Simon Weir quotes from The Thick Of It

This is an inquiry into the death of Mr. Douglas Tickel. And the practice and culture of the dissemination of confidential information between political parties and the public media. Mr. Weir.

Simon Weir

Uh, thank you, Lord Goolding. Um, our first witness today is, uh, is Mr. Stewart Pearson.

Simon Weir

Would you say that there is a culture of bullying within DoSAC? If I could ask you first, Ms. Murdoch.

Robyn

Erm, I'd say there was a culture of bullying me at DoSAC.

Simon Weir

You've experienced bullying there?

Robyn

Well, you know, I see them all standing around, you know, chattering like squirrels on Red Bull, and when I ask them what they're talking about, they usually bark a tea order at me; or, you know, or call me, er, the blonde bombshite, if I can use that word, or some other horrible sweary thing.

Simon Weir

That's the form the bullying takes?

Robyn

And if you refuse to make your boss's tea, you know, they call you Mariella Shitstrop. Or Flouncy Sinatra, which doesn't even really work!

Mr. Cullen. I wonder if I could start by taking you back to that time two years ago, you left Nicola Murray and you went to work for Fergus Williams.

Glenn

Yes, yes I did, that's right.

And then you found yourself, um, in a coalition with the very party that you opposed. That must have been extremely distressing.

Glenn

Uh, no, not at all, as a matter of fact. I-I was very invigorated by the idea of, uh, trying to forge a new way in politics.

Mmm-hmm, so all was rosy?

Glenn

Well, um -- I can't think of any negatives.

No friction?

Glenn

No, the only "F" word was "Fun."

Thank you, Mr. Cullen. Thank you.

Simon Weir

Uh, Mr. Cullen, would you say there's a culture of leaking in the government?

Glenn

Yes, I would. Yes, leaking and lying.

Simon Weir

To your knowledge, have any of your colleagues lied to this inquiry?

Glenn

Well, I mean, that's a bit like asking, you know, um -- "Does a cow drink milk?"

Simon Weir

Does it?

Glenn

Probably. But what I meant to say was, yes, um, my colleagues lie constantly. It's a...professional necessity.

Have you ever leaked, Mr. Cullen?

Glenn

First of all, may I just say, uh, welcome back, Baroness Sureka. Big hugs. I'm sure I speak for everyone here when I say that we're all thinking of you...

I'd rather you, um, swapped the ham-fisted flattery for actually answering my question, which was, "Have you ever leaked?"

Glenn

Right. No, it's a very simple question and it's got a very simple answer. No, I haven't.

Um, you'll be aware of Ollie Reeder's testimony to the inquiry where he said that, uh, you were, in fact, responsible for the PFI leak.

Glenn

Yes I am. (Glenn quickly corrects himself.) By which I mean to say I am aware of, of that. But gosh, you've got to be careful what you say here, haven't you?

You most certainly do, Mr. Cullen. Let's hope we're both up to it. Is there any truth at all to Mr. Reeder's accusations?

Glenn

Absolutely none whatsoever. He's talking out of hi -- Out of his other cheeks, if you...

Why would Oliver Reeder suggest that you were behind the PFI email leak, then?

Glenn

I've absolutely no idea. It's very difficult for me to get into the mindset of somebody so entirely self-serving and, um...spiritually ugly. I mean, anyone who's been unfortunate enough to have come across Ollie Reeder will know that he is a genuinely...atrocious person.

Do you believe Mr. Reeder was trying to cover himself, in that case?

Glenn

Well, I do believe he has the emotional tools for the task. Yes, certainly.

Do you believe that Ollie Reeder was behind the leak?

Glenn

(after a long pause...) No. You see...a-a leak of this magnitude would require one essential item that Ollie lacks. And that's a spine. He is a man without a spine. He is a man-worm. He's a writhing mollusk without any strategies or convictions. He-he simply slimes his way into the nearest crack every night, and I would like to put on record that I apologize to this committee for being the man who brought him into the world of politics.