Tony Soprano quotes from The Sopranos

Well maybe I don't wanna live in a place where people use violence against children.

Tony Soprano

Violence? You're lucky I didn't put my shoe up your ass.

You see? Now that's abuse. I know what my rights are. I can call social services and they'll send a case worker.

Tony Soprano

Go ahead. He'll get the other shoe!

Tony Soprano

(about the absence of his childhood dog) Father told me he took him to live on a farm.

Bobby Baccilieri

That's what they always say. That same farm must have seventeen billion dogs on it. Dogshit up ta the rafters.

Johnny Sack

Tony gets one fifty. Twenty five percent comes from you, the other seventy five percent o' that comes from Hesh.

Phil Leotardo

Jesus Christ...that's like forty grand. You gotta be fuckin' kiddin' me, John.

Johnny Sack

Am I smilin'?

Phil Leotardo

You got some balls kid, I'll give you that much!

Tony Soprano

You'll give me what I tell you to give me!

Johnny Sack

Whoah Tony...

Silvio Dante

Take it easy...take it easy...

Tony Soprano

Fuck that! This ain't the seventies. And I'm not a kid.

Phil Leotardo

Relax, it's an expression.

Tony Soprano

Well, here's another expression. You got five days ta give me my money.

Tony Soprano

'Fritto misto baccala, couple of meatballs too...

Hugh DeAngelis

Hey, there he is!

Tony Soprano

Hey! Happy Birthday to you, got salsiccia for you!

Tony Blundetto

What's up?

Tony Soprano

Turns out somebody got a look at the guy that did Joe Peeps. All they got so far is he's got a bad limp.

Tony Blundetto

Huh...Long John Silver maybe?

Tony Soprano

Where the fuck do you get the balls? I am bendin' over backwards tryin' to stay neutral, payin' for fuckin' car seats and you're out there acting like a fuckin' free agent. Don't look at me like I'm a fuckin' jerkoff, 'cuz I'm sick of you leanin' on this cousin thing and that bad hijack like you can do whatever the fuck it is you wanna do 'cuz you went away that night and I didn't!

Tony Blundetto

You're the one who keeps bringin' that up, I'm fine with it. First of all for the record, I had nothin' to do with this.

Tony Soprano

Don't fuckin' lie to me!!

Tony Blundetto

Even if I was, would you really wanna know, that'd just be another problem for you with Johnny right?

Tony Soprano

Aight, look, I know you're not earnin' what you expected and you got the twins and Nancy...you're a capable guy. Your mother let it slip one time, you got an IQ of 158.

Tony Blundetto

She told you that?

Tony Soprano

It's the week you got tested, all the fuckin' nuns were ravin' about it.

Tony Blundetto

Lotta good it did me.

Tony Soprano

I had high hopes when you got out!

Tony Blundetto

Yeah...

Tony Soprano

Look a guy like you, brains, balls, if you'd fuckin' be straight with me I could use all that.

Tony Blundetto

Put me in, coach.

Tony Soprano

Aight, we got the casino on Bloomfield Avenue above the hardware store. Carlo's guy was runnin' it but he just got diagnosed with the Hodgkins.

Tony Blundetto

That's mine?

Tony Soprano

Yeah. Lotta fuckin' money there. And I'll see what I can do about gettin' you straightened out...openin' up the books for you, it's long overdue.

Tony Soprano

Peeps?! It's a fuckin' nickname! His family name is Pepperelli!

Silvio Dante

They're gonna redo it. Fuckin' Jason. He's dyslexic...

Tony Soprano

What's that got to do with it?

Tony Soprano

So, to what do I owe this pleasure?

Carmela Soprano

I don't know if you're gonna see it that way. I have asked you to lunch to tell you I'm filing for divorce.

Artie Bucco

I hope you brought your appetite...

Tony Soprano

Why don't you give us a minute. (Artie leaves the table) Well that's nice. Invite me to a public place so you can ambush me? You think I won't make a scene?

Carmela Soprano

Spare me your outrage, Tony. Accept the fact that I'm moving on with my life.

Tony Soprano

Moving on? That's what you were doing after the party last week?

Carmela Soprano

I think you and I both know that didn't change anything.

Tony Soprano

Well first of all we're Italian, we don't believe in divorce. We believe in the nuclear family.

Carmela Soprano

Are you listening to yourself? Despite your best efforts, I have an attorney who is going to aggressively pursue my custody of A.J. an also an equitable distribution of our assets.

Tony Soprano

Our assets?

Carmela Soprano

I am through trying to get you to provide beyond the minimum I need to live.

Tony Soprano

Oh so it's fuckin' money? That's all this is to you?

Carmela Soprano

After all we've been through is it so hard to own up to anything beyond that bullshit tax return?

Tony Soprano

Go stand over there, I'll call you when I'm ready.(Artie leaves again) You want money? How 'bout my forty grand you stole out of the bird feeder, that should be plenty, you're such an investment genius.

Carmela Soprano

You want this to get ugly Tony, because these guys live for that.

Tony Soprano

What, you think I don't? (gets up to leave, then comes back) The only reason you have anything is 'cause of my fuckin' sweat, and you knew every step of the way exactly how it works. But you walk around that fuckin' mansion and your five-hundred dollar shoes and your diamond rings, and you act like butter wouldn't melt in your mouth. And you don't want it to get ugly. Too late.

Carmela Soprano

I want what I am entitled to.

Tony Soprano

You're entitled to shit. (to Artie): She's ready to order.

Janice Soprano

That bitch is lucky I didn't kill her.

Tony Soprano

Well we all know that.

Tony Soprano

Carlo was told it was a go. If it didn't happen, how come nobody called?

Johnny Sack

A lotta things didn't happen that seem like they happen...your cousin didn't whack Joey, the Vespas never got into my hands.

Tony Soprano

You know douchebag, I realize I'm dreamin'.

Mikey Palmice

I got no opinion, one way or the other.

Tony Soprano

You know what I been thinkin' about lately? Charmaine Bucco.

Tony Blundetto

Nice set on her.

Tony Soprano

No, not like that. Well, maybe like that.

Tony Soprano

Where are we goin'?

Ralph Cifaretto

Drivin' you ta the job.

I suppose you blame it on your father when you're cryin' ta that shrink of yours.

Tony Soprano

No, more my mother.

Of course, even better.

Tony Soprano

Like Popeye says, I yam what I yam.

Carmela Soprano

Well I didn't marry a cartoon character.

Tony Soprano

First off, let me just say how sorry I am for you're loss. We all are.

Phil Leotardo

Take your fuckin' sorrys, and stick in your ass.

Tony Soprano

I could say nothing. Be a heartless prick.

Phil Leotardo

He tried to talk, he couldn't even say his last words. Anybody ever die in your arms, you cocksucker? A family member, somebody you love?

Tony Soprano

No.

Phil Leotardo

Well give it time. See if I can't make that happen for you.

Silvio Dante

Whoa whoa whoa...

Tony Soprano

Alright, that's enough.