(Nicola is in the bathroom -- on her cell phone, though. She's having a chat with Terri, who's driving her car while talking to Nicola.)
NicolaTerri, hi, it's me.
(on the phone, happily) Hi, Nicola!
Nicola
Have you read up about this Peter Mannion second holiday thing on the Dig Deep blog?
No, no, I haven't actually seen that. Where's he off to?
Nicola
Amalfi. So could you make a few phone calls? See if you can get it some press traction?
I'm sorry, I just can't do that. That's a party political matter. You're gonna have to get John Duggan onto that, 'cause it's his responsibility.
Nicola
Trouble is, Terri, that the only thing John Duggan is doing here is depriving a village somewhere of a twat.
Ah, yes, I've heard he's about as useless as a chocolate teapot. Although I probably shouldn't say that, sounds a bit racist, doesn't it?
Nicola
Where are you, Terri?
I'm ju-just on the way down to Hastings to see my sister. Poor thing, having some trouble shifting a piano. So what I'm doing is I'm working from home today.
Nicola
No, you're not working and you're not at home, so as my 16-year old would say, "You are totally busted."
(And make no mistake -- Terri is totally busted! She exhales, knowing Nicola has caught her in a lie.)
(In this scene, Nicola and Ollie are working on her upcoming speech.)
Nicola
OK, right, what have we got on the workplace gym reward scheme?
Er, fighting obesity is one of the biggest challenges we face, sleepwalking into a crisis, ticking time bomb –
Nicola
You write almost entirely in generic meaningless buzzwords, don't you?
I could take it more street, if you prefer – 'You is all proper bloaters and it is well gay, biatch' – but, you know, this is the language –
Nicola
No, but, you know – I just don't want to come across all nanny-state and sort of – 'Death by Chocolate is not a funny name for a pudding, it's a real and genuine concern', you know, I don't want to give the press another opportunity to see me as Mrs. Sour Power Vinegar Tits sucking on a lemon.
Fine, I understand, so we'll sugar-coat it.
Nicola
Well, leaven it, ideally, with a couple of jokes.
Yeah, all right, no problemo.
(Nicola then gives Ollie a "Well?" look.)
Nicola
Yeah.
OK, how about: 'We want people to be fit, not fit to burst'?
Nicola
I'm gonna have to go down the slapstick route, aren't I? Do the speech straight, but dressed as Freddie Starr's Hitler.
(In this scene, Nicola meets face-to-face with Julie Price, the "People's Champion" for today's Party Conference.)
Nicola
(to Julie, warmly) Thank you so much for joining us. What you're doing is really important.
JPJulie Price
(jokingly) Well, hi, I'm your regional photo opportunity for the day.
Nicola
(laughing) That's--That's not...That's not the way it is. I hope you appreciate that.
JJulie
(smiling) I was just kidding.
Nicola
(happily) Oh, good, and that's what we need in this room right now!
(to Nicola) Um, Julie's written a speech.
Nicola
(surprised) Oh, right, for today?
Nicola
What's that about, then?
JJulie
Well, basically, I start by kind of doing a tribute to me husband, Jason.
Nicola
Uh-huh.
JJulie
And then, we'll move on to the campaign. (Julie sits down) Um, we'll get to the middle section, and I just really want to tell everyone how we're trying to take that bastard to court, you know.
Nicola
You'll get that opportunity.
JJulie
Me and 6 women, whose husbands have died, we're trying our best to do him. But you know what that bastard did?
JJulie
He sent everyone off the site and he changed the equipment, you know. He changed it to the actual, proper legal equipment. So, obviously, we've got no proof.
Nicola
(saddened) Yeah. What a-What a bastard. What a-What a bastard.
(Poor Julie's worked herself up...)
JJulie
And -- Oh, God, I'm sweating like a fat lass.
Nicola
(concerned) Are you-I mean, maybe this isn't a great room for you to be in. We've got to write some stupid jokes about a rich bloke on a yacht.
I mean, that's so trivial...
JJulie
I've got more to tell you.
Nicola
Yeah, I want to hear it. I want to hear it.
JJulie
(getting up to leave) There's not -- Just a couple of pages.
Nicola
Yeah, let's-we'll knock off this stuff, and then I'm with you.
Nicola
Ollie's a lovely guy. He'll look after you.
(Nicola and Glenn are in her room trying to write her speech...)
"So, joking aside..." Of course, we haven't fucking got those yet.
Nicola
I know.
Whatever they are, right...
(When all of a sudden, Ollie re-enters the room.)
(anxious as hell) Right, right.
"It's now my great pleasure -- " (to Ollie) We're just doing the...
No no no, listen. Um -- listen!
You know when something, well, something bad, but you know when something bad happens and you think it's not as bad as...
Nicola
What's happened?
Malcolm's commandeered Julie for the PM's speech. We bumped into each other and he...
What do you mean he's commandeered her? You're supposed to be looking after her, for fuck's sake!
Nicola
No, no, no, no, no, he hasn't. No.
(to Ollie) We can't even fucking trust you to babysit!
(getting defensive) You don't just say no!
What part of "no" don't you understand?
Babysitting isn't a fucking...
(Nicola starts pounding and stomping on a pillow -- pretending that the pillow is Malcolm!)
Nicola
MALCOLM! FUCKING -- FUCK MALCOLM! FUCK MALCOLM! FUCK MALCOLM! FUCK MALCOLM! FUCK MALCOLM!
Well, um, that was my, uh, initial reaction as well.
Nicola
Yes, yes I know. Thank you, thank you, FUCK OFF! Thank you!
Right, yes. What do you want us to do?
(Nicola pushes Glenn and Ollie out of the way and runs to the bathroom.)
(to Nicola) Do you want your Rescue Remedy?
Nicola
No, fuck off! (Nicola takes a few deep breaths...) Get me some ketamine. I want to separate my mind from my body.
Jesus Christ, poor Nicola. I'm going to go and talk to the bastard.
(to Glenn, sarcastically) Yeah, that's right, rip your shirt off! Go on, Braveheart! FREEDOM!
Now that you've lost Geordie Julie, the merry fucking widow, you've got a hole in your speech. Right, so have we got a contingency for that?
Nicola
Yeah, we'll figure it out, thank you.
Well look, why don't I help you? Let's roll some tits up the flagpole, and see if anyone gets wood!
Nicola
Oh Christ, it's like being trapped in a fucking boys' toilet. (beat) Right, all we've got is Mannion's second holiday, we need to take the piss out of that.
OK, how about, er, "He's called Peter 'Two Holidays' Mannion"?
Um, 'He's, um – works really hard – at planning his holidays'?
(unimpressed) That's really fucking quality fucking explosive sarcasm you're lobbing at them, mate. Boom.
(to Nicola) I feel I'm in a therapy group being run by my own rapist.
Right, okay, well, how about...
(Suddenly, everybody's cell phones are ringing...)
Oh my God...it's got out.
No, really? I thought it was room service cold-calling.
Who the fuck is leaking this out there? (to Ollie) Find out who's pissing this over the wall.
Yeah, w-well, the thing about the Internet, Malcolm, is it's quite big...
I don't know what he looks like. I don't...
(to Nicola) You need to get your people's champion out of this hotel before some tabloid minge-flannel starts soft-soaping her.
Nicola
So we've got her back again now. Is that right?
Don't be so fucking touchy about this! I've a lot to fucking deal with here!
Nicola
(sarcastically) MY responsibility again NOW! Doesn't matter about the speech. That's fine, Malcolm.
Yeah, it does fucking matter!
(Nicola then slams the bathroom door.)
Women, huh? Women slam the door, where did this idea come from, huh? (bangs on the bathroom door) WILMAAA! Fuck off!
Nicola
(from inside the bathroom) I'm making a phone call.
Make a phone call! Phone a fucking friend!
(Nicola makes her phone call to...Terri.)
(answering in a sing-song voice) Hello?
Nicola
Terri, it's-it's Nicola again. We're at DEFCON 1. Or-Or 5, or whichever the really bad one is.
(looking out her car window) You stupid pillock! Oh, boy racers.
Nicola
(getting desperate) Terri, can you harness that anger and bring it down to Eastbourne, please? I desperately need you to come down and help me.
(replying to Nicola) The problem is this party political problem, because I'm a civil servant and I cannot possibly be seen to have anything to do with a party conference.
Nicola
(begging) Terri, please, I'm standing in a factory that makes fans, right? And a-a man has walked in with a giant shit-spraying machine, and you happen to be bunking off work and not very far away, so I need you here!
(reluctantly giving in) Listen, I've got a cagoule in the back and I could come incognito with the hood up, if that's gonna help you out.
Nicola
(looking at her speech) 'Government department – The gov–' Oh, fuck, fuck, fuck! How can I learn this when you're still writing it? I feel sick!
No, it's exciting, it's good, it's really good. In fact, I would say: the fact that you're hearing it for the first time when you say it will possibly give it a freshness and a zing, you know –
Nicola
You think?
Yes, you know, this is politics as it is, isn't it? It's The West Wing!
Nicola
You're not Josh, Ollie, just write the fucking speech.
Nicola
Come on Nicola, pull yourself together.
(to himself) I fucking am Josh.
Nicola
Nicola Murray can do this, come on!
Wow, did you just refer to yourself in the second and third person? 'Cause they're both –
Nicola
Write the fucking speech!
Right, OK, yes, I'm just slightly distracted by all the Nicola Murrays in the room!
(deleted scene)
Er, no, I've gotta wait for Glenn to bring Julie what's-her-face back from the toilet so I can give her the tour.
Glenn has taken her to Nicola's toilet. It's like being back at college, isn't it, you know, Freshers' Week, it's just as busy, isn't it, you know –
Nicola
Stop talking.
Oh dear, that's bad, Glenn and a woman in a toilet. 'Hello Julie. Would you like to see the Minister's room? (John starts laughing) It's very cosy, isn't it, just right for a little kissy-kissy? Maybe some tickle-me tickle-me? (mimes undoing his flies) Have you met my little friend, old blind Bob?' (turns round to find that Glenn and Julie Price have returned) Just an impression of my friend, old blind Bob.
Listen, right, I'm not being really horrible, but are you actually autistic?
No; but you'd be surprised how many people ask me that.
(deleted scene)
Because I'm gonna invite some hacks up here. I'm gonna give them some drinks, and I'm gonna show them what good mates we are, huh?
Yes, we do have to do it! And I want you to be telling some really fucking amusing anecdotes about our long weekend in Prague.
(to Ollie) He's gonna hit me again, isn't he? I don't mind being hit, it's just the making up afterwards that scares me shitless.
(deleted scene)
Nicola
Terri, I really need you to come down here and help me. All I've got here, right, is a psycho man, a bleeding man and a sarky teenager. It's like some fucking logic problem: 'How do I get the chickens across the river? How do I get the fucking chickens across the river?'
(deleted scene)
See, this is the problem with the modern age, the blogosphere, and it is a fear, it's everywhere, we call it the i-Zilla. No one can tame the Beast of Blogmin.
What the fuck are you talking about? Make a deal with these bloggers. Threaten them! It's your fucking job, isn't it?
Malcolm, that is not how the internet works; it's a world-wide, you know, web, that's where that comes from.
Look: I need you to find the incy-wincy fucking spider, take your rolled-up wank mag and fucking squash the fucker, right, can you do that?
Malcolm, I've got a lot on. (Malcolm glares at him) Not a problem. That's a Duggan promise.
(deleted scene)
Ollie (looking out of the window onto the car park): You've got to see this, come here. Glenn is putting on his retrosexual moves.
Nicola
No!
Nicola (looking out of the window): Who is she?
I dunno, but she's smashed, if she is a she. I think I can see her madam's apple there.
Nicola
Maybe they're just talking.
Nicola and Ollie (seeing them kiss): Oh!
That's horrific. This is like the worst porn film ever. This is like the porn film where the woman rings for a special adviser to give her an overview of the last five years of social policy and they end up fucking.
(both laugh)
Nicola: The Porn Ultimatum.
(Nicola arrives at Malcolm's office)
Hi Nicola, thanks very much for coming over. Can I get you something?
Nicola
Actually, you haven't got any whisky, have you?
Whisky, yeah. Hasn't been touched for a while; still got Anthony Eden's lipstick on the bottle.
Listen, Nicky, this - it's a war, right? It's a fucking war. Now, you can't change a thing unless you win the war, and you cannot win the war unless you're prepared to fight.
Nicola
That's what this all about for you, isn't it? It's just about fighting and fucking... power. Does it never occur to you that your poisonous male obsession with conflict, which is making people despise politics? And by the way, don't ever fucking call me Nicky!
Spare me your fucking psycho-fanny, right? What do you think fucking Mannion's doing right now? Michael Aspel's cooler, fucking younger brother? I'll tell you what he's doing. He's sitting around with his pals, you know what they're doing? They're telling very fucking nasty jokes about your family! They're playing fucking pin the cock on the fucking donkey's face with your face there, 'cause you're the fucking donkey, right? So you should just fucking count your blessings! Ella's not been excluded. That's what you wanted, right? Yes?
Nicola
Yeah, I really wanted Ella to be able to stay at a shit school, the only redeeming feature of which was the headmaster who, thanks to me, has now been forced out.
Yeah, well... maybe... maybe in a term or so, you know, we might understand if you... very quietly decided to move her.
Nicola
Really?
Nicola
(composing herself) Good. Good. OK, so it's Mannion. What do we do? I mean, do we go after him with one of your, you know, things that you say, like a big bum-dildo of vengeance or something?
There you go, that's my girl, yeah! Indiana Murray and the Bum-Dildo of Vengeance, I like it.(deleted scene)
(arriving at the DoSAC building)
This is mint. It's like the fall of Troy but with visitor's passes instead of a wooden horse.
Peter (quoting Tennyson's Ulysses): 'It may be that the gulfs will wash us down, / It may be we shall touch the Happy Isles / And see the great Achilles, whom we knew.'
Do you fancy a cup of tea?
Er, yes, you got anything herbal?
OK, yeah. (walking off, to herself) Something perfumed and essentially gay. (sees Phil) Oh, speak of the devil. Whoa, you look like you've shat yourself.
I had a close encounter with Malcolm Tucker. (Emma laughs) It's not funny, he's like some horrible character from an Ian Rankin novel.
I don't know. It's a bit of a blur to be honest, I just kind of ran out of the building. I just kept walking, I ended up in Greenwich.
I think I was following the river, I wanted to get to the sea.(deleted scene)
Do you channel all your passions into pie charts, Stewart? I don't even think you're excited about winning. I bet when you orgasm, you just put a little tick on a chart next to your bed.
(Nicola is discussing what she's going to say about her Fourth Sector Initiative on Richard Bacon's radio show with Terri and Glenn.)
Nicola
Fourth sector, people power. Inspiring each other out of disadvantage.
And you need to put in the liking words as well, not just the headlines.
Nicola
I am going to talk in complete sentences.
I think you should rehearse with those headlines.
Nicola
Okay, how about "I believe in people power. Will you fuck off, Terri?" Is that okay?
(Peter Mannion and Nicola Murray are now in the studio with Richard Bacon. Phil, Terri and Glenn are in the control room.)
RBRichard Bacon
Coming up shortly, we've got what could be a rather fiery showdown between two political heavyweights. After trading blows in the dailies, it's now time for them to meet face to face. So, it gives me great pleasure to introduce Nicola Murray...
Nicola
Hello.
(Richard gives Nicola a polite 'please wait' hand gesture.)
...Secretary of State for the Department of Social Affairs and Citizenship. (Richard gives Nicola the 'OK.')
Nicola
Hello, again. I got it right that time. I managed to come in at the right time.
Hello, and from the shadow cabinet, the right honourable Peter Mannion MP.
Hi, Richard. Good to see you again.
(in the control room) THE MANNIONATOR!
(to Peter) Good to see you again as well. Uh, listen, guys, first of all...
(to Phil) How old are you?
The Thick Of It · 395 quotes
