“Series 4, Episode 6”
In this episode: Simon Weir (3), Glenn Cullen (1), Fergus Williams (1), Robyn Murdoch (1)
(This is the opening scene of this episode. Welcome to the Goolding Inquiry.)
This is an inquiry into the death of Mr. Douglas Tickel. And the practice and culture of the dissemination of confidential information between political parties and the public media. Mr. Weir.
Uh, thank you, Lord Goolding. Um, our first witness today is, uh, is Mr. Stewart Pearson.
(Fergus Williams takes his turn giving testimony in front of the inquiry.)
(to Fergus) Did you see Mr. Malcolm Tucker's evidence earlier?
Uh, yeah, I-Uh, uh, I saw it out of the, out of the corner of my eye.
Would you like me to read what he said about you?
Uh, no, that's fine, that was the bit that I saw.
Embarrassing, I imagine?
(emabarrassed, but gathering himself) Uh, no, not at all. It was, um, almost, uh, flattering, yeah...uh, to get, uh, to get "Tuckered." It's a, it's a rite of passage in-in-in, in politics. Happens to all of us. It's, you know, it's like when you're in a Russian jail, you get your face tattooed.
Mr. Tucker mentioned meetings between you and the Leader of the Opposition. Did these take place?
(after a pause) They did, yes. Er, myself and, uh, Adam were part of a team who had very general, noncommittal discussions with, amongst others, Mr. Miller.
And you discussed a potential future coalition with his party and the removal of your own party leader, is that correct?
(taken aback) Sorry, could I possibly answer that question with another question? I mean, not that question I'm just asking, but a further question?
Go on.
You do realise that you're being spun here, you do see that?
Spun?
'Cause, you know, Malcolm Tucker's not your common or garden spin doctor, right? No, he's the-he's...he's the chief medical officer of spin – he is Spinoza, you see? So he, he didn't come here in order to answer your questions, he came here in order to get you to then ask his questions.
Yeah, right, Mr. Williams, I don't want you to answer a question with another question, I want you to answer it with an answer.
I mean, he's conducting you like, um – Goldie.
Did you talk to Mr. Miller about removing your party leader?
(in disbelief) Sorry, are you getting Tucker's questions sort of beamed straight into your brain?
(firmly) Mr. Williams.
(A short time later...)
Finally, um, on the subject of frustration, would you say it's difficult to steer policy ideas through your department?
(stumbling in his testimony) Uh, yes, there are, uh...blockages. Uh, there is one person in particular and, well, you know, I don't want to identify her -- or him, if she was a man. Uh, but this particular person, uh, is rather inept and has hampered a lot of our initiatives. And she, or her, or him is, um...very difficult to remove. And so she's a, he is a...they are a stubborn blockage, shall we say, like, you know, when you get hair and soap in a-in a-in a plughole with skin flakes.
(reassuring) Thank you. Thank you, Mr. Williams. That's, that's fine.
Sorry, can I just say...
We are very pressed for time, I'm afraid.
Yeah, but I really didn't want the last thing I said...
I'm sorry.
...to be "skin flakes."
Thank you.
Would you say that there is a culture of bullying within DoSAC? If I could ask you first, Ms. Murdoch.
Erm, I'd say there was a culture of bullying me at DoSAC.
You've experienced bullying there?
Well, you know, I see them all standing around, you know, chattering like squirrels on Red Bull, and when I ask them what they're talking about, they usually bark a tea order at me; or, you know, or call me, er, the blonde bombshite, if I can use that word, or some other horrible sweary thing.
That's the form the bullying takes?
And if you refuse to make your boss's tea, you know, they call you Mariella Shitstrop. Or Flouncy Sinatra, which doesn't even really work!
(Baroness Sureka has successfully returned to the inquiry, and Glenn Cullen is ready to give his testimony.)
Mr. Cullen. I wonder if I could start by taking you back to that time two years ago, you left Nicola Murray and you went to work for Fergus Williams.
Yes, yes I did, that's right.
And then you found yourself, um, in a coalition with the very party that you opposed. That must have been extremely distressing.
Uh, no, not at all, as a matter of fact. I-I was very invigorated by the idea of, uh, trying to forge a new way in politics.
Mmm-hmm, so all was rosy?
Well, um -- I can't think of any negatives.
No friction?
No, the only "F" word was "Fun."
Thank you, Mr. Cullen. Thank you.
Uh, Mr. Cullen, would you say there's a culture of leaking in the government?
Yes, I would. Yes, leaking and lying.
To your knowledge, have any of your colleagues lied to this inquiry?
Well, I mean, that's a bit like asking, you know, um -- "Does a cow drink milk?"
Does it?
Probably. But what I meant to say was, yes, um, my colleagues lie constantly. It's a...professional necessity.
Have you ever leaked, Mr. Cullen?
First of all, may I just say, uh, welcome back, Baroness Sureka. Big hugs. I'm sure I speak for everyone here when I say that we're all thinking of you...
I'd rather you, um, swapped the ham-fisted flattery for actually answering my question, which was, "Have you ever leaked?"
Right. No, it's a very simple question and it's got a very simple answer. No, I haven't.
Um, you'll be aware of Ollie Reeder's testimony to the inquiry where he said that, uh, you were, in fact, responsible for the PFI leak.
Yes I am. (Glenn quickly corrects himself.) By which I mean to say I am aware of, of that. But gosh, you've got to be careful what you say here, haven't you?
You most certainly do, Mr. Cullen. Let's hope we're both up to it. Is there any truth at all to Mr. Reeder's accusations?
Absolutely none whatsoever. He's talking out of hi -- Out of his other cheeks, if you...
Why would Oliver Reeder suggest that you were behind the PFI email leak, then?
I've absolutely no idea. It's very difficult for me to get into the mindset of somebody so entirely self-serving and, um...spiritually ugly. I mean, anyone who's been unfortunate enough to have come across Ollie Reeder will know that he is a genuinely...atrocious person.
Do you believe Mr. Reeder was trying to cover himself, in that case?
Well, I do believe he has the emotional tools for the task. Yes, certainly.
Do you believe that Ollie Reeder was behind the leak?
(after a long pause...) No. You see...a-a leak of this magnitude would require one essential item that Ollie lacks. And that's a spine. He is a man without a spine. He is a man-worm. He's a writhing mollusk without any strategies or convictions. He-he simply slimes his way into the nearest crack every night, and I would like to put on record that I apologize to this committee for being the man who brought him into the world of politics.
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