Either of you got any piercings? Any tattoos?
Uh, I've got an appendix scar, does that count?
Well, you know how it is. Out with a bunch of pals, got a bit tipsy, rolled into casualty, yeah. Hey, we all got it done.
Yeah! In your face, bitch!
That's very funny. Nicola Murray, any piercings?
NicolaUm...Uh, no...
Nicola
No piercings at all, no.
You have got some piercings.
Nicola
Uh, sorry, no piercings at all, no.
(All the while, Glenn is trying to remind Nicola about her pierced ears.)
Nicola
Um, some people say that my distinguishing feature would be probably my ears, which I'm told are quite small.
Nicola
But I do think we have to be a little bit careful about taking too light an approach to culturally sensitive issues, like body piercing or female circumcision...Uh, earrings! Earrings. I've got pierced ears.
(listening to Nicola on the radio) Fuck me, this is like a clown running across a minefield!
(Nicola is now talking about her Fourth Sector Initiative.)
Nicola
What we would be looking for is getting people to inspire each other out of poverty, out of disadvantage.
(somewhat cynically) How can you be inspired out of poverty?
Nicola
Well, I'm choosing to ignore your rather cynical tone...
I'm not being cynical, Nicola Murray. It's a perfectly legitimate question. How can you be inspired out of poverty?
Nicola
Okay, you are being cynical, but anyway, we'll park that. Um, one of our initiatives is to designate certain people as fourth sector pathfinders. Now they would be pillars of a normal community.
Are you talking about "have-a-go heroes," for example?
Nicola
No, we're talking about everyday heroes.
I assume you'd want to avoid Charles Bronson-style vigilantes?
Nicola
(chuckling) Oh, yes. Yes, we don't, we don't want Charles Bronson. More, more, Charles, uh...Dance.
(Nicola is accusing Peter and his party of blocking initiatives that would allow bonuses to the so-called "fat cats.")
Nicola
...when you yourself where actually in cabinet. We have tried repeatedly to initiate legislation which will outlaw these bonuses. Now, your party has persistently blocked those attempts.
I think it's an interesting point. What do you say, Peter Mannion, to the accusation that these huge bonuses and the offense that they cause are the fault of your party?
I think that's a completely fatuous argument when Nicola's party has been in government for what seems like about a century, and bonuses under their watch have increased...What? Five fold? Oh, dear! Come on, Nicola. Pull your finger out.
Nicola
Okay, fine. So you personally would like to see more done to hit the fat cats?
(to Peter) Is that what you're saying?
(stammering) Well, yes-yes. I...I would. If the person receiving the bonus hasn't performed well...
Can I, can I simplify that? Let me simplify this. Would you outlaw bonuses?
(still stuttering) In the case of them being undeserved, yes...
Nicola
Which the bulk of them are, so basically you're saying the bulk of your friends in the city are disgusting.
(confused) No, no, no. Yes, yes, but only if the bonuses they receive are unfair.
I think, well, I think we've got -- It's alright. I think we've got your point. Uh, thank you. Let's move on.
(Nicola and Glenn are celebrating just outside the green room.)
Nicola
Great! Good! Yes! I'm cooking now.
Nicola
I'm fucking Delia Smith! I'm cracking eggs, I'm pouring in baking powder, I'm using fucking vanilla extract. It's great!
(Peter is in the green room with Phil, trying to recover from his stumbles on 5 Live.)
That was not good. That was the opposite of good.
How do I counter? Have you heard of JFU?
I didn't actually hear that bit, so I don't know.
You couldn't hear? CHRIST! You're...(Chuckling, looking at Nicola and Glenn outside) Sorry, it's just...
(Peter is now very upset with Phil, to say the least.)
(to Phil) You're here to hear, Phil. Why do you think you're here? You're HERE to HEAR! You're not here for eye candy!
Look, it's not my fault. It was very noisy in here. Ollie and Emma were splitting up at the time, and I couldn't really focus...
Emma? Emma? Why is Emma here?
Stewart sent her down here.
(looking at Phil's trousers) Why have you got wet trousers?
Ollie threw coffee at me.
I'm sorry. I seemed to have wandered into some 1970s Ray Cooney farce. Is the vicar about to come around with Brian Rix and Robin Askwith?
Right, back in. Headphones on ears, arses on chairs.
Nicola
(seeing Stewart enter the control room) How perfect. Who should walk in...
(to Janice) I'm Stewart Pearson, yeah? See the fat man that you're berating like he's a piñata? Well, I own him.
Peter Mannion, that's a fascinating development –
Peter (seeing Malcolm arrive): Oh! And as we speak, who should come rolling along the corridor but Malcolm Tucker, the man who was once referred to as the Gorbals Goebbels...
Oh, don't do a joke. Peter, don't do a...
(This is the opening scene of this episode.)
Morning, Ollie. How's your head? Like a bat shat in it at all?
No, I am, if anything, Glenn, I am hung-under. First DoSAC party under the new regime, you lasted 'til, I'd say, seven?
Yeah, well, I do have a life, Ollie.
Yes, but only in the way that, you know, jellyfish or athlete's foot have a life. What was it last night, then? Candlelit annivorcery dinner for one?
(Terri enters the scene carrying a large plant.)
Hello. (Ollie's curious...) Terri, what actually are you up to? Are you still drunk?
No, I had to get in early anyway, because this BBC man's coming.
(Ollie notices that Terri's wearing trainers!)
Are you wearing trainers? You ARE wearing trainers!
(laughing) If Signal toothpaste made trainers, that's what they'd look like.
Well, I don't see there's any...
(pointing at Terri's trainers) This-This color for healthy breath...
(Nicola enters the scene, and she's...a little hungover.)
Nicola
Morning, morning.
(Terri helps Nicola by taking her suitcase.)
Nicola
Thank you very much.
Would you like me to take your coffee?
Nicola
Oh, no. I'm clinging on to that for dear life, I tell you.
Well, it will dehydrate you.
Nicola
Good-o.
Mojito Murray, they now call her. You know, they had to install speed bumps at the bar. She's like Gazza at Euro '96.
(Ollie mimics somebody getting drunk.)
Nicola
I really love the division of labour in this place. I like the way the women do the heavy lifting and the men do the heavy sarcasm.
(to Nicola) Would you like some help with your makeup?
Nicola
Um...I'm wearing makeup.
(The conversation shifts to Nicola's upcoming interview, regarding the launch of her Fourth Sector Initiative.)
Nicola
So this interview, who's coming?
Nicola
Okay. Who? Nick Robinson?
Not Nick. He's away with the PM on the World Tour. No, it's um, it's Gavin.
Nicola
Gavin Esler?
Nicola
Who the hell is Gavin Boyes?
Well, he's up and coming.
Nicola
I'm launching the Fourth Sector Initiative. It's the centerpiece of my political career. I don't want to do it with some fucking Newsround press packer.
(looking at his computer) It says here on Google that Gavin Boyes is the state wrestling champion for West Virginia.
Nicola
(to Terri) The launch tonight, Terri, how many journos have we got coming?
We've got confirmed four.
NONicola, Ollie & Glenn
(in disbelief) FOUR?
Nicola
This is not something that we are ashamed of! We're not launching a new leper colony!
Okay, no problem. I'm just gonna go down and collect Gavin and his boys...
(Malcolm has to restart the conversation with Nicola and Terri in Nicola's office.)
(to Terri) Terri, I fucking e-mailed you and I told you to move it to later, because I wanted to administer a preparatory fucking verbal cosh. Right?
And there it is. (Malcolm is looking at the e-mail on his cell phone.) It didn't fuck -- It didn't fucking send!
There you go. You just owe me an apology, that's all.
Nicola
That's the one.
That wasn't an apology. That was a "pardon?" I'm sorry.
Nicola
(to Malcolm) Why aren't you on the Tom tour, by the way?
Yeah, I heard Steve Fleming was on the tour. Hmm. Big beast.
Tiny fucking rodent, more like. He's part of the larger problem.
Nicola
Which is?
(to Nicola) Have you been at Number 10 lately? Jesus, it's like the break-up of the Beatles, right? During the fall of the Roman Empire, while fucking Jordan's getting divorced from that bloke. All happening at the same time in a tiny fucking terraced house, yeah? Anyway, this interview, right?
Nicola
Mmm-hmm.
Nicola
(stuttering) It-It-It's a small...
(At this moment, Terri's cell phone rings...)
(to Malcolm) Sorry, Malcolm. Can I? Sorry.
(While Terri leaves Nicola's office to take the call, Nicola continues talking to Malcolm.)
Nicola
(to Malcolm) They wanted to talk Tom, and, uh, I said that he was the best man for the job.
Yeah, well, so what? I mean, it's the BBC. It's not fucking Spare Rib, is it?
Nicola
I-I thought it might sound like I thought I was the best woman for the job.
Listen, Nicola, no offense, but you're not leadership material, yeah? I mean, fucking curtain material in that outfit, but you know.
(to Nicola) Right, um, the BBC have put it on the website. You saying that the PM's the best man for the job.
Nicola
Shit.
Yeah, and they're saying that you fired the starter pistol on a new leadership bid.
(watching a video on a computer) I've got it on here.
(Sure enough, a video of Nicola's interview with Gavin Boyes is playing on the BBC website.)
Nicola
(on the video) I mean, yes. Absolutely. At some point, I would love there to be a female leader. But I believe that the current Prime Minister is absolutely the best man for the job.
Nicola
(to Terri) No! I said "person" and you went "huh" over it!
(to Nicola) It wasn't on a microphone...
(again to Nicola) It is fucking bad. (to Terri) Terri. get on to the BBC, fucking nuke them. Nuke them and rebuke them.
Terri; Yep, got it.
Nicola
Malcolm, maybe we're making matters worse. We're making them think we've got a live one. I just think we're overreacting.
No no no no no. We nip this in the fucking knackers now, okay?
(smiling) It's been, uh, a wonderful experience here. I think I'll leave you all to it. My work here is done.
(to Ben) Whoa whoa whoa whoa no no no no. You're staying here, mate.
(objecting) I'm not staying here. You haven't even got biscuits here.
You stay here, right? The situation's fucking febrile.
(Ben is puzzled by the word "febrile.")
You don't fucking know what febrile means.
No you don't. It-It means there are gonna be hysterical journalists, right? Watching every fucking move we make. So I want you unplugged from the mains until the danger's past.
(calling out from Nicola's office) Right, there's-there's a few journalists out there already.
(to Ben) See? See, there you are. It's a fucking feeding frenzy.
Yeah? Well, not in here, it's not.
(again to Ben) Don't panic, Orca. We'll get sandwiches, okay? (to Ollie) How many are there there?
Right. Eight constitutes a lockdown.
(And so, Malcolm leaves Nicola's office to lock DoSAC down.)
Right, people, listen up! It's a fucking lockdown! Right now!
Nicola
Oh, come off it! We're not in a prison drama, are we?
(to Nicola) We are in a prison drama and this is the fucking Shawshank Redemption, right? But with more tunnelling through shit and no fucking redemption. (back to the crowd) Right, people, nobody move, right? Nobody move, nobody gets fucking truncheoned in the face. This is a lockdown, right? What that means is this office is now an isolation unit. Do not use the phones. No fucking emails. (to Glenn, who's still on his cell phone) No phones, Glenn. Come on.
(ending his phone call) I-I've got to go. Bye.
Nicola
Are you emailing? Are you stirring this up? Is that why you came into DoSAC today: did you have a big bucket of shit and a whisk?
Nicola
What are you saying?
Just, you know, 'Joan Rivers wants to be the new Prime Minister. Have a look at this clip of her online, staking her bid.'
Nicola
You treacherous shit.
Come on, it's not my fault you've dressed up like a dead geisha.
Nicola
Why are you doing this?
Because I'm bored, it's funny and – and I hate you. There you are, the holy trinity of why.
Nicola
Do you know, talking to you is like talking to a fucking whoopee cushion!
Two bits, actually. Um...
Enough. Can we all just shut the fuck up, okay? So we can gather our thoughts. So, one at a time. Private Godfrey, get to your station. (Glenn runs to his desk) I want to hear what the word is on the street.
All right, (reporting from his computer) 'Ben has been seen coming into DoSAC but not going out. Possibly Ben is her running mate as number two in a leadership bid.'
Hah! Right, I don't mind going out there now and telling them all face to face just how much I hate Nicola and how unlikely that is to happen, and get myself a sandwich, I'm fucking starving –
What did I just fucking say, what did I just fucking say? I said one at a fucking time. Stand up. (Ben does not stand) I'm telling you to fucking stand up, you sack of fucking cum! Stand the fuck up! (Ben stands) Fucking move, right. (Malcolm grabs a keyboard) See that? Fucking play with that, right? Never mind your fucking toys, play with that. (Malcolm hands Ben the keyboard and pushes him) Go and stand in that fucking corner. Stand over there, right? And do not move, or I will perform a fucking living fucking autopsy on you! With a fucking rusty spade, and I'll have your kidneys for fucking CUFFLINKS!
Nicola
That was utterly humiliating. For fuck's sake, Malcolm!
Shouldn't that be 'of fuck's sake'?
Nicola
I don't know what you're talking about.
May I just quote it to you? 'The Prime Minister is the right man for the moment.'
Nicola
Yeah. That's what you told me to say.
Of the moment, of the moment, I told you to say 'of the fucking moment': there's a huge difference between me saying to you, 'Nicola, I would like to go for a lovely walk with you', and 'Nicola, I would like to make a hat out of your fucking entrails!' (And then, Malcolm's cell phone rings. Again.) Excuse me.
(Who's on Malcolm's cell phone NOW?)
Steven. (beat) Yes, well you can tell Tom right now that I'm fucking sweating embryos for him, okay?
(Nicola's Fourth Sector Initiative launch speech has bombed...and that's not the only thing that's bombed)
Uh, sorry I missed it. Did it go well?
Nicola
Nope.
Well, uh, more good news. Um...I'm afraid my chances of becoming an MP have been torpedoed...by the U-boat that was you. The selection committee decided that my association with you was too divisive.
I'm devastated. I had 500 quid on you being the new Foreign Secretary.
Uh, it's a great loss to regional politics, for sure.
(to Nicola) By flying so close to your bright Sun like Icarus, I have crashed to the Earth and died.
(At the start of this episode, Nicola and her team are getting ready to launch DoSAC's Healthy Choices Campaign. The scene starts with a delivery man delivering big bottles of water.)
(to the delivery man, chuckling) Oh, that's great. Don't know why we've ordered so much water. We've all got rabies.
Nicola
(on her cell phone) So, basically, just get crisps shaped like rockets, rainbow-colored ice cream, you know the stuff that all the other kids have at their parties.
(MORE big bottles of water!)
(surprised) Blimey! More? What are we doing? Opening a dolphinarium?
Nicola
(off her phone) Good. Sorted. So...Sorry about that. Where were we?
Beneficial Lifestyle Choices.
(happily) I've just landed Andy Murray.
Nicola
YAY! That's brilliant! Andy Murray?
I've definitely got Andy Murray!
Nicola
Andy Murray, the face of Healthy Choices.
(sarcastically) No, the fucking pianist.
Nicola
Nicola Murray NETS Andy Murray!
Well, we both netted him together.
Are you sure you want him?
Nicola
Uh, yeah!
Murray? (beat) Doesn't it sound like nepotism?
Nicola
(Not appreciating Terri's criticism) Like, in the way people think Russ and Diane Abbott are related?
And Bill Murray's her father?
Okay, I'll level with you. I don't like him.
Nicola
(annoyed) Who would you suggest then, Terri?
Pooey Paula? That's not healthy. Shitting in your own pants, that's definitely not a healthy image.
She could demonstrate how to do the Hop, Shit and Jump.
That is very unfair. It only happened once.
Once is all you need! Imagine if Bruce Forsyth, beginning of Strictly Come Dancing... (Ollie pretends to poop) "There we go!" You'd never hear the end of that. And quite rightly!
Nicola
Terri, can we move on from your hatred of Andy Murray, and can we start trailing a major DoSAC initiative? Now, don't give any details at this stage. Just say it's major TBA.
Nicola
To be announced.
Nicola
It's really self-defeating if I have to explain abbreviations to you.
Nicola
FFS.
(to Glenn and Ollie) What's FFS?
Nicola
(to Ollie) Oh, we're gonna need Malcolm clearance, Ollie. Okay? (to Glenn) Glenn, can you get rid of all this water as well? It looks like something out of fucking Doctor Who.
The Thick Of It · 395 quotes
