BarrySo, Janet. Why am I only possibly going to get this promotion?
Well there's the interview to get through first.
Barry
Yes, but that's just a formality.
Barry
Ha. They're not going to give the job to Malcolm, are they?
Alchy-Malchy? Congratulations Barry! It's in the bag.
I think it was very brave of Malcolm to admit he's an alcoholic.
What choice did he have? He was sprawled over reception in a pool of his own vomit! With a traffic cone on his head. And he'd shat himself!
How cheated would you feel? You've spent your days slaving away for these fuckers, working your fingers to the bone, and when you get some time back to yourself, you go and drop dead in Asda's frozen food isle.
Barry
He didn't die in Asda!? That's where I shop!
The fatality rate must be pretty low though, Barry.
He was just leaning down to fetch a tub of Carte D'or when the whole of his left side went stiff. Poor Pat thought they'd had the freezers up too high, but no… fatal stroke.
Still, if people would observe the company rule about not opening attachments.
You don't always know they're not work related. I opened one this morning from a client. It was the filthiest thing I've ever clapped eyes on!
Was it the woman with the donkey?
Barry
I think you'll find it was a mule.
I can understand the animal enjoying itself, but what could that dirty bitch get out of it?
Barry
Well, from what I saw, lockjaw.
I can't get it out me head.
Barry
That's probably what she was thinking.
Yeah, um, this is the thing, actually, Sharon. I've heard it can be quite dangerous. I've heard that your testicles—if you have them—can become quite inflamed if they, you know, get caught in the crossfire.
Barry
You'll want to check that out, Sharon. You don't want another lawsuit on your hands.
Barry, let's not have the saga of your broken thumb, again.
Is that true, about your knackers?
Yeah, it's happened to loads of people.
Right? Janet? You can put my name down on that list.
It's what we could do more of in this company: team spirit.
And I'll tell you someone else who's name you can put down there: Clint. [points finger gun] Pew! Pew! [blows on finger gun]
And whatever fucker signed my name up for it.
Yeah, and snap-happy Ranjit. There's a paintball with his name on it, too.
Oh, well, if we're all chipping in, put that Gordon Evans down from upstairs.
What's he ever done to you?
No, no. The paintballing is meant to be a bonding exercise to boost morale. I'm not having it abused by people just out to enjoy themselves!
Did you not consider all this, Janet?
It is not going to turn into one big grudge match! There is going to have to be a serious rethink!
I sometimes think all the people you have a real, over-powering obsession with… or even get to go on a proper date with, if you're lucky: All have a little aspect of the person you're gonna end up with.
You take certain qualities from different people that only come together in your perfect match. So your one true love will be made up of all the best bits, or at least the things you could actually put up with, from all your previous boyfriends [catches himself] Girlfriends! So all those disastrous relationships are kind of working towards a kind of Frankenstein's Partner.
I always thought Dracula was sexier. All that biting.
No, in terms of personality. So you get this one's ability to cook, as far as you can tell, from the one occasion they actually bothered to. The way that one would sometimes get a round in, rather than leaving you to foot the bill all night. Although looks can enter into it. I mean you could go out with someone for three whole weeks and wonder what the hell you're doing with them; why you put up with their mood swings and their droney voice and the fact that they wouldn't let you smoke in the flat but force you out onto the Fire Escapey bit in the middle of January! I mean, you think you're just staving off loneliness and boredom, where as you're actually going out with your future partners... ears.
Barry
No, I don't agree with that. [leaves]
[Janet is looking out the window at the pouring rain as Barry enters the room behind her]
Barry
Is this still about the suggestion box, Janet? Because, you know, if you didn't really want constructive advice, you should never have introduced it!
[Confused] I was talking about the rain. [Angrily] Although, I wanted suggestions for fun social events, not personal attacks!
Aww, did he have a go at your frumpy clothes?
No. He said my short temper and abrasive manner only serve to…
Barry
Alienate people.
You try doing my job! See how many smiles you crack!
Barry
[Reading from the crossword] Unidentified flying object. 3 letters.
Barry
Yes. 3 letters.
Barry
Yes. Unidentified flying object. 3 letters. I know it's not flying saucer…
No, it's UFO. That's the answer. Unidentified flying object, 3 letters. The answer's UFO.
Barry
But that's the same thing!
That's, more or less, how crosswords work.
Barry
D'you really think there is intelligent life out there somewhere?
Barry
As long as they're friendly, like E.T. or the ones that used to sell mashed potato.
Ooh, lots of sandwiches there, Barry!
Barry
Yes!
You've made yourself too many!
Barry
Nope.
GGordon
I think, with it being a rainy lunch hour, there might be one or two non-smokers stopping by here. Hey! I wonder who'll end up outnumbering who? [Miming flamboyantly] Smokers… or non-smokers? Cause there's me and Janet from the healthy brigade now, and you… you five puffers from the home side. But! Who'll be next, through the door!
GGordon
A smoker, or a non-smoker?
[Awkward pause when he realises Gordon is looking at him] Smoker.
GGordon
Ding! Bernie, who'll be next in?
Barry
Barry.
GGordon
Does Barry smoke?
Barry
Yes.
GGordon
Ding! Three votes for a smoker. Len?
I couldn't give a monkey's.
GGordon
Should I make it a non-smoker, just to spice things up?
You could make it a fucking crack addict for all I care!
MMiranda
Is… this the smoking room?
No, love. We're all just wild free-thinkers who won't respect authority.
MMiranda
So the smoking room is–
Here. This is the smoking room.
Barry
[Grinning lecherously] Take a pew. Come and join us.
Barry
Tell us all about yourself.
I better go and find Clint. [holds up pictorial evidence of Miranda photocopying her own head] Get him to fix the photocopier.
MMiranda
[childishly] Oops. [Barry chuckles awkwardly] Cor, it's a bit grim in here, isn't it?
Barry
Yes–
It used to be quite oppressive, but they painted it not so long back.
MMiranda
What an icky colour to chose, this murky yellow.
With a hint of a tint. They did tell us what shade it was. Oh, what was it, Barry?
Barry
[Staring at Miranda's legs] Cream explosion.
Oh, this frigging machine! Press for coffee and it's given me… mushroom soup… oh, but they got the sugar right!
Do you two know each other?
MMiranda
Yeah! So, where you working these days?
MMiranda
Oh… yeah… You look so different.
[To Annie] Come on, missus. We don't need a trip down memory lane with these two. [They get up to leave]
Barry
So, how do you two know each other?
MMiranda
We were at school together.
She was my girlfriend. [Sally and Annie immediately turn around to sit back down again]
The Smoking Room · 59 quotes
