Lilian quotes from The Smoking Room

Lilian

[On Valentine's Day] It's all just a con to make you part with your cash. Like Children In Need.

Lilian

Honestly Barry? You're taking over from Martin?

Barry

Umm, well I thought I was. Now it just seems I've been hauled in to bump up the numbers.

Lilian

Ahh, like Posh in the Spice Girls.

Lilian

No, there's some cracking lady bosses about.

Barry

You can't mean Sharon.

Lilian

Well obviously I don't mean Sharon. Like Hitler in a trouser suit that one.

Barry

Hitler wore a trouser suit.

Lilian

Not in lilac.

Len

How cheated would you feel? You've spent your days slaving away for these fuckers, working your fingers to the bone, and when you get some time back to yourself, you go and drop dead in Asda's frozen food isle.

Lilian

Not even fresh.

Barry

He didn't die in Asda!? That's where I shop!

Robin

The fatality rate must be pretty low though, Barry.

Lilian

He was just leaning down to fetch a tub of Carte D'or when the whole of his left side went stiff. Poor Pat thought they'd had the freezers up too high, but no… fatal stroke.

Sharon

Still, if people would observe the company rule about not opening attachments.

Lilian

You don't always know they're not work related. I opened one this morning from a client. It was the filthiest thing I've ever clapped eyes on!

Robin

Was it the woman with the donkey?

Lilian

Yeah.

Barry

I think you'll find it was a mule.

Lilian

I can understand the animal enjoying itself, but what could that dirty bitch get out of it?

Barry

Well, from what I saw, lockjaw.

Lilian

I can't get it out me head.

Barry

That's probably what she was thinking.

Len

Death, eh? We're just passing shadows in the big scheme of things. Gone in the twinklin' of an eye. No rhyme, no reason to it. Your parents have it off, and if the doo-dah meets the wotsit, nine months later out you pop! And you think you've got all the time in the world, don'tcha? When you're young. But the sands of your life are tricklin' down all the while. And as the years pass, they trickle all the quicker. And before you know where you are, they're booking your funeral.

Lilian

Oh, Leonard. You are quite profound when you're not swearing.

Len

Fuck off!

Robin

Yeah, um, this is the thing, actually, Sharon. I've heard it can be quite dangerous. I've heard that your testicles—if you have them—can become quite inflamed if they, you know, get caught in the crossfire.

Barry

You'll want to check that out, Sharon. You don't want another lawsuit on your hands.

Sharon

Barry, let's not have the saga of your broken thumb, again.

Annie

Is that true, about your knackers?

Robin

Yeah, it's happened to loads of people.

Annie

Right? Janet? You can put my name down on that list.

Oh, that's wonderful!

Sharon

It's what we could do more of in this company: team spirit.

Annie

And I'll tell you someone else who's name you can put down there: Clint. [points finger gun] Pew! Pew! [blows on finger gun]

Len

And whatever fucker signed my name up for it.

Lilian

Yeah, and snap-happy Ranjit. There's a paintball with his name on it, too.

Sally

Oh, well, if we're all chipping in, put that Gordon Evans down from upstairs.

Robin

What's he ever done to you?

Sally

Just don't like him.

Sharon

No, no. The paintballing is meant to be a bonding exercise to boost morale. I'm not having it abused by people just out to enjoy themselves!

Annie

But–

Sharon

Did you not consider all this, Janet?

It wasn't my idea!

Sharon

It is not going to turn into one big grudge match! There is going to have to be a serious rethink!

Robin

That man. Out there. I think he's smoking.

Lilian

Smoking?

Len

Yeah, he is. Lucky sod!

Robin

[Jumping up to bang on the basement window] Hello, Mr. Smokey Man!

Lilian

He'll never hear that, you've got to bat the hell out of it! Give us a leg up, Len.

Len

What, with my back?

Lilian

Oh. [looking at Robin, then elsewhere] Uh, Barry, then. [Barry picks up her and she starts banging on the window]

Sally

Has he heard you?

Lilian

No. Oi, cloth-ears! Are you deaf?

Robin

Oh, he might be. You shouldn't have a go at him for it.

Lilian

No, I think he's whistling. The deaf can't whistle, can they?

Len

Not in tune.

God, this is all I need!

Barry

Is this still about the suggestion box, Janet? Because, you know, if you didn't really want constructive advice, you should never have introduced it!

[Confused] I was talking about the rain. [Angrily] Although, I wanted suggestions for fun social events, not personal attacks!

Lilian

Aww, did he have a go at your frumpy clothes?

No. He said my short temper and abrasive manner only serve to…

Barry

Alienate people.

You try doing my job! See how many smiles you crack!

I think, with it being a rainy lunch hour, there might be one or two non-smokers stopping by here. Hey! I wonder who'll end up outnumbering who? [Miming flamboyantly] Smokers… or non-smokers? Cause there's me and Janet from the healthy brigade now, and you… you five puffers from the home side. But! Who'll be next, through the door!

Lilian

Hope it's a fella.

A smoker, or a non-smoker?

Robin

[Awkward pause when he realises Gordon is looking at him] Smoker.

Ding!

Lilian

Same, here.

Ding! Bernie, who'll be next in?

Barry

Barry.

Does Barry smoke?

Barry

Yes.

Ding! Three votes for a smoker. Len?

Len

I couldn't give a monkey's.

Should I make it a non-smoker, just to spice things up?

Len

You could make it a fucking crack addict for all I care!

Sharon

Did you get any nice presents?

Lilian

Oh… well…

Lois

I got her some potpourri.

Lilian

Mm.

Sharon

Lovely! What scent?

Lilian

Oh, it doesn't smell.

Lois

[Shakes her head, smiling]

Sharon

So… just some dead leaves in a bowl?

Lilian

Yep.

Lois

[Nods her head, still smiling enthusiastically]

Clint

Aww, Lils, this party is…

Lilian

Rubbish. I know. No music! Bloody Sharon sucking the life out of the place.. I've had more fun at a wake!

Clint

Yeah, Tess Pownell's husband's was banging. Every track they played I was like, "tune!"

Lilian

Mm. I think she regrets the disco now. She was in shock.. She freely admits the bouncy castle was misjudged.

Clint

No way, best bit!

Sally

[to Dominic] You better not be writing summink about me in there.

Sorry?

Sally

I stand up, you start with your scribbling? [points at Robin] He might have agreed to be studied, but I'm not that desperate for attention– oi, look at me when I'm talking to you!

I wasn't writing anything. I– I was just… drawing some apples playing football. [shows her the drawing]

Sally

Is that some sort of code?

Nope. Cabin fever's set in.

Sally

Yeah, well, last bloke who slagged me off had his tyres slashed. [beat] Oh, I didn't do it! It was just a coincidence. [leaves]

You're not gonna have another one?

Robin

No, fine! Let's go back to my office. You can watch me stare at the walls for a while, or maybe I'll pick up… the… uh… metal thing… the click-click… staples…

Lilian

Stapler.

Robin

Stapler, and put it next to the… uh… there's another metal thing on my desk, the… it's got a slightly curved, uh… I'll put the stapler next to that, shall I? What larks we'll have! Well, come on!

You know? I would say your relentless sarcasm is an obvious attempt to put people at a distance, due to an almost crippling sense of inadequacy. I would say that your barbed, defensive humour is prompted by a fear of intimacy because there's something you're trying to hide, an aspect of yourself you're desperate to supress because you hate it so. You hate yourself. [pause as everyone looks shocked] I would say all that, if I weren't simply a passive observer.

I had an imaginary friend.

Lilian

Just the one?

Mm. I would have liked another one, but… I lacked the imagination…

Lilian

Oh I saw a film once where they were all snowed in. 'Snowed In' it was called. And eventually they all had to eat each other! Imagine that. Human flesh.

Sharon

I wouldn't mind a wee taste.

Lilian

Well, I suppose if your life depended on it...

Sharon

Oh, if my life depended on it I'd tuck in with no qualms!