Scenes with Phil Smith 55
(at Peter's office door) Ah, Peter. I'm expecting great things!
Laters, legislators. (leaves)
Peter (looking at Fergus's policy): The only way this policy launch could be worse is if I understood the bloody thing.
Glenn (walking in with a file which he dumps on Phil): Right, I'm gonna put the old tea-cauldron on! Anybody fancy a brew?
(They all ignore him. During Emma's line, he gives up and leaves.)
Peter, risk of sounding like your mum: time for school. You need to get to this meeting.
I hate schoolchildren, they're volatile and stupid and they haven't got the vote. Might as well be talking to fucking geese.
PhilWell, you know the school's only 10 minutes from your house. You could pop round for a late lunch.
Not much of a celebration. "Hello, darling, make me a Cup-a-Soup." Oh, now, I need a thoughtful, very personal present for Tina. Any ideas?
Phil
Erm, what about a sexy undergarment?
(disappointed in Phil's suggestion) No.
Perfume. What perfume does she wear?
No idea. Expensive, smells a bit of lemons.
Peter, before you go, I-I do really need a comment, I'm sorry, on this Tickel protest, please.
OK: 'As we enter the third week, I find Mr. Tickle's attention-seeking tent-based twattery even more annoying than weeks one and two.'
Really? Oh then by implication you know what you can say, so say that instead.
(Peter, Phil, and Emma are in the car to the policy launch)
Does he understand the policy? Forgive my concern, but it's a bit like asking if a dog can grasp the concept of Norway.
(on the phone to Emma) We have a question: does he understand the – Oh, she's hung up! Ever the charmless minor royal.
And I keep a straight face, do I, when I say to a room full of frogspawn, 'Upload your future'?
You know, that sounds great! No pronunciation traps. 'Cause you know what happened to the Chancellor, don't you, at the BRITs? 'Tinny' Tempah?
Phil
Well, it could have been worse, I heard he opened his stag do speech with 'my niggaz'.
Well at least I got 'I Call App Britain' right.
Phil
Thankfully with only a modicum of the contempt you used just now.
'Hooray, you got the title right! Let's get the driver to do some victory doughnuts.' You're gonna have to issue an apology, you know.
I'm not going back there and saying, 'Oh, that moment when I mistook an abbreviation of your name for your surname: sorry.' I'll look completely mental.
Phil
You can't apologise for a fart you did a day ago.
No, you're gonna have to apologise for the follow-up as well. 'Charlotte, that's an easier name.'
But it is! That's a fact, not a judgement!
(deleted scene)
Right, I'd better get on. Sometimes I think I never stop working.
Phil
You leave at 5:40!
Phil
Yes, Columbo?
The staff cuts. What do you know?
Phil
Ah, I see, that's what this whole chat's been about, has it, mental pickpocketing?
You see, you don't need to tell me: I'll just list off a few names. You do that girly flicky thing with your hair, OK?
Phil
Bye, Terri.
Was that it, was that code? Am I going?
Phil
No, I'm telling you to fuck off.
(deleted scene)
RRaj
What do you actually do?
(quiet laughter from the students)
I am the, er, Secretary of State for Social Affairs a-and Citizenship.
Phil
It's a bit like being the Lord Commander of the Night's Watch? Er, you watch Game of Thrones, yeah?
(the students laugh)
TTeacher
Hey, quiet now – quiet! Raj, that language is unacceptable, OK?
I'll say, you – you wouldn't use that kind of language in front of your extended family.
Students (shocked): Oh!
Oh my good God, I cannot believe childbirth is more painful than this.
(Glenn and Phil are alone in the DoSAC building.)
Yeah, well, we've got the whole palace to ourselves, eh? Rosencrantz and Guildenstern!
Phil
Yeah, but very much alive. Well, one of us.
Stewart (to party staff arriving at Thought Camp): OK people, abandon phones, all ye who enter here. And watches too: time is a leash on the dog of ideas.Stewart: OK lovely people, let's go truffling in the forest of knowledge.
(Fergus is bringing Tara Strachan, a strikingly beautiful economist, to DoSAC HQ.)
(to Tara) Here we are, at the Coalface. (to Adam) Ah. Adam, this is Tara Strachan.
(to Tara) Hello, lovely to meet you.
TSTara Strachan
Hi there.
Shall we, er...She's an economist...
(Fergus and Adam are quite happy to see Tara. Phil, on the other hand, is a little confused.)
Phil
What's going on? Who's the skirt?
Oh, I'd love to bring you up to speed, Phil. I really would, but I'm not gonna live long enough. So tell you what, why don't you go and help Glenn watch his telly? I think the dancing's on in a minute.
(to Tara) I really like your coat, by the way.
(quite flattered) Thank you. Thank you.
(Glenn is reporting the latest Tickel Watch news to Phil.)
There's a bit of a farce going on here with your Mr. Tickle. They've turned up to evict him and he's not there.
Phil
Good. Self-evicted. Gone. Problem solved. Anyway, what's going on with Fergus and Adam and the "Sexy Stranger?" She's some kind of economist, apparently.
Oh, don't be ridiculous, she's far too attractive.
Phil
You can get sexy economists. What about Stephanie Flanders on Newsnight?
Yeah, that's true. I quite like Emily Maitlis.
Phil
Really? Well, I'm sure she'd love a grey pounding.
(Phil's looking up Tara Strachan's bio on his cell phone.)
Phil
Here, uh, "Tara Strachan, LSE, Harvard, author of Strapped: Why We're in Debt to Each Other, Small is Bountiful, Expert in micro-financing and community credit guilds." God, that sounds dreary.
Bloody hell, that's all Fourth Sector stuff! I mean, why have they kept me out here like a stray dog?
Phil
And why are they keeping Mannion out of it? This is-this is government business!
(Phil suddenly realizes that Adam and Fergus are working on a policy behind Peter's back. Phil runs to Fergus's office.)
Phil
Right, that's enough. Stop, stop, stop! I demand an explanation.
Sorry, Phil, we're busy. Maybe come back in, I don't know, 2017?
Phil
As Peter's representative, it's as though you lied to him. That's not good, probably illegal.
If you want to see something probably illegal, pass me that fucking stapler over there!
Er, listen, is there a problem with me being here?
Phil
Yes, you're not supposed to be here, the minister is unaware that you're here, so I'm gonna have to ask you to leave.
Oh right, so she's a security risk? Oh no no no! I'd forgotten: you're not allowed within 50 feet of most women.
Phil
How do you explain this, then? (waves his arm in and out of Adam's personal space) I'm within 50 feet of you. Hahaha. You're a woman.
Oh, brilliant. That is really good.
(They stop bickering when they hear Glenn)
(offscreen) FUCK! TICKLE'S DEAD!
Phil
Oh shit...!
(Phil, Fergus and Adam run to the TV, where Glenn is watching BBC News)
Oh God, he's killed himself, suicide. He used a car exhaust.
Phil
Hey, classic: the Bohemian Rhapsody of suicide.
Oh, Phil, for fuck's sake!
(Adam doesn't like the way that Phil is handling the latest DoSAC crisis -- to say the least.)
It's like there's a little twelve-year-old boy, in a suit, with a fucking light saber in his desk - don't think I don't know it's there - running this department when Mannion's away...
Phil
Yeah, so what?
Phil
No it's not! No it's not! Have you ever seen Game of Thrones Season 2?
Phil
Or Anakin Skywalker, he was young. Frodo, in his thirties, still young for a hobbit. You know, I'm in charge, because I'm a Jedi and you're a fucking Ewok!
Right. What is the Ewok position on this, then?
(Fergus, Adam, Glenn and Phil are trying to get a handle on the news of Mr. Tickel's suicide.)
Phil
The line from Stewart via Emma was that I do nothing. That was the one clear instruction they gave me, okay? We ignore him and he goes away.
Phil
Which makes him easier to ignore.
As a minister, I should at least express condolences.
Phil
(stammering) That-that-that should come from Peter.
(Terri enters the room.)
Has anyone seen my Bluetooth headset?
Phil
Look, I speak for Peter and I say that we look guilty if we say we're sorry he died.
Listen, Phil. I was a journalist, okay? Now if you don't respond, you create a vacuum that sucks in speculation, and then you can't respond. You get sucked fucking inside-out!
Phil
Look, Tickle wasn't the Queen of People's Hearts, he was a twat in a tent.
TICK-EL! HE WAS CALLED TICK-EL! WE DROVE A MAN TO HIS DEATH! WE ARE RESPONSIBLE FOR THIS!
(Fergus and Adam FINALLY come back to see Tara to tell her the good news about launching the bank.)
Great stuff, Tara. We're gonna go ahead with the bank.
(surprised) Don't you need to talk to the Treasury?
Okay, Well, um, let's talk details. When it comes to interest rates, obviously you've got...
(jokingly) Well, hey, you know, don't talk us out of it. You don't wanna do that.
(smiling) So, is-is this the green light?
(An overjoyed Tara gives both Fergus and Adam a hug, much to their surprise!)
FAFergus & Adam
Thank you.
(to Tara, walking her to the elevator) Lovely to meet you, great.
(Phil is wondering what policy Fergus, Adam, and Tara have just launched...)
Phil
What have we just green-lit?
Well, we are starting a community bank with £2 billion.
Phil
Right, is that the £2 billion we keep in the biscuit tin?
This is just great. This is just fucking great. I hang around this moral abattoir to do something exactly like this and you shut me out?
So, I'm spending my bank holiday founding a bank? I thought the point about bank holidays is that they're supposed to be shut.
(Fergus is still talking to Tara while walking her to the elevator. They're still excited about the bank.)
You know, when we see something we like, we just buy it.
That's the way we work round here.
I hope the Tickel, um...situation is all okay.
Great. Lovely to meet you.
(As soon as the elevator Tara's traveling in closes, Fergus runs back to the offices and takes charge of the situation.)
Right! I'm in fucking charge! And I'm going Nordic drama! (to Adam) Adam, secure the economist. (to Phil) You, get Stewart and Mannion back here STAT!
Brilliant. Got that, guys? Yeah? Okay?
Phil
(calling out to Fergus) Sure. I'll-I'll do it your way for now, Fergus, but, uh, they left me in charge for a reason.
I bet you line up all your action figures on the edge of your bath, don't you?
Phil
1: I've got a shower. And 2: They're still in the boxes.
(Phil, sitting in Peter's office chair, has just left a voicemail for Emma.)
(entering): Have you got any of them yet?
Phil
No, everyone's ignoring me. It's like the first year of university all over again. Fuck it, the whole of university! (Peter's office phone rings.) Jesus. (answers) Hello? No, I can categorically say that Peter Mannion will not be resigning over this. Thank you. (hangs up)
Phil
World At One. I handled it.
You don't handle The World At One, Phil, they're not stolen goods. Now listen, if you want to go and play phones, you can go down to the crèche where there's a big phone with big boggly eyes that go round and round when you wheel it about. Now piddle off!
(Phil leaves. Terri sits down in Peter's chair.)
We've got to put something out there, Terri.
That boy is a simpleton. Two hundred years ago, they wouldn't have let him milk a cow. (phones a journalist) Jonty! Terri here over at Hectic House. (laughing) No! No, Peter's not resigning!
FPFemale party worker
Free apples! [throws ball]
MPMale party worker
Uh, free coffins. [throws ball]
Reduce the deficit with spending cuts.
EEEveryone except Stewart
Yes and ho!
Peter, Peter, I want to hear new ideas ricocheting off your synapses like a pinball, not just a two year old slogan.
Okay, Doctor Jazz, let's hear it. [throws ball]
We do away with computers.
EEEveryone except Peter
Yes and h-
You idiot! That's fucking mental!
No blocking, Peter, only counterpoint. Do away with computers, what do we think? How will it affect us? Good idea? Bad idea?
Good idea for me, I wouldn't get anymore of your fucking emails. [Peter gets up]
Try and stay cross-legged if you can, but don't break the circle...
I'm 54, Stewart. My knees are fucked and my patience is snapped. Some of us had to go through this hippie shit the first time around.
I'm not talking about trying to sell it to the electorate, Peter. I'm talking about exploring it within the free space of the circle.
Okay, give me the ball. Give me the ball! Give me the ball. (Peter tries to wrestle the ball away from Stewart)
Give me... give me the FUCKING ball, Stewart! [grabs the ball] Let's do away with you.
Filter's off, Daddy-o! Let it all hang out! Just suppose your free-range no-consequence bullshit was hugely entertaining when we were in opposition and shitting money, but now we're in government and it's all gone a bit J.G. Ballard, it's irrelevant and infantile!
Oh, and maybe the reason you don't mind handing your phone in is that it doesn't ring as much as it used to. Oh, sorry; doesn't ring as much as it used to, yes and ho.Glenn: Want the opinion of an old lag? Mannion will have to go.
Phil
Stick to 'policemen are getting younger', Glenn. Peter's going nowhere, and I don't mean that in a Glenn's career kind of way.
I've seen a lot of people resign, and they're always happier afterwards.
Phil
You're thinking of lobotomies. Peter resigns over my dead body.
Yes. Yes, that would be the ideal scenario.
(In the car back to DoSAC HQ from Thought Camp, Phil hands Peter a rainbow tie.)
What's that? I'm supposed to be commenting on a suicide, not a fucking camel race!
Phil
I thought it would balance out the bad news. You know, yin-yang. Jon Snow does it.
Stewart (on his phone): I want Tickle's movements over the last 24 hours, and I want his complete mental health records since he first sat on a potty.
Do you think you might need one or two computers for that, Stewart?
(on her phone) Yeah, okay, well, we're going to try and dredge up some firefighting strategy. Yeah, yeah. Absolutely. I'll top-load you as soon as we arrive. Yeah, thanks, okay. All right, bye.
(Peter is struggling to put his suit jacket on with his seatbelt on.)
Can I, can I take the seatbelt off?
(to Peter) No, Peter. (Emma then sees Stewart tapping his head nervously.) Stewart, what are you doing?
It-It helps with the car sickness.
This is great, isn't it, Stewart? A conference on crisis management that's been scuppered by an actual fucking crisis.
Phil
We don't even know why he killed himself yet. I mean, suicide, it's pathetic! At least take some of your enemies with you, that's a noble death.
This is going completely nuts, so many questions being asked!
Yes, starting with "Why did Phil bring a tie from the '90s?"
Phil
Yeah, don't panic, I brought an alternative. (shows Peter a black tie)
But that's too far the other way!
It makes him look guilty.
Phil
How can he be guilty? He's got the perfect alibi, he was at boot camp.
Brilliant, let's release that, hey? 'There's no actual blood on his hands and he remembered to wipe the fingerprints off the knife!'
Phil (showing Peter his tie): Look, you can wear my tie, what about mine?
Phil
Tintin moon rockets.
(to Phil) God, it amazes me you ever found your way out of your mother's womb!
The Thick Of It · 395 quotes
