So, should I go for that drink with Dan?
Do you wanna go for a drink with him?
Annie, you've got to a third date. You've never managed that before.
No. You were right. Refusing to have sex straight away kept him keen.
Yea, you've got to hold back 'til at least the fourth, fifth date.
I did. Three times! He said I was very accomplished. But, you'll promise you'll keep this to yourself…
He wanted me to dress up as a police officer.
Oh yeah? The old black stockings?
Quite specifically, the officer in charge of the Fred West case.
Yeah… best off out of that.
So, Janet. Why am I only possibly going to get this promotion?
Well there's the interview to get through first.
Yes, but that's just a formality.
Ha. They're not going to give the job to Malcolm, are they?
Alchy-Malchy? Congratulations Barry! It's in the bag.
I think it was very brave of Malcolm to admit he's an alcoholic.
What choice did he have? He was sprawled over reception in a pool of his own vomit! With a traffic cone on his head. And he'd shat himself!
[Crying] One minute there, the next… well, still there, but… dead.
Come on, Annie, he was only a rabbit.
There was nothing only about Brighteyes.
Oh, for fu–. I thought you were crying about Martin!
Why would Martin's retirement bother me?
Martin hasn't just retired. He's gone and died n'all.
It wasn't the food at his party was it?
Why are you asking me? I'm not Quincy!
Because I had a whole plate of those mini tartlets.
Robin I think he just dropped dead.
Phew! well, here's hoping, eh?
[Discussing reincarnation]
I wouldn't want to come back again, and if I had to, I'd expect considerably better next time round.
We're all just here to learn a lesson, and once it's sunk in, we move on to a higher plane.
Where do you pick up this crap?
On my mystic mug. A friend brought it back from Goa. It's covered in holy writings, and when you drain the dregs you can see Vishnu giving you four thumbs up.
How cheated would you feel? You've spent your days slaving away for these fuckers, working your fingers to the bone, and when you get some time back to yourself, you go and drop dead in Asda's frozen food isle.
He didn't die in Asda!? That's where I shop!
The fatality rate must be pretty low though, Barry.
He was just leaning down to fetch a tub of Carte D'or when the whole of his left side went stiff. Poor Pat thought they'd had the freezers up too high, but no… fatal stroke.
Still, if people would observe the company rule about not opening attachments.
You don't always know they're not work related. I opened one this morning from a client. It was the filthiest thing I've ever clapped eyes on!
Was it the woman with the donkey?
I think you'll find it was a mule.
I can understand the animal enjoying itself, but what could that dirty bitch get out of it?
Well, from what I saw, lockjaw.
I can't get it out me head.
That's probably what she was thinking.
Death, eh? We're just passing shadows in the big scheme of things. Gone in the twinklin' of an eye. No rhyme, no reason to it. Your parents have it off, and if the doo-dah meets the wotsit, nine months later out you pop! And you think you've got all the time in the world, don'tcha? When you're young. But the sands of your life are tricklin' down all the while. And as the years pass, they trickle all the quicker. And before you know where you are, they're booking your funeral.
Oh, Leonard. You are quite profound when you're not swearing.
Yeah, um, this is the thing, actually, Sharon. I've heard it can be quite dangerous. I've heard that your testicles—if you have them—can become quite inflamed if they, you know, get caught in the crossfire.
You'll want to check that out, Sharon. You don't want another lawsuit on your hands.
Barry, let's not have the saga of your broken thumb, again.
Is that true, about your knackers?
Yeah, it's happened to loads of people.
Right? Janet? You can put my name down on that list.
It's what we could do more of in this company: team spirit.
And I'll tell you someone else who's name you can put down there: Clint. [points finger gun] Pew! Pew! [blows on finger gun]
And whatever fucker signed my name up for it.
Yeah, and snap-happy Ranjit. There's a paintball with his name on it, too.
Oh, well, if we're all chipping in, put that Gordon Evans down from upstairs.
What's he ever done to you?
No, no. The paintballing is meant to be a bonding exercise to boost morale. I'm not having it abused by people just out to enjoy themselves!
Did you not consider all this, Janet?
It is not going to turn into one big grudge match! There is going to have to be a serious rethink!
Oh, it's so silly of me to cry like this. My counsellor says I've got to learn to be less touchy.
I didn't know you had a counsellor.
Oh, yeah. Well, he's not mine as such. He's a woman off the telly's, in a documentary about crack whores. I have such a lot of things in common with her.
