The Smoking Room quotes

Annie

So, should I go for that drink with Dan?

Sally

Do you wanna go for a drink with him?

Annie

I'm not sure.

Sally

Annie, you've got to a third date. You've never managed that before.

Annie

No. You were right. Refusing to have sex straight away kept him keen.

Sally

Yea, you've got to hold back 'til at least the fourth, fifth date.

Annie

Ahh.

Sally

You didn't?

Annie

I did. Three times! He said I was very accomplished. But, you'll promise you'll keep this to yourself…

Sally

Of course.

Annie

He wanted me to dress up as a police officer.

Sally

Oh yeah? The old black stockings?

Annie

A male police officer.

Sally

Ahh.

Annie

Quite specifically, the officer in charge of the Fred West case.

Sally

Yeah… best off out of that.

Barry

So, Janet. Why am I only possibly going to get this promotion?

Well there's the interview to get through first.

Barry

Yes, but that's just a formality.

It certainly isn't!

Barry

Ha. They're not going to give the job to Malcolm, are they?

Robin

Alchy-Malchy? Congratulations Barry! It's in the bag.

I think it was very brave of Malcolm to admit he's an alcoholic.

Robin

What choice did he have? He was sprawled over reception in a pool of his own vomit! With a traffic cone on his head. And he'd shat himself!

Annie

Not just himself...

Lilian

Honestly Barry? You're taking over from Martin?

Barry

Umm, well I thought I was. Now it just seems I've been hauled in to bump up the numbers.

Lilian

Ahh, like Posh in the Spice Girls.

Lilian

No, there's some cracking lady bosses about.

Barry

You can't mean Sharon.

Lilian

Well obviously I don't mean Sharon. Like Hitler in a trouser suit that one.

Barry

Hitler wore a trouser suit.

Lilian

Not in lilac.

Annie

[Crying] One minute there, the next… well, still there, but… dead.

Sally

Come on, Annie, he was only a rabbit.

Annie

There was nothing only about Brighteyes.

Robin

A rabbit?

Annie

[Upset] Yeah.

Robin

A bunny rabbit??

Annie

Yes.

Robin

Oh, for fu–. I thought you were crying about Martin!

Annie

Why would Martin's retirement bother me?

Sally

Martin hasn't just retired. He's gone and died n'all.

Annie

No, when?

Sally

Saturday.

Annie

What of?

Sally

Shrugs

Annie

It wasn't the food at his party was it?

Robin

Why are you asking me? I'm not Quincy!

Annie

Because I had a whole plate of those mini tartlets.

Annie

Phew! well, here's hoping, eh?

Clint

It's my first one all morning! If I don't have one now I'll have to wait 'till lunchtime.

Sally

Tell that to the people in the lift!

Clint

Oh, I have.

Robin

I wouldn't want to come back again, and if I had to, I'd expect considerably better next time round.

Annie

We're all just here to learn a lesson, and once it's sunk in, we move on to a higher plane.

Sally

Where do you pick up this crap?

Annie

On my mystic mug. A friend brought it back from Goa. It's covered in holy writings, and when you drain the dregs you can see Vishnu giving you four thumbs up.

Barry

When I was a little boy I wanted to be a surgeon.

Robin

What went wrong?

Barry

Well, they don't let children perform operations.

Len

How cheated would you feel? You've spent your days slaving away for these fuckers, working your fingers to the bone, and when you get some time back to yourself, you go and drop dead in Asda's frozen food isle.

Lilian

Not even fresh.

Barry

He didn't die in Asda!? That's where I shop!

Robin

The fatality rate must be pretty low though, Barry.

Lilian

He was just leaning down to fetch a tub of Carte D'or when the whole of his left side went stiff. Poor Pat thought they'd had the freezers up too high, but no… fatal stroke.

Sharon

Now, I take it you've all heard the sad news about Martin.

Len

[Looking up and shaking his fist] Bastard!

Sharon

Len, he's not even in his grave!

Len

God's a bastard.

Sharon

Oh, fine.

Sharon

Still, if people would observe the company rule about not opening attachments.

Lilian

You don't always know they're not work related. I opened one this morning from a client. It was the filthiest thing I've ever clapped eyes on!

Robin

Was it the woman with the donkey?

Lilian

Yeah.

Barry

I think you'll find it was a mule.

Lilian

I can understand the animal enjoying itself, but what could that dirty bitch get out of it?

Barry

Well, from what I saw, lockjaw.

Lilian

I can't get it out me head.

Barry

That's probably what she was thinking.

Robin

Trannies are people, too, you know! They're not lepers!

Barry

Lepers are people.

Len

Death, eh? We're just passing shadows in the big scheme of things. Gone in the twinklin' of an eye. No rhyme, no reason to it. Your parents have it off, and if the doo-dah meets the wotsit, nine months later out you pop! And you think you've got all the time in the world, don'tcha? When you're young. But the sands of your life are tricklin' down all the while. And as the years pass, they trickle all the quicker. And before you know where you are, they're booking your funeral.

Lilian

Oh, Leonard. You are quite profound when you're not swearing.

Len

Fuck off!

Robin

Yeah, um, this is the thing, actually, Sharon. I've heard it can be quite dangerous. I've heard that your testicles—if you have them—can become quite inflamed if they, you know, get caught in the crossfire.

Barry

You'll want to check that out, Sharon. You don't want another lawsuit on your hands.

Sharon

Barry, let's not have the saga of your broken thumb, again.

Annie

Is that true, about your knackers?

Robin

Yeah, it's happened to loads of people.

Annie

Right? Janet? You can put my name down on that list.

Oh, that's wonderful!

Sharon

It's what we could do more of in this company: team spirit.

Annie

And I'll tell you someone else who's name you can put down there: Clint. [points finger gun] Pew! Pew! [blows on finger gun]

Len

And whatever fucker signed my name up for it.

Lilian

Yeah, and snap-happy Ranjit. There's a paintball with his name on it, too.

Sally

Oh, well, if we're all chipping in, put that Gordon Evans down from upstairs.

Robin

What's he ever done to you?

Sally

Just don't like him.

Sharon

No, no. The paintballing is meant to be a bonding exercise to boost morale. I'm not having it abused by people just out to enjoy themselves!

Annie

But–

Sharon

Did you not consider all this, Janet?

It wasn't my idea!

Sharon

It is not going to turn into one big grudge match! There is going to have to be a serious rethink!

Annie

Oh, it's so silly of me to cry like this. My counsellor says I've got to learn to be less touchy.

Robin

I didn't know you had a counsellor.

Annie

Oh, yeah. Well, he's not mine as such. He's a woman off the telly's, in a documentary about crack whores. I have such a lot of things in common with her.