Ralph Cifaretto quotes from The Sopranos

Paulie Walnuts

I can't believe this!

Ralph Cifaretto

Why not? Last year, you believed a flyin' saucer was over East Rutherford.

Ralph Cifaretto

You need a lot right now, and I don't think there's anything I can do.

You can be there for me. You can comfort me.

Ralph Cifaretto

What about me? What do I get out of it?

There it is. Right there. What do you get! How 'bout yer every need taken care of sexually, everything. All yer shit! It's all about you, isn't it?!!!

Ralph Cifaretto

It's not all about me, but I mean...let's be realistic.

Let's be realistic?! What, you wanna leave me?

Ralph Cifaretto

(pause) yeah...

Then get the fuck out!!!

Ralph Cifaretto

It doesn't have to be like this.

How should it be, huh? How the fuck should it be?! (Ralph leaves)

Janice Soprano

How much money did you make today, slut?

Ralph Cifaretto

three hundred.

Janice Soprano

That's all bitch? Oh, I'm gonna put you back on the street ho, make you work that ass.

Ralph Cifaretto

Put me back on the street baby, yeah.

Janice Soprano

Work that ass you little cunt.

Ralph Cifaretto

You work it baby.

Janice Soprano

Mommy's little tramp. Mommy's little Whore. Pimp you out bitch.

Tony Soprano

Twenty years I've been friends with John. Now he's gotta go.

Christopher Moltisanti

All over a stupid joke.

Ralph Cifaretto

I was fuckin' around. Fer chrissakes, you never made a joke about Ginny Sack?

Silvio Dante

Not like that.

Tony Soprano

Of course not!

Ralph Cifaretto

Yeah, well fuck him and his high-fillutin' bullshit. Who does he think he is? Sir Walter Raleigh?

Ralph Cifaretto

You know what that crazy bitch was into?

Eugene Pontecorvo

What?

Vito Spatafore

What?

Ralph Cifaretto

She wanted to stick a dildo up my ass, make believe she was pimpin' me out. I told her get the fuck outta here.

Eugene Pontecorvo

Hehehe... (laughing)

Vito Spatafore

The fuck?! (laughing)

Ralph Cifaretto

Whole family's nuts.

Ralph Cifaretto

(on phone) Yeah. John, it's me.

Johnny Sack

(on phone) And?

Ralph Cifaretto

And I'm calling to tell you how appalled I am. I just got back. I talked to Tony. I love Ginny. I would never say anything like that.

Johnny Sack

That's not what I heard.

Ralph Cifaretto

From who John?

Johnny Sack

I don't betray confidences Ralphie. Denyin' you said it?

Ralph Cifaretto

Fuck yes, I'm denyin' I said it.

Johnny Sack

I don't believe you.

Ralph Cifaretto

Just...just tell me who said this. I'll put a bullet in their fuckin' eye.

Johnny Sack

You're a real weasel you know that?

Ralph Cifaretto

John, please. Look. Last year, when Tony and I had our, our thing, that misunderstanding, you were the voice of reason. You were the one that told me to apologize.

Johnny Sack

Oh, so you're apologizing?

Ralph Cifaretto

If that's what it takes.

Johnny Sack

Why would you apologize? I thought you didn't say it.

Ralph Cifaretto

I didn't say it.

Johnny Sack

You know somethin' Ralph, not only are you a thief, you're a lying fucking prick. I should've let Tony chop your head off a year ago.

Ralph Cifaretto

I like my drinks with extra olives. You should know how your regular customers like their drinks.

Adriana La Cerva

My regular customers are the ones who pay.

Besides, it's good luck.

Ralph Cifaretto

What?

It's good luck to step in horse shit. Ask any horse person.

It's true.

Ralph Cifaretto

Then why aren't you people walkin' around all day lookin' for piles o' horse shit to stomp around in?

It only works if it's an accident.

Ralph Cifaretto

Fuckin' sick, all o' yous. Fucko, where's the hose?

Ralph Cifaretto

(on phone) Mrs. Marianucci Gaultieri?

Ralph Cifaretto

Hi, this is Detective Mike Hunt, Beaver Falls, Pennsylvania police department. You have a son Peter Paul?

Oh, my God! What happened?

Ralph Cifaretto

He's alright, ma'am, but I'm afraid he's in a little trouble. We found him in a public men's room in Lafayette Park. I don't know how to put this delicately...he was sucking a cub scout's dick.

What? No, it's a mistake.

Ralph Cifaretto

Ma'am, I wish that was all, uh, but I'm afraid we had to have emergency surgery performed upon arrival at headquarters, after discovery of a small rodent in the rectal passage.

OH, MY GOD!

Ralph Cifaretto

A gerbil, ma'am. Uh, the county does not cover medical procedures deemed caused by criminal sexual activity. Section four, paragraph fifteen. We'll need an insurance number.

Oh, Madonn'! I have Blue Cross, Blue Shield. Is that all right?

Ralph Cifaretto

Ma...Ma'am, c-could you hold on for one second, I have the hospital on the other line. (Ralph hangs up and laughs)

Tony Soprano

Jesus Christ, you did it. You cooked that fuckin' horse alive.

Ralph Cifaretto

No, I did NOT! But so what?!

Tony Soprano

SO WHAT?!

Ralph Cifaretto

It was a FUCKIN' animal! A hundred grand a piece! My kid's in the fuckin' hospital! I don't hear you complainin' when I bring you a nice fat envelope. You don't give a shit where that comes from! [off his glare] Don't give me that look. It was a fuckin' horse! What are you, a vegetarian? You eat beef and sausage by the fuckin' cartload-

Ralph Cifaretto

Hadda be Paulie told Johnny...

Eugene Pontecorvo

You think so?

Ralph Cifaretto

He hates my success...thinkin' about that birthday dinner...who was there when I told the Ginny Sack joke?

Vito Spatafore

Not Paulie. I remember Albert sayin' he didn't get a gift.

Ralph Cifaretto

It was little Paulie, the witless fuckin' nephew. He told Paulie, Paulie tells Johnny. Fuckin' telephone game like high-school girls! Wanna play phone games? That party was the only time I ever mentioned Shamu's fat ass.

Tony Soprano

Where are we goin'?

Ralph Cifaretto

Drivin' you ta the job.