Alright, gimme your phone, let me.
Tsk. She's probably got it on vibrate. She'll never feel it through those thighs. Wait, if I miss Beats FM while you're calling her, I'll never forgive you.
[…]
[Ringing Annie] Fancy letting it go this long without going to answerphone. Dozy f– Oh, hi. Um– […] Well yeah, obviously "we're talking now". […] Oh, I see, no, I'm not Sally, it's Robin. […] Well, how many Robins do you know? […] How many? Look, anyway, I'm down in the smoking room and no-one's got a light, so could you pop down with yours? […] Well, could you leave your appraisal for five minutes? I mean, tell them it's urgent? […] Oh right, I mean why doesn't that surprise me? You've never got any fags, why would you have a lighter!? […] No, Annie don't– No, don't start crying. D– Oh, bugger! She hung up!
Yeah, she's self, self, self.
That man. Out there. I think he's smoking.
[Jumping up to bang on the basement window] Hello, Mr. Smokey Man!
He'll never hear that, you've got to bat the hell out of it! Give us a leg up, Len.
Oh. [looking at Robin, then elsewhere] Uh, Barry, then. [Barry picks up her and she starts banging on the window]
No. Oi, cloth-ears! Are you deaf?
Oh, he might be. You shouldn't have a go at him for it.
No, I think he's whistling. The deaf can't whistle, can they?
Something might come in the final post.
You've already had a card.
I meant for you! I'm sick to death of you droning on.
It's alright for Mrs Smugs. She's already had a card, she's sorted. Some of us would like to feel loved!
Yeah, if you think a card from some wanker in accounts, telling me, in way too explicit detail, what he'd like to get up to with me and Beyoncé makes me feel loved, then you, missus, have got another thing coming.
I'd have been delighted to get a card like that...
I sometimes think all the people you have a real, over-powering obsession with… or even get to go on a proper date with, if you're lucky: All have a little aspect of the person you're gonna end up with.
You take certain qualities from different people that only come together in your perfect match. So your one true love will be made up of all the best bits, or at least the things you could actually put up with, from all your previous boyfriends [catches himself] Girlfriends! So all those disastrous relationships are kind of working towards a kind of Frankenstein's Partner.
I always thought Dracula was sexier. All that biting.
No, in terms of personality. So you get this one's ability to cook, as far as you can tell, from the one occasion they actually bothered to. The way that one would sometimes get a round in, rather than leaving you to foot the bill all night. Although looks can enter into it. I mean you could go out with someone for three whole weeks and wonder what the hell you're doing with them; why you put up with their mood swings and their droney voice and the fact that they wouldn't let you smoke in the flat but force you out onto the Fire Escapey bit in the middle of January! I mean, you think you're just staving off loneliness and boredom, where as you're actually going out with your future partners... ears.
No, I don't agree with that. [leaves]
[Janet is looking out the window at the pouring rain as Barry enters the room behind her]
Is this still about the suggestion box, Janet? Because, you know, if you didn't really want constructive advice, you should never have introduced it!
[Confused] I was talking about the rain. [Angrily] Although, I wanted suggestions for fun social events, not personal attacks!
Aww, did he have a go at your frumpy clothes?
No. He said my short temper and abrasive manner only serve to…
You try doing my job! See how many smiles you crack!
[Reading from the crossword] Unidentified flying object. 3 letters.
Yes. Unidentified flying object. 3 letters. I know it's not flying saucer…
No, it's UFO. That's the answer. Unidentified flying object, 3 letters. The answer's UFO.
But that's the same thing!
That's, more or less, how crosswords work.
D'you really think there is intelligent life out there somewhere?
As long as they're friendly, like E.T. or the ones that used to sell mashed potato.
Ooh, lots of sandwiches there, Barry!
You've made yourself too many!
GGordon
I think, with it being a rainy lunch hour, there might be one or two non-smokers stopping by here. Hey! I wonder who'll end up outnumbering who? [Miming flamboyantly] Smokers… or non-smokers? Cause there's me and Janet from the healthy brigade now, and you… you five puffers from the home side. But! Who'll be next, through the door!
GGordon
A smoker, or a non-smoker?
[Awkward pause when he realises Gordon is looking at him] Smoker.
GGordon
Ding! Bernie, who'll be next in?
GGordon
Does Barry smoke?
GGordon
Ding! Three votes for a smoker. Len?
I couldn't give a monkey's.
GGordon
Should I make it a non-smoker, just to spice things up?
You could make it a fucking crack addict for all I care!
No, Annie. There's only one L in it.
Oh! You might have let me finish spelling it.
But you weren't spelling it, you were spelling some made up word with too many L's in.
You haven't had her struggling to spell Faliraki all morning.
Actually Sally, it was thought for a while I might be dyslexic.
I did. Anyway, I know how to spell P.I.S.E.D, and that's what I'm gonna be! [spots box of cigarettes Lilian brought back from Greece] Ooh! Foreign ciggies?
Can I try one? [Robin passes her one]
[Looking through Lilian's holiday snaps] This looks quite the tacky affair. No wonder poor Tess had her jaw dislocated. That's why Keith insists we holiday in this country… don't get all the rowdiness.
Keith always says—and I've come to agree with him—that anything you can find abroad is right here on our doorstep.
Oh, yeah. Cause there's a pyramid out the end of my road, and the Leaning Tower of Pisa's by the roundabout.
Pyramids are nothing compared to Chatsworth House.
MMiranda
Is… this the smoking room?
No, love. We're all just wild free-thinkers who won't respect authority.
MMiranda
So the smoking room is–
Here. This is the smoking room.
[Grinning lecherously] Take a pew. Come and join us.
Tell us all about yourself.
I better go and find Clint. [holds up pictorial evidence of Miranda photocopying her own head] Get him to fix the photocopier.
MMiranda
[childishly] Oops. [Barry chuckles awkwardly] Cor, it's a bit grim in here, isn't it?
It used to be quite oppressive, but they painted it not so long back.
MMiranda
What an icky colour to chose, this murky yellow.
With a hint of a tint. They did tell us what shade it was. Oh, what was it, Barry?
[Staring at Miranda's legs] Cream explosion.
Oh, this frigging machine! Press for coffee and it's given me… mushroom soup… oh, but they got the sugar right!
Do you two know each other?
MMiranda
Yeah! So, where you working these days?
MMiranda
Oh… yeah… You look so different.
[To Annie] Come on, missus. We don't need a trip down memory lane with these two. [They get up to leave]
So, how do you two know each other?
MMiranda
We were at school together.
She was my girlfriend. [Sally and Annie immediately turn around to sit back down again]
