AnnieSo, should I go for that drink with Dan?
Do you wanna go for a drink with him?
Annie
I'm not sure.
Annie, you've got to a third date. You've never managed that before.
Annie
No. You were right. Refusing to have sex straight away kept him keen.
Yea, you've got to hold back 'til at least the fourth, fifth date.
Annie
Ahh.
Annie
I did. Three times! He said I was very accomplished. But, you'll promise you'll keep this to yourself…
Annie
He wanted me to dress up as a police officer.
Oh yeah? The old black stockings?
Annie
A male police officer.
Annie
Quite specifically, the officer in charge of the Fred West case.
Yeah… best off out of that.
So, Janet. Why am I only possibly going to get this promotion?
Well there's the interview to get through first.
Yes, but that's just a formality.
Ha. They're not going to give the job to Malcolm, are they?
Alchy-Malchy? Congratulations Barry! It's in the bag.
I think it was very brave of Malcolm to admit he's an alcoholic.
What choice did he have? He was sprawled over reception in a pool of his own vomit! With a traffic cone on his head. And he'd shat himself!
Annie
Not just himself...
Annie
[Crying] One minute there, the next… well, still there, but… dead.
Come on, Annie, he was only a rabbit.
Annie
There was nothing only about Brighteyes.
Annie
[Upset] Yeah.
Annie
Yes.
Oh, for fu–. I thought you were crying about Martin!
Annie
Why would Martin's retirement bother me?
Martin hasn't just retired. He's gone and died n'all.
Annie
No, when?
Annie
What of?
Annie
It wasn't the food at his party was it?
Why are you asking me? I'm not Quincy!
Annie
Because I had a whole plate of those mini tartlets.
Robin I think he just dropped dead.
Annie
Phew! well, here's hoping, eh?
[Discussing reincarnation]
I wouldn't want to come back again, and if I had to, I'd expect considerably better next time round.
Annie
We're all just here to learn a lesson, and once it's sunk in, we move on to a higher plane.
Where do you pick up this crap?
Annie
On my mystic mug. A friend brought it back from Goa. It's covered in holy writings, and when you drain the dregs you can see Vishnu giving you four thumbs up.
Yeah, um, this is the thing, actually, Sharon. I've heard it can be quite dangerous. I've heard that your testicles—if you have them—can become quite inflamed if they, you know, get caught in the crossfire.
You'll want to check that out, Sharon. You don't want another lawsuit on your hands.
Barry, let's not have the saga of your broken thumb, again.
Annie
Is that true, about your knackers?
Yeah, it's happened to loads of people.
Annie
Right? Janet? You can put my name down on that list.
It's what we could do more of in this company: team spirit.
Annie
And I'll tell you someone else who's name you can put down there: Clint. [points finger gun] Pew! Pew! [blows on finger gun]
And whatever fucker signed my name up for it.
Yeah, and snap-happy Ranjit. There's a paintball with his name on it, too.
Oh, well, if we're all chipping in, put that Gordon Evans down from upstairs.
What's he ever done to you?
No, no. The paintballing is meant to be a bonding exercise to boost morale. I'm not having it abused by people just out to enjoy themselves!
Annie
But–
Did you not consider all this, Janet?
It is not going to turn into one big grudge match! There is going to have to be a serious rethink!
Annie
Oh, it's so silly of me to cry like this. My counsellor says I've got to learn to be less touchy.
I didn't know you had a counsellor.
Annie
Oh, yeah. Well, he's not mine as such. He's a woman off the telly's, in a documentary about crack whores. I have such a lot of things in common with her.
Annie
Something might come in the final post.
Annie
You've already had a card.
I meant for you! I'm sick to death of you droning on.
Annie
It's alright for Mrs Smugs. She's already had a card, she's sorted. Some of us would like to feel loved!
Yeah, if you think a card from some wanker in accounts, telling me, in way too explicit detail, what he'd like to get up to with me and Beyoncé makes me feel loved, then you, missus, have got another thing coming.
Annie
I'd have been delighted to get a card like that...
I sometimes think all the people you have a real, over-powering obsession with… or even get to go on a proper date with, if you're lucky: All have a little aspect of the person you're gonna end up with.
You take certain qualities from different people that only come together in your perfect match. So your one true love will be made up of all the best bits, or at least the things you could actually put up with, from all your previous boyfriends [catches himself] Girlfriends! So all those disastrous relationships are kind of working towards a kind of Frankenstein's Partner.
Annie
I always thought Dracula was sexier. All that biting.
No, in terms of personality. So you get this one's ability to cook, as far as you can tell, from the one occasion they actually bothered to. The way that one would sometimes get a round in, rather than leaving you to foot the bill all night. Although looks can enter into it. I mean you could go out with someone for three whole weeks and wonder what the hell you're doing with them; why you put up with their mood swings and their droney voice and the fact that they wouldn't let you smoke in the flat but force you out onto the Fire Escapey bit in the middle of January! I mean, you think you're just staving off loneliness and boredom, where as you're actually going out with your future partners... ears.
No, I don't agree with that. [leaves]
[Reading from the crossword] Unidentified flying object. 3 letters.
Yes. Unidentified flying object. 3 letters. I know it's not flying saucer…
No, it's UFO. That's the answer. Unidentified flying object, 3 letters. The answer's UFO.
But that's the same thing!
That's, more or less, how crosswords work.
D'you really think there is intelligent life out there somewhere?
As long as they're friendly, like E.T. or the ones that used to sell mashed potato.
Annie
Ooh, lots of sandwiches there, Barry!
Annie
You've made yourself too many!
Annie
Gimme an H!
Annie
Gimme an O!
Annie
Gimme an L!
Annie
Gimme another L!
No, Annie. There's only one L in it.
Annie
What?
Annie
Oh! You might have let me finish spelling it.
But you weren't spelling it, you were spelling some made up word with too many L's in.
You haven't had her struggling to spell Faliraki all morning.
Annie
Actually Sally, it was thought for a while I might be dyslexic.
Annie
I did. Anyway, I know how to spell P.I.S.E.D, and that's what I'm gonna be! [spots box of cigarettes Lilian brought back from Greece] Ooh! Foreign ciggies?
Annie
Can I try one? [Robin passes her one]
[Looking through Lilian's holiday snaps] This looks quite the tacky affair. No wonder poor Tess had her jaw dislocated. That's why Keith insists we holiday in this country… don't get all the rowdiness.
Annie
No, or any of the fun.
Keith always says—and I've come to agree with him—that anything you can find abroad is right here on our doorstep.
Oh, yeah. Cause there's a pyramid out the end of my road, and the Leaning Tower of Pisa's by the roundabout.
Pyramids are nothing compared to Chatsworth House.
MMiranda
Is… this the smoking room?
No, love. We're all just wild free-thinkers who won't respect authority.
MMiranda
So the smoking room is–
Here. This is the smoking room.
[Grinning lecherously] Take a pew. Come and join us.
Tell us all about yourself.
I better go and find Clint. [holds up pictorial evidence of Miranda photocopying her own head] Get him to fix the photocopier.
MMiranda
[childishly] Oops. [Barry chuckles awkwardly] Cor, it's a bit grim in here, isn't it?
Annie
It used to be quite oppressive, but they painted it not so long back.
MMiranda
What an icky colour to chose, this murky yellow.
Annie
With a hint of a tint. They did tell us what shade it was. Oh, what was it, Barry?
[Staring at Miranda's legs] Cream explosion.
Oh, this frigging machine! Press for coffee and it's given me… mushroom soup… oh, but they got the sugar right!
Annie
Do you two know each other?
MMiranda
Yeah! So, where you working these days?
MMiranda
Oh… yeah… You look so different.
[To Annie] Come on, missus. We don't need a trip down memory lane with these two. [They get up to leave]
So, how do you two know each other?
MMiranda
We were at school together.
She was my girlfriend. [Sally and Annie immediately turn around to sit back down again]
[Janet enters the room, perks up when she sees Dominic]
[Waves bizarrely] Hello Pelopa!
[Waves back] Hello Peleepee!
Are we suddenly in Hawaii?
Annie' You two seem very friendly.
I know I don't look old enough.
No… there's quite a gap between Minicky's mum and me. I was a late baby.
Annie
A mistake.
No! Honestly, what a horrid thing to say! I mean, really, just vile!
Annie
Yeah, don't go overboard, love.
Well, it is. Really horrible. I won't take it from my mother, I certainly won't take it from you!
The Smoking Room · 59 quotes
