it on the kitchen table.
(Peter's wife may not have seen the card.)
Oh, right. My bad, as they say.
You're a very tidy man, aren't you?
Phil
'There's no happiness without order.' It's a Nazi quote, but nonetheless stands the test of time.
(We now find out that Peter has a partner at DoSAC in the "Coalition Government.")
(still on his cell phone with his wife.) Well, I can't leave before my Coalition partner. Fergus, I told you. (And now, poor Peter's cranky.) Well, I say partner. He's Lewis, I'm Morse.
The Thick Of It · 395 quotes
