Peter Mannion quotes from The Thick Of It

Glenn

Well, that's a nice tan you haven't quite managed to get there, Peter.

Peter

Oh yes of course, that's very funny, because of the shitstorm you created about my second holiday. I had to cancel my second holiday. I see what you did there, you should be in stand-up.

Phil

Glenn Elton. 'Yes indeed, ladies and gentlemen!'

Peter

Sorry about the puffin.

Peter

"We call it the Common Sense Checklist, Richard. We need to cut red tape. We were talking about that at the Oval the other day, weren't we, Richard?"

Phil

(loving it) That's just the sound of wickets falling.

Phil

Stewart.

Peter

(sarcastically) Stewart? Oh, good. I wonder what Mr. Political Correctness Gone Boring wants...

Phil

(answering his cell phone) Hi, Stewart.

Stewart

Look, a little note for Peter, yeah? Tell him to dump the common sense checklist. Yeah, it's an ex-list. The new world order is this: Hit the city hard, yeah? It's "Reverse Gekko." Greed is bad, money is awful. "I Heart Tracy Chapman," yeah?

Phil

(to Peter) He wants you to scrap the common sense checklist and hit the city hard over the bonuses, call them all money-grabbing wankers.

Peter

Phil. (Peter quietly pulls Phil aside.) Some of my best friends are money-grabbing wankers. And I've got to give a speech to a roomful of them tomorrow at the CBI lunch. I'm not gonna say, "Hello, chums, I've just taken a slash in the soup." So, no, the answer's no.

Phil

Stewart, um, Peter's not going to want to do that.

Stewart

No, I don't want him to want to do it, Phil. I just want him to do it.

Phil

(to Peter) Stewart says it's a JB diktat, you have to do it.

Peter

Tell him to stick a goose up his arse.

Coming up shortly, we've got what could be a rather fiery showdown between two political heavyweights. After trading blows in the dailies, it's now time for them to meet face to face. So, it gives me great pleasure to introduce Nicola Murray...

Nicola

Hello.

Richard

...Secretary of State for the Department of Social Affairs and Citizenship. (Richard gives Nicola the 'OK.')

Nicola

Hello, again. I got it right that time. I managed to come in at the right time.

Richard

Hello, and from the shadow cabinet, the right honourable Peter Mannion MP.

Peter

Hi, Richard. Good to see you again.

Phil

(in the control room) THE MANNIONATOR!

Richard

(to Peter) Good to see you again as well. Uh, listen, guys, first of all...

Terri

(to Phil) How old are you?

Richard

Either of you got any piercings? Any tattoos?

Peter

Uh, I've got an appendix scar, does that count?

Richard

Classic!

Peter

Well, you know how it is. Out with a bunch of pals, got a bit tipsy, rolled into casualty, yeah. Hey, we all got it done.

Phil

Yeah! In your face, bitch!

Richard

That's very funny. Nicola Murray, any piercings?

Nicola

Um...Uh, no...

Terri

Yes, you do.

Nicola

No piercings at all, no.

Terri

You have got some piercings.

Richard

Okay, all right.

Nicola

Uh, sorry, no piercings at all, no.

Nicola

Um, some people say that my distinguishing feature would be probably my ears, which I'm told are quite small.

Richard

Right.

Nicola

But I do think we have to be a little bit careful about taking too light an approach to culturally sensitive issues, like body piercing or female circumcision...Uh, earrings! Earrings. I've got pierced ears.

Richard

Let's leave that there.

Malcolm

(listening to Nicola on the radio) Fuck me, this is like a clown running across a minefield!

Nicola

What we would be looking for is getting people to inspire each other out of poverty, out of disadvantage.

Richard

(somewhat cynically) How can you be inspired out of poverty?

Nicola

Well, I'm choosing to ignore your rather cynical tone...

Richard

I'm not being cynical, Nicola Murray. It's a perfectly legitimate question. How can you be inspired out of poverty?

Nicola

Okay, you are being cynical, but anyway, we'll park that. Um, one of our initiatives is to designate certain people as fourth sector pathfinders. Now they would be pillars of a normal community.

Richard

Are you talking about "have-a-go heroes," for example?

Nicola

No, we're talking about everyday heroes.

Richard

I assume you'd want to avoid Charles Bronson-style vigilantes?

Nicola

(chuckling) Oh, yes. Yes, we don't, we don't want Charles Bronson. More, more, Charles, uh...Dance.

Richard

Okay.

Peter

Or Chaplin, yeah?

Peter

It seems to me what I call a "political meringue." Uh...sweet but, uh, lightweight and very little substance.

Phil

(clapping) He's like bloody Ustinov, isn't he?

Terri

Uh, it's just such an old joke. Can you just please get out?

Janice

(to both Phil AND Terri) Yeah. Okay, right. Can you just both fucking get out of the studio now? You and fucking Rupert Brooke, just out!

Richard

I know exactly what you mean. The other day, the BBC sent me on a Health & Safety away day, where they taught me how to carry a cup of coffee.

Peter

(laughing) This, this is exactly what I mean. That makes no sense. That's nonsense, and uh... and we need to say no to the nanny state, uh, "boo" to nanny, and claw back some personal responsibility in the name of common sense.

Richard

We need to...Hang on, we need to say boo to nanny?

Peter

Yeah, it's just a play on Jools Holland's Hootenanny. (stuttering) I-I, I didn't write it, it's not...

Richard

Right.

Peter

But, you know...Hey nanny no.

Richard

Right.

Nicola

...when you yourself where actually in cabinet. We have tried repeatedly to initiate legislation which will outlaw these bonuses. Now, your party has persistently blocked those attempts.

Richard

I think it's an interesting point. What do you say, Peter Mannion, to the accusation that these huge bonuses and the offense that they cause are the fault of your party?

Peter

I think that's a completely fatuous argument when Nicola's party has been in government for what seems like about a century, and bonuses under their watch have increased...What? Five fold? Oh, dear! Come on, Nicola. Pull your finger out.

Nicola

Okay, fine. So you personally would like to see more done to hit the fat cats?

Richard

(to Peter) Is that what you're saying?

Peter

(stammering) Well, yes-yes. I...I would. If the person receiving the bonus hasn't performed well...

Richard

Can I, can I simplify that? Let me simplify this. Would you outlaw bonuses?

Peter

(still stuttering) In the case of them being undeserved, yes...

Nicola

Which the bulk of them are, so basically you're saying the bulk of your friends in the city are disgusting.

Peter

(confused) No, no, no. Yes, yes, but only if the bonuses they receive are unfair.

Richard

I think, well, I think we've got -- It's alright. I think we've got your point. Uh, thank you. Let's move on.

Richard

James Henderson, what's your point?

Peter

Is that Jim Henderson from Clifton?

Richard

(surprised) You two know each other?

Peter

We've met. We know each other.

(talking to Peter on the phone line) We've met! Yes, we have met. I'm surprised to hear you turning on the city boys. Um, you never found the JFU donating huge wodges of cash to your party disgusting.

Peter

Well, that's a separate issue...

(continuing) Even though everyone knows they've got links with sweatshops.

Richard

Wow!

Peter

What?

Richard

Well, that's quite an extraordinary allegation, very serious.

Malcolm

(still in his office) YES!

Richard

...links to sweatshops?

Peter

That should be looked into, but...

Malcolm

Oh, it's my birthday!

Peter

...I don't know the facts.

I've just told you the facts! Are you calling me a liar?

Janice

I can't believe my ears, did we just break a story that wasn't 'the Ipswich manager just got sacked'?

Nicola

Great! Good! Yes! I'm cooking now.

Glenn

Cooking with gas!

Nicola

I'm fucking Delia Smith! I'm cracking eggs, I'm pouring in baking powder, I'm using fucking vanilla extract. It's great!

Peter

That was not good. That was the opposite of good.

Phil

Bad.

Peter

How do I counter? Have you heard of JFU?

Phil

I didn't actually hear that bit, so I don't know.

Peter

You couldn't hear? CHRIST! You're...(Chuckling, looking at Nicola and Glenn outside) Sorry, it's just...

Peter

(to Phil) You're here to hear, Phil. Why do you think you're here? You're HERE to HEAR! You're not here for eye candy!

Phil

Look, it's not my fault. It was very noisy in here. Ollie and Emma were splitting up at the time, and I couldn't really focus...

Peter

Emma? Emma? Why is Emma here?

Phil

Stewart sent her down here.

Peter

(looking at Phil's trousers) Why have you got wet trousers?

Phil

Ollie threw coffee at me.

Peter

I'm sorry. I seemed to have wandered into some 1970s Ray Cooney farce. Is the vicar about to come around with Brian Rix and Robin Askwith?

Janice

Right, back in. Headphones on ears, arses on chairs.

Richard

Peter Mannion, can you explain, please, why your party spin doctor has arrived entirely announced?

Peter

I would say it was an indication of how seriously our party is taking the allegations that we were...

Stewart

Don't say it again!

Peter

...receiving donations from...

Richard

From a sweatshop labour company.

Malcolm

(to Stewart) Ooh! Did you prep him with this shit, yeah?

Stewart

Yeah, yeah, yeah. The last thing I said to him was go in there and bomb.

Malcolm

(chuckling) Well, it fucking worked. Usually, he comes across like, you know, just another third-rate Donald Sinden. But tonight, he's like a ventriloquist's dummy that's fucking falling to bits.

Stewart

Yeah, it's really nice to see you without those veins in your temples throbbing.

Malcolm

'Cause you have really got your work cut out with him, haven't you? Look at the hair. You've got to do something. He's like fucking Swiss Toni.

Stewart

Yeah. Well, this is radio, Malcolm, but it's great to be getting this straight from you. Thanks.

Janice

Look, do you guys have to make so much noise?

Malcolm

(to Janice) I don't know if they told you this on your training day, love, but this is fucking soundproofed, that, they can't hear you. I mean, we're like Ted Moult to them.

Janice

Look, can you please get out?

Malcolm

No. Actually, we -- we are entitled to be in here. That lot, they should all be in here. All the political advisors should be in here.

Phil

You just start off about how great the City used to be, then how it's not so great now, and then end with a joke. It's the classic shit sandwich, you know: bread, shit, bread!

Peter

Phil, if anyone bites into a shit sandwich, they don't say, 'Mmm, bread!', they say, 'Oh fuck, I've got a mouthful of shit! (Janice the producer shoves him into the studio) You mental bastard! Why have you filled my sandwich with shi–'

Peter

End of an era!

Emma

Yeah, a really shit era though, isn't it?

Phil

(cheering) WHOO!

Emma

(to Phil) Oh, f-- Calm down!

Phil

Balrog's dead! I mean, that's it. I mean, they're done. I mean, no one can replace him. It's like when Queen lost Freddie. You know. Certainly not Paul Rodgers.

Stewart

All right, everyone. That's the two seconds of respect due to him. Now get back to your desks and do something, okay? (to a female worker) Not the sofa! Who are you, Lorraine Kelly? Get out here and do something! If you've nothing to do, leave, because you're clearly surplus to requirements!

Stewart

All right now, listen up, my children of a lesser god, you will find a file marked 'Snap Election Drill' on the J drive. And if you don't know how to access the J drive, hand your pass in at reception, go and buy some silver body paint, and pretend to be a robot on the South Bank. Fly my pretties, fly!

Phil

Stewart! Stewart, The Fucker's downstairs.

Stewart

No, no, no. He's not downstairs, but if he were, I'd know about it, and if I knew about it, I would have vetoed it. Okay?

Emma

He is, and he is complete poison.

Peter

Ah, The Fucker! (to Stewart) And you thought he was just a myth created to frighten naughty MPs into eating all their truffles and swan.

Stewart

Watch my lips. Cal Richards is not here.

Stewart

Cal!

Hello.

Stewart

Hi.

Cal

Hi, Stewart.

Stewart

Good to see you. I didn't know about this. JB didn't say anything.

Cal

Hello, everyone. I just wanted it to be a surprise.

Stewart

Yeah, why are you...why are you here?

Cal

Well, mate, I just thought I'd check in with the intellectual powerhouse of the party. That's all. That's why I'm here.

Stewart

Right. Well, if you want to step in the office, yeah, I'll dismiss the children and we can talk.

Cal

No. 'Cause I'm kidding, aren't I? No, because I've come here to tell you that you're fucking sacked.

Peter

(thrilled) Halle-bloody-lujah!

Phil

Should I escort Stewart from the building, then, Cal?

Emma

Philip, Don't be such a fucking turncoat.

Cal

Yes, Philip, excellent idea. And while you're there, could you do me another favour, please? Could you find a hostel, go there, and take a fucking overdose of barbiturates?

Stewart

Yeah, right. Okay, well, I'm not fired. You can't fire me, Cal, so shall we just cut to the chase? Hmm?

Cal

(pretending to talk like a baby) "Aw, you can't fire me, Cal, 'cause you're..." Gotcha! I'm kidding. Of course you're not fired. Look at your face.

Stewart

(smiling, but not amused) Funny.

Peter

I'm sensing a change in management styles here from touchy-feely to smashy-testes.

Cal

No, okay, joking aside, I'm just an impartial observer. Quite partial, obviously. So, uh, take it away, Captain Mainwaring.

Stewart

(to the crowd) All right, folks, listen up. We have three key targets when we are smart-bombing our beloved PM and they are: The deficit, unemployment, lack of leadership. Get onto the J drive, you'll find key...

Cal

FUCK, THAT IS BRILLIANT!! THAT IS INSPIRED! WHAT SAUCE! GET IN! IT'S THE ECONOMY, STEWPOT! Fuck, what I REALLY need to do is to shoot you all in the back of the head! (imitating a gun) FUCK! FUCK! FUCK! FUCK! But I can't, because it's illegal!

Cal

Okay, I'd like a small cappuccino, two extra shots, please. I think we've got a long night ahead of us. (to Stewart) Come on!

Stewart

(to Cal) I'm coming. (to Peter) Better the devil you know, huh?

Cal

(to an anonymous Opposition member of staff) Stop saying "Abingdon" to me, I want a fucking chocolate biscuit!

Peter

Yeah, for the first time in a decade, I can feel the old dog twitching to life.

Peter

The old dog I was referring to was me.

Peter

No, of course I know it's our anniversary. What do you think the card was for? (Peter's wife said something to him.) I left it on the kitchen table.

Peter

Oh, right. My bad, as they say.

Terri

You're a very tidy man, aren't you?

Phil

'There's no happiness without order.' It's a Nazi quote, but nonetheless stands the test of time.

Peter

(still on his cell phone with his wife.) Well, I can't leave before my Coalition partner. Fergus, I told you. (And now, poor Peter's cranky.) Well, I say partner. He's Lewis, I'm Morse.