Cal quotes from The Thick Of It

Stewart

All right now, listen up, my children of a lesser god, you will find a file marked 'Snap Election Drill' on the J drive. And if you don't know how to access the J drive, hand your pass in at reception, go and buy some silver body paint, and pretend to be a robot on the South Bank. Fly my pretties, fly!

Phil

Stewart! Stewart, The Fucker's downstairs.

Stewart

No, no, no. He's not downstairs, but if he were, I'd know about it, and if I knew about it, I would have vetoed it. Okay?

Emma

He is, and he is complete poison.

Peter

Ah, The Fucker! (to Stewart) And you thought he was just a myth created to frighten naughty MPs into eating all their truffles and swan.

Stewart

Watch my lips. Cal Richards is not here.

Stewart

Cal!

Hello.

Stewart

Hi.

Cal

Hi, Stewart.

Stewart

Good to see you. I didn't know about this. JB didn't say anything.

Cal

Hello, everyone. I just wanted it to be a surprise.

Stewart

Yeah, why are you...why are you here?

Cal

Well, mate, I just thought I'd check in with the intellectual powerhouse of the party. That's all. That's why I'm here.

Stewart

Right. Well, if you want to step in the office, yeah, I'll dismiss the children and we can talk.

Cal

No. 'Cause I'm kidding, aren't I? No, because I've come here to tell you that you're fucking sacked.

Peter

(thrilled) Halle-bloody-lujah!

Phil

Should I escort Stewart from the building, then, Cal?

Emma

Philip, Don't be such a fucking turncoat.

Cal

Yes, Philip, excellent idea. And while you're there, could you do me another favour, please? Could you find a hostel, go there, and take a fucking overdose of barbiturates?

Stewart

Yeah, right. Okay, well, I'm not fired. You can't fire me, Cal, so shall we just cut to the chase? Hmm?

Cal

(pretending to talk like a baby) "Aw, you can't fire me, Cal, 'cause you're..." Gotcha! I'm kidding. Of course you're not fired. Look at your face.

Stewart

(smiling, but not amused) Funny.

Peter

I'm sensing a change in management styles here from touchy-feely to smashy-testes.

Cal

No, okay, joking aside, I'm just an impartial observer. Quite partial, obviously. So, uh, take it away, Captain Mainwaring.

Stewart

(to the crowd) All right, folks, listen up. We have three key targets when we are smart-bombing our beloved PM and they are: The deficit, unemployment, lack of leadership. Get onto the J drive, you'll find key...

Cal

FUCK, THAT IS BRILLIANT!! THAT IS INSPIRED! WHAT SAUCE! GET IN! IT'S THE ECONOMY, STEWPOT! Fuck, what I REALLY need to do is to shoot you all in the back of the head! (imitating a gun) FUCK! FUCK! FUCK! FUCK! But I can't, because it's illegal!

Cal

Okay, I'd like a small cappuccino, two extra shots, please. I think we've got a long night ahead of us. (to Stewart) Come on!

Stewart

(to Cal) I'm coming. (to Peter) Better the devil you know, huh?

Malcolm

I know what people say to you, right? They say: 'We hate you. I hate you, I hate you, I hate you.' Everybody hates you. So fucking what? Some people, they just fucking love to hate. Some people, they'd fucking walk around the fucking Garden of Eden fucking moaning about the lack of fucking mobile reception. These are the kind of fucks who watched Mandela – fucking Nelson Mandela – walk to freedom, and said 'Is Diagnosis: Murder not on the other side?' So we fucking forget about them.

Cal

This government has run this country into the ground. This used to be a green and pleasant land, now it's the colour of the fucking BBC Weather map. It looks like anaemic dogshit.

Malcolm

JB, Cal Richards, and their hordes of fucking robots, they're coming over the hill, towards us! And all you have got to do is this: bend down, pick up any fucking weapon you can, and twat the fuckery out of them –

Cal

This government is maimed, but it can't be shamed. It will. Be. FUCKED!

Malcolm

Let's get out there, and let's fucking kill them, LET'S SET FIRE TO TEARS! Let's go! (all applaud and cheer) Come on! Let's go, yes!

Cal

OK, let's get going.

Cal

(on an office phone) What do I call for an outside line?

Emma

That was great, wasn't it?

Phil

What do we do?

Cal

Is it 9, 'cause that's what it is everywhere else?

Cal

(to an anonymous Opposition member of staff) Stop saying "Abingdon" to me, I want a fucking chocolate biscuit!

Peter

Yeah, for the first time in a decade, I can feel the old dog twitching to life.

Peter

The old dog I was referring to was me.