(Malcolm is in his office talking to someone on his cell phone.)
No, I don't give a fuck whose birthday it is, I'm going to enjoy myself here listening to this Murray-Mannion ding-dong on the radio. The fat cat story's breaking, so the opposition are gonna be sweating like Vegas Elvis on a squash court.
(Malcolm's personal assistant, Sam, comes into the office with a box.)
SSam
Happy Birthday, Malcolm.
Stop saying that, right? Just you go home. What is this? Don't...Is this my new anal beads?
(Malcolm looks at the box.)
Okay, this has been X-rayed, yeah? I'm not gonna get fucking, a present bomb in the face?
(Malcolm opens the box. It contains a cake which reads 'Happy Birthday C*nt.')
This could be from anybody. (He opens the accompanying card.) Ah, it's from the Prime Minister. This is fucking Tom's idea of a joke, yeah? And he wonders why we don't let him out in public.
(Malcolm is back from holiday in this scene, and he's having a warm and friendly chat with his loyal assistant, Sam.)
(happily) Good morning, good morning, good morning! I'm back! I'm sorry I left my sombrero at home, but here I am. What do you think of the tan, huh? What do you think of this shade? I call it "Custard Cancer." (Malcolm gets a delivery.) Oh, thank you very much.
I went to, um, Easter Island. I thought I'd spend my time there re-chiseling all the statues, so that they'd look like Westlife. How about a coffee?
SSam
Oh, I've sent you a link to Andy Murray's website. There's, uh, something you should see.
(While Sam leaves Malcolm's office to get him a cup of coffee, Malcolm reads about the big news on Andy Murray's website...)
Andy says, "Just agreed to lead the government's Healthy Choices campaign. Eat, live, be well." Fuck a Pot Noodle.
(Uh-oh...)
Sam, prepare my horse. I ride – to DoSAC!
Oh, hey! Shouldn't you be in bed?
Shouldn't you not be here?! Whoa, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop! You can't go up there.
No, I have to. I can't go back over there, it's like Alien vs. Predator!
Yes, everybody is... tremendously appreciative of what you've done. It was a noble sacrifice, but--
What do you mean, "sacrifice"? I thought we had a deal! "Sacrifice" sounds very one-sided.
Yeah, well, "piss off" sounds one-sided, but there we go-- (Malcolm arrives and pushes him aside) Hey! M-Malcolm!
Why is he still here? Can you not perform a simple task? When there is a shit on your doorstep, you hose it off.
You don't try to talk it into leaving of its own volition.
I got rid of Nicola for you, you owe me!
I owe you? Your act of treachery wiped the slate clean. Rudolf Hess's fucking senile older brother.
Look, I know you think I screwed up, but I came here on my hands and knees, Malcolm.
You, my friend, you don't exist to me anymore, I can't even fucking hear you.
Do you want me to beg? Is-Is that it? Because I -- Because I will.
Listen, Mary, Queen of fucking Shits: in the old days we would've just slit you up the middle like a fucking Cornish pasty, hanged your steaming entrails all around the Tower of fucking London! Catch you later, you fucking traitor! (turns to Sam, who has appeared on the stairs) Sam, what is it?
SSam
It's a call from Stewart Pearson.
(takes the phone from Sam) Stewart Pearson. (to Glenn) I'm the fucking wankers' lodestone today. (answers the phone, walking away) Stewart. Yes, the goatee-bearded guru-boy of Company B.
The Thick Of It · 395 quotes
