(Glenn Cullen is visiting Ollie Reeder in the hospital)
(to Glenn) So go on, then. How's life in Nazi HQ? Is it fun collaborating?
GlennOh, don't start all that again. I got into government by accident.
Speaking of which, how is Terri?
Glenn
She's entering her dog for Britain's Got Talent.
(Ollie lets out a big laugh)
Glenn
(to Ollie) Look, what's the matter with you anyway? Please tell me you're looking for a bone marrow donor and that I'm your only hope. The answer would be no, by the way.
Bad luck. No, it's an appendix out. Well, I hope it is. Since your lot took over the NHS, everything's a fucking adventure, isn't it?
Glenn
Look, all this is incredibly entertaining, Ollie. But you called me over in my lunch hour, and as you're fond of saying, I don't have many of them left.
So you know all this stuff with Mr. Tickle?
Glenn
Sad business.
Glenn
Yeah. Mr. Sad is actually very very sad about it.
Yes. Mr. Happy, on the other hand: fucking delighted!
Glenn
Yeah? Mr. Stoic's taking it on the chin.
Yes! Mr. Milk-it says we should probably stop this now.
Glenn
Okey doke.
Nicola (returning to her seat): Right, wee mission accomplished.
Actually, having an accurate wee into a moving train toilet would make a great round on The Cube with Phillip Schofield.Glenn (entering the toilet): Ollie, come on, this is my shittiest lunch break I've had since Stewart took us all out for sushi.
Patience, old man, and you can watch the fuckpuppet master at work now. (calls Ben) Ben Swain! Benign tumour, Bental illness!
Ol– Oliver Cyst, Olivetti – Spaghet– I don't really have time for chit-chat, Ollie.
Are you resigning, mate, are you dropping the R-bomb? Benola Gay? I'm not just, er, talking about the rumours.
Let's just say it is time to prepare the hidey-hole for Madame Hussein, her reign of error is over.
And out of interest, Ben, what would it take to stop you from resigning?
Why, what's Nicola offering?
All right. Shadow Chancellor.
(Ollie laughs. Glenn barely stops himself from doing so as well.)
Ah, you still got it, Benny.
I'm serious, stop fucking laughing.
All right, I'll call you back. (hangs up)
Glenn
This is a fucking joke! Ben Swain, Chancellor? He goes into debt every time he passes a sweet shop!
(Glenn, meanwhile, is in his office, trying to contact Ollie.)
Glenn (on the phone): Ollie, look, I'm feeling very exposed here. I've got my cock out, it's covered in breadcrumbs and the fucking pigeons are circling. Look, please, just-just ring me back.
(Suddenly, Fergus and Adam enter Glenn's office.)
Mr. Cullen. We would like you to leak -- (pretending to be a magician) Wow! This. (Adam shows Glenn a USB flash drive.) Don't worry, nothing major, just an email that puts a bit of distance between Fergus and the Tickle affair.
Glenn
What, I go from being a turnip to a leak? Still a fucking vegetable to you, though, eh?
You wanna bring Mannion down a peg or 12, don't you, Glenn?
Glenn
Yeah, of course I do. The up his arse Kensington Butcher.
(pointing to the USB flash drive) Well, this is the cyanide capsule we'd like you to break into his afternoon brandy.
This is it, Glenn. You're off the bench, back on the pitch to score the golden goal in extra time. Come on, mate!
(After some thought...)
Glenn
Fuck it. Why not? I'll do it.
(Fergus offers to shake Glenn's hand, but Glenn's still a bit, uh, sore...)
Glenn
I don't need to shake your hand.
All right. Touchy, but not feely.
Glenn
Just go. I'll just have a look at it.
(As they leave Glenn's office. Fergus and Adam give each other celebratory fist bumps.)
You are a brilliant bullshitter.
Yeah, well, two years doing press for npower, it never leaves you.
(Glenn sneaks into Terri's office to leak the email from her computer while nobody else is looking. But as he's getting ready to do the deed, Glenn's caught by -- who else? -- Terri.)
Glenn! (beat) What are you doing at my computer?
Glenn
I-I'm just doing Bradford & Bingley a favor. I'm bringing down Mannion by leaking an email.
A leak? C-Coming from my computer? No. No, get off, get off. (pointing to the computer) Take that...that, the whatever it is out of the...whatever it is. Take it. Out.
Glenn
No one will think it's you. Nobody leaks from their own computer. Look, you do this for me and I'll make sure that you get the full severance package, no questions asked, with full pension.
(tempted) And a lump sum?
Glenn
Yeah, I guess, yeah.
(whispering) The thing is, Glenn, I've got -- I've got my eye on a tea shop near Ludlow. Without a lump sum, no tea shop, no can do.
Glenn
Okay, right. This can go straight to Geoffrey at The Guardian.
Glenn
Right.
Glenn
What?
Please? Just your hand on mine and my hand on yours, just do it together. Like, erm...
Glenn
Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid.
Glenn
Not that I'm saying you're butch.
(And with that, Glenn and Terri lock hands on the computer mouse...)
GTGlenn & Terri
One, two, three...
(They click the mouse.)
Glenn
Just send the email.
Glenn
Oh, hey! Shouldn't you be in bed?
Shouldn't you not be here?! Whoa, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop! You can't go up there.
Glenn
No, I have to. I can't go back over there, it's like Alien vs. Predator!
Glenn
I want back in! Here!
Yes, everybody is... tremendously appreciative of what you've done. It was a noble sacrifice, but--
Glenn
What do you mean, "sacrifice"? I thought we had a deal! "Sacrifice" sounds very one-sided.
Yeah, well, "piss off" sounds one-sided, but there we go-- (Malcolm arrives and pushes him aside) Hey! M-Malcolm!
Why is he still here? Can you not perform a simple task? When there is a shit on your doorstep, you hose it off.
You don't try to talk it into leaving of its own volition.
Glenn
I got rid of Nicola for you, you owe me!
I owe you? Your act of treachery wiped the slate clean. Rudolf Hess's fucking senile older brother.
Glenn
Look, I know you think I screwed up, but I came here on my hands and knees, Malcolm.
You, my friend, you don't exist to me anymore, I can't even fucking hear you.
Glenn
Do you want me to beg? Is-Is that it? Because I -- Because I will.
Listen, Mary, Queen of fucking Shits: in the old days we would've just slit you up the middle like a fucking Cornish pasty, hanged your steaming entrails all around the Tower of fucking London! Catch you later, you fucking traitor! (turns to Sam, who has appeared on the stairs) Sam, what is it?
It's a call from Stewart Pearson.
(takes the phone from Sam) Stewart Pearson. (to Glenn) I'm the fucking wankers' lodestone today. (answers the phone, walking away) Stewart. Yes, the goatee-bearded guru-boy of Company B.
(Fergus and Adam are now going after Glenn.)
Hey! 2000 Year Old Man! Why the FUCK did you send the whole email?! Huh?! You were supposed to redact it, send the top email, not the whole fucking exchange! JESUS CHRIST ON A CRYSTAL METH BINGE!
Glenn
Terri and I sent what you gave me.
(in hysterical disbelief) Terri?! Why the fuc– THE ONLY REASON I'D EVER ASK TERRI FOR HELP IS TO SHOOT ME IF I EVER ASKED TERRI FOR HELP!
Glenn
Same reason you gave it to me: distance! TWO PEOPLE, TWICE THE DISTANCE!
BUT TERRI DOESN'T GIVE US ANY DISTANCE! TERRI GIVES ME A TWITCH, (points to his eye) RIGHT HERE! YEAH, LAUGH IT UP, GLENN, BUT I'VE GOT A TWITCH, CALLED TERRI!
(from behind a book shelf, voice cracking) I am actually here, you know!
Yeah, and that, in a nutshell, is the whole fucking problem!
(Fergus storms off, Adam follows.)
(singsong) Fuck you very much! (to the carers, who have witnessed the entire exchange) Five minutes, guys, yeah?
CThe Carers
(moaning) Thanks.
(quietly to Glenn) Glenn...what about my tea shop?
Glenn
(sarcastically) It got closed! There's been a murder!
(deleted scene)
(Malcolm wants Ollie to visit Nicola at her home)
Just go and stop her doing anything mental, right? Which, given that she thought she could be Prime Minister, the parameters for mental are about as wide as your mother's legs when the fleet's in town.
All right, if I'm doing this for you, can we have a bit more respect for my mother, please? Those sailors get lonely.
This is some of my best stuff, and it's being ignored.
Yeah, what does that tell you?
(deleted scene)
Glenn
But I came here on my hands and knees, Malcolm, I'm supplicating here; I'm a supplicant, Malcolm.
Well, unfortunately, that ship has sailed, hit a fucking iceberg, sunk, and Julian Fellowes has written a fucking shit drama about it.
(Baroness Sureka has successfully returned to the inquiry, and Glenn Cullen is ready to give his testimony.)
MHMatthew Hodge
Mr. Cullen. I wonder if I could start by taking you back to that time two years ago, you left Nicola Murray and you went to work for Fergus Williams.
Glenn
Yes, yes I did, that's right.
MHMatthew Hodge
And then you found yourself, um, in a coalition with the very party that you opposed. That must have been extremely distressing.
Glenn
Uh, no, not at all, as a matter of fact. I-I was very invigorated by the idea of, uh, trying to forge a new way in politics.
MHMatthew Hodge
Mmm-hmm, so all was rosy?
Glenn
Well, um -- I can't think of any negatives.
MHMatthew Hodge
No friction?
Glenn
No, the only "F" word was "Fun."
MHMatthew Hodge
Thank you, Mr. Cullen. Thank you.
Uh, Mr. Cullen, would you say there's a culture of leaking in the government?
Glenn
Yes, I would. Yes, leaking and lying.
To your knowledge, have any of your colleagues lied to this inquiry?
Glenn
Well, I mean, that's a bit like asking, you know, um -- "Does a cow drink milk?"
Glenn
Probably. But what I meant to say was, yes, um, my colleagues lie constantly. It's a...professional necessity.
BSBaroness Sureka
Have you ever leaked, Mr. Cullen?
Glenn
First of all, may I just say, uh, welcome back, Baroness Sureka. Big hugs. I'm sure I speak for everyone here when I say that we're all thinking of you...
BSBaroness Sureka
I'd rather you, um, swapped the ham-fisted flattery for actually answering my question, which was, "Have you ever leaked?"
Glenn
Right. No, it's a very simple question and it's got a very simple answer. No, I haven't.
MHMatthew Hodge
Um, you'll be aware of Ollie Reeder's testimony to the inquiry where he said that, uh, you were, in fact, responsible for the PFI leak.
Glenn
Yes I am. (Glenn quickly corrects himself.) By which I mean to say I am aware of, of that. But gosh, you've got to be careful what you say here, haven't you?
MHMatthew Hodge
You most certainly do, Mr. Cullen. Let's hope we're both up to it. Is there any truth at all to Mr. Reeder's accusations?
Glenn
Absolutely none whatsoever. He's talking out of hi -- Out of his other cheeks, if you...
MHMatthew Hodge
Why would Oliver Reeder suggest that you were behind the PFI email leak, then?
Glenn
I've absolutely no idea. It's very difficult for me to get into the mindset of somebody so entirely self-serving and, um...spiritually ugly. I mean, anyone who's been unfortunate enough to have come across Ollie Reeder will know that he is a genuinely...atrocious person.
MHMatthew Hodge
Do you believe Mr. Reeder was trying to cover himself, in that case?
Glenn
Well, I do believe he has the emotional tools for the task. Yes, certainly.
MHMatthew Hodge
Do you believe that Ollie Reeder was behind the leak?
Glenn
(after a long pause...) No. You see...a-a leak of this magnitude would require one essential item that Ollie lacks. And that's a spine. He is a man without a spine. He is a man-worm. He's a writhing mollusk without any strategies or convictions. He-he simply slimes his way into the nearest crack every night, and I would like to put on record that I apologize to this committee for being the man who brought him into the world of politics.
Glenn
Come out, everyone! Tally-ho, yoo-hoo! Come on, bring out your fucking dead! Right, everybody listen, I've got an announcement to make, erm...
What is it, you got an erection?
Glenn
No. I would like to tell you all that I'm resigning!
Glenn
No, you closeted Regency homosexual, that is not it. Morally, this department is in the gutter!
Thanks for the speech, Glenn, but we have work –
Glenn
(grabs a desktop lamp) YOU STAY AND TAKE YOUR PUNISHMENT! I will lamp you, with a lamp!
Glenn, you've gone a tiny bit psychotic, my love.
Glenn
(puts down the lamp) You, Fergus, when you asked me to join you, all you had was your principles, but over the last two years, you've bent like a human fucking palm tree, swaying to the guff of these six-toed born-to-rule pony-fuckers.
If you're gonna go, just go. Spare us this Peter Finch bullshit.
Glenn
Oh! Adam, you're waiting for your turn! Oh no! I remember, it's your turn right now!
Glenn
You are simply the most loathsome human being I have ever met.
Glenn
You were so well-suited at the Mail, it's a shame you came over here!
Hear, hear! (she and Phil clap)
Glenn
Do you know what? I hate you both: Tweedle-twat and Tweedle-prick! You contribute absolutely nothing to the world, so thank fucking God you have no power!
Er, we do actually, it's –
Glenn
No, you don't. And Peter: it's been dreadful. I hope your cock falls off. Phil, do you know what you are? You're like an eight-year-old trapped in a twelve-year-old's body.
(gleefully) This is great! Why isn't anyone filming this?
Glenn
And Emma.
Yeah, yeah, do Emma, do Emma!
Glenn
Yeah, Emma, I'm sorry, you're just a standard-issue insipid posh bitch. That's it! (Emma smiles and shrugs slightly) Terri? (takes a pair of scissors)
Glenn
I don't think I've ever met anyone quite so proud, and yet quite so useless. But I do have to thank you, (takes his pass and cuts it up) because I have managed to stay in shape, purely though the energy I spend in pitying you every day!
Glenn, you're just embarrassing yourself.
Glenn
Fuck you all up the wrong 'un! Ta ta! Bye bye! (leaves)
That was better than IMAX Inception.
Should we try and get him back?
Fuck, no. He's gone completely mental!
The Thick Of It · 395 quotes
