So, should I go for that drink with Dan?
SallyDo you wanna go for a drink with him?
Sally
Annie, you've got to a third date. You've never managed that before.
No. You were right. Refusing to have sex straight away kept him keen.
Sally
Yea, you've got to hold back 'til at least the fourth, fifth date.
Sally
You didn't?
I did. Three times! He said I was very accomplished. But, you'll promise you'll keep this to yourself…
Sally
Of course.
He wanted me to dress up as a police officer.
Sally
Oh yeah? The old black stockings?
Sally
Ahh.
Quite specifically, the officer in charge of the Fred West case.
Sally
Yeah… best off out of that.
[Crying] One minute there, the next… well, still there, but… dead.
Sally
Come on, Annie, he was only a rabbit.
There was nothing only about Brighteyes.
Oh, for fu–. I thought you were crying about Martin!
Why would Martin's retirement bother me?
Sally
Martin hasn't just retired. He's gone and died n'all.
Sally
Saturday.
Sally
Shrugs
It wasn't the food at his party was it?
Why are you asking me? I'm not Quincy!
Because I had a whole plate of those mini tartlets.
Robin I think he just dropped dead.
Phew! well, here's hoping, eh?
[Discussing reincarnation]
I wouldn't want to come back again, and if I had to, I'd expect considerably better next time round.
We're all just here to learn a lesson, and once it's sunk in, we move on to a higher plane.
Sally
Where do you pick up this crap?
On my mystic mug. A friend brought it back from Goa. It's covered in holy writings, and when you drain the dregs you can see Vishnu giving you four thumbs up.
Yeah, um, this is the thing, actually, Sharon. I've heard it can be quite dangerous. I've heard that your testicles—if you have them—can become quite inflamed if they, you know, get caught in the crossfire.
You'll want to check that out, Sharon. You don't want another lawsuit on your hands.
Barry, let's not have the saga of your broken thumb, again.
Is that true, about your knackers?
Yeah, it's happened to loads of people.
Right? Janet? You can put my name down on that list.
It's what we could do more of in this company: team spirit.
And I'll tell you someone else who's name you can put down there: Clint. [points finger gun] Pew! Pew! [blows on finger gun]
And whatever fucker signed my name up for it.
Yeah, and snap-happy Ranjit. There's a paintball with his name on it, too.
Sally
Oh, well, if we're all chipping in, put that Gordon Evans down from upstairs.
What's he ever done to you?
Sally
Just don't like him.
No, no. The paintballing is meant to be a bonding exercise to boost morale. I'm not having it abused by people just out to enjoy themselves!
Did you not consider all this, Janet?
It is not going to turn into one big grudge match! There is going to have to be a serious rethink!
Sally
No way.
Alright, gimme your phone, let me.
Sally
Tsk. She's probably got it on vibrate. She'll never feel it through those thighs. Wait, if I miss Beats FM while you're calling her, I'll never forgive you.
[…]
[Ringing Annie] Fancy letting it go this long without going to answerphone. Dozy f– Oh, hi. Um– […] Well yeah, obviously "we're talking now". […] Oh, I see, no, I'm not Sally, it's Robin. […] Well, how many Robins do you know? […] How many? Look, anyway, I'm down in the smoking room and no-one's got a light, so could you pop down with yours? […] Well, could you leave your appraisal for five minutes? I mean, tell them it's urgent? […] Oh right, I mean why doesn't that surprise me? You've never got any fags, why would you have a lighter!? […] No, Annie don't– No, don't start crying. D– Oh, bugger! She hung up!
Sally
Yeah, she's self, self, self.
That man. Out there. I think he's smoking.
[Jumping up to bang on the basement window] Hello, Mr. Smokey Man!
He'll never hear that, you've got to bat the hell out of it! Give us a leg up, Len.
Oh. [looking at Robin, then elsewhere] Uh, Barry, then. [Barry picks up her and she starts banging on the window]
Sally
Has he heard you?
No. Oi, cloth-ears! Are you deaf?
Oh, he might be. You shouldn't have a go at him for it.
No, I think he's whistling. The deaf can't whistle, can they?
Something might come in the final post.
Sally
God, I hope so.
You've already had a card.
Sally
I meant for you! I'm sick to death of you droning on.
It's alright for Mrs Smugs. She's already had a card, she's sorted. Some of us would like to feel loved!
Sally
Yeah, if you think a card from some wanker in accounts, telling me, in way too explicit detail, what he'd like to get up to with me and Beyoncé makes me feel loved, then you, missus, have got another thing coming.
I'd have been delighted to get a card like that...
I sometimes think all the people you have a real, over-powering obsession with… or even get to go on a proper date with, if you're lucky: All have a little aspect of the person you're gonna end up with.
Sally
Do what?
You take certain qualities from different people that only come together in your perfect match. So your one true love will be made up of all the best bits, or at least the things you could actually put up with, from all your previous boyfriends [catches himself] Girlfriends! So all those disastrous relationships are kind of working towards a kind of Frankenstein's Partner.
I always thought Dracula was sexier. All that biting.
No, in terms of personality. So you get this one's ability to cook, as far as you can tell, from the one occasion they actually bothered to. The way that one would sometimes get a round in, rather than leaving you to foot the bill all night. Although looks can enter into it. I mean you could go out with someone for three whole weeks and wonder what the hell you're doing with them; why you put up with their mood swings and their droney voice and the fact that they wouldn't let you smoke in the flat but force you out onto the Fire Escapey bit in the middle of January! I mean, you think you're just staving off loneliness and boredom, where as you're actually going out with your future partners... ears.
No, I don't agree with that. [leaves]
No, Annie. There's only one L in it.
Oh! You might have let me finish spelling it.
But you weren't spelling it, you were spelling some made up word with too many L's in.
Sally
You haven't had her struggling to spell Faliraki all morning.
Actually Sally, it was thought for a while I might be dyslexic.
Sally
Who thought that?
I did. Anyway, I know how to spell P.I.S.E.D, and that's what I'm gonna be! [spots box of cigarettes Lilian brought back from Greece] Ooh! Foreign ciggies?
Can I try one? [Robin passes her one]
[Looking through Lilian's holiday snaps] This looks quite the tacky affair. No wonder poor Tess had her jaw dislocated. That's why Keith insists we holiday in this country… don't get all the rowdiness.
Keith always says—and I've come to agree with him—that anything you can find abroad is right here on our doorstep.
Sally
Oh, yeah. Cause there's a pyramid out the end of my road, and the Leaning Tower of Pisa's by the roundabout.
Pyramids are nothing compared to Chatsworth House.
MMiranda
Is… this the smoking room?
Sally
No, love. We're all just wild free-thinkers who won't respect authority.
MMiranda
So the smoking room is–
Sally
Here. This is the smoking room.
[Grinning lecherously] Take a pew. Come and join us.
Tell us all about yourself.
I better go and find Clint. [holds up pictorial evidence of Miranda photocopying her own head] Get him to fix the photocopier.
MMiranda
[childishly] Oops. [Barry chuckles awkwardly] Cor, it's a bit grim in here, isn't it?
Sally
No!
It used to be quite oppressive, but they painted it not so long back.
MMiranda
What an icky colour to chose, this murky yellow.
Sally
It's beige!
With a hint of a tint. They did tell us what shade it was. Oh, what was it, Barry?
[Staring at Miranda's legs] Cream explosion.
Oh, this frigging machine! Press for coffee and it's given me… mushroom soup… oh, but they got the sugar right!
Do you two know each other?
MMiranda
Yeah! So, where you working these days?
MMiranda
Oh… yeah… You look so different.
Sally
[To Annie] Come on, missus. We don't need a trip down memory lane with these two. [They get up to leave]
So, how do you two know each other?
MMiranda
We were at school together.
She was my girlfriend. [Sally and Annie immediately turn around to sit back down again]
[Janet enters the room, perks up when she sees Dominic]
[Waves bizarrely] Hello Pelopa!
[Waves back] Hello Peleepee!
Are we suddenly in Hawaii?
Annie' You two seem very friendly.
Sally
Oh?
I know I don't look old enough.
Sally
D'you not think?
No… there's quite a gap between Minicky's mum and me. I was a late baby.
No! Honestly, what a horrid thing to say! I mean, really, just vile!
Yeah, don't go overboard, love.
Well, it is. Really horrible. I won't take it from my mother, I certainly won't take it from you!
Sally
They teach us in boxercise you can hurt your opponent much more mentally than with a well-aimed slap. Y'know, psyche 'em out and their confidence goes.
How do you psyche out a bee?
Sally
You just follow 'em around going, "your honey tastes like shit, mate", "you're crap buzzer", "black, yellow stripes? Don't go." Soon get depressed and fly off.
Sally
[to Dominic] You better not be writing summink about me in there.
Sally
I stand up, you start with your scribbling? [points at Robin] He might have agreed to be studied, but I'm not that desperate for attention– oi, look at me when I'm talking to you!
I wasn't writing anything. I– I was just… drawing some apples playing football. [shows her the drawing]
Sally
Is that some sort of code?
Nope. Cabin fever's set in.
Sally
Yeah, well, last bloke who slagged me off had his tyres slashed. [beat] Oh, I didn't do it! It was just a coincidence. [leaves]
[Robin lights yet another cigarette]
You're not gonna have another one?
No, fine! Let's go back to my office. You can watch me stare at the walls for a while, or maybe I'll pick up… the… uh… metal thing… the click-click… staples…
Stapler, and put it next to the… uh… there's another metal thing on my desk, the… it's got a slightly curved, uh… I'll put the stapler next to that, shall I? What larks we'll have! Well, come on!
You know? I would say your relentless sarcasm is an obvious attempt to put people at a distance, due to an almost crippling sense of inadequacy. I would say that your barbed, defensive humour is prompted by a fear of intimacy because there's something you're trying to hide, an aspect of yourself you're desperate to supress because you hate it so. You hate yourself. [pause as everyone looks shocked] I would say all that, if I weren't simply a passive observer.
The Smoking Room · 59 quotes
