So, Janet. Why am I only possibly going to get this promotion?
Well there's the interview to get through first.
Yes, but that's just a formality.
Ha. They're not going to give the job to Malcolm, are they?
RobinAlchy-Malchy? Congratulations Barry! It's in the bag.
I think it was very brave of Malcolm to admit he's an alcoholic.
Robin
What choice did he have? He was sprawled over reception in a pool of his own vomit! With a traffic cone on his head. And he'd shat himself!
[Crying] One minute there, the next… well, still there, but… dead.
Come on, Annie, he was only a rabbit.
There was nothing only about Brighteyes.
Robin
A rabbit?
Robin
A bunny rabbit??
Robin
Oh, for fu–. I thought you were crying about Martin!
Why would Martin's retirement bother me?
Martin hasn't just retired. He's gone and died n'all.
It wasn't the food at his party was it?
Robin
Why are you asking me? I'm not Quincy!
Because I had a whole plate of those mini tartlets.
Robin I think he just dropped dead.
Phew! well, here's hoping, eh?
[Discussing reincarnation]
Robin
I wouldn't want to come back again, and if I had to, I'd expect considerably better next time round.
We're all just here to learn a lesson, and once it's sunk in, we move on to a higher plane.
Where do you pick up this crap?
On my mystic mug. A friend brought it back from Goa. It's covered in holy writings, and when you drain the dregs you can see Vishnu giving you four thumbs up.
How cheated would you feel? You've spent your days slaving away for these fuckers, working your fingers to the bone, and when you get some time back to yourself, you go and drop dead in Asda's frozen food isle.
He didn't die in Asda!? That's where I shop!
Robin
The fatality rate must be pretty low though, Barry.
He was just leaning down to fetch a tub of Carte D'or when the whole of his left side went stiff. Poor Pat thought they'd had the freezers up too high, but no… fatal stroke.
Still, if people would observe the company rule about not opening attachments.
You don't always know they're not work related. I opened one this morning from a client. It was the filthiest thing I've ever clapped eyes on!
Robin
Was it the woman with the donkey?
I think you'll find it was a mule.
I can understand the animal enjoying itself, but what could that dirty bitch get out of it?
Well, from what I saw, lockjaw.
I can't get it out me head.
That's probably what she was thinking.
Robin
Yeah, um, this is the thing, actually, Sharon. I've heard it can be quite dangerous. I've heard that your testicles—if you have them—can become quite inflamed if they, you know, get caught in the crossfire.
You'll want to check that out, Sharon. You don't want another lawsuit on your hands.
Barry, let's not have the saga of your broken thumb, again.
Is that true, about your knackers?
Robin
Yeah, it's happened to loads of people.
Right? Janet? You can put my name down on that list.
It's what we could do more of in this company: team spirit.
And I'll tell you someone else who's name you can put down there: Clint. [points finger gun] Pew! Pew! [blows on finger gun]
And whatever fucker signed my name up for it.
Yeah, and snap-happy Ranjit. There's a paintball with his name on it, too.
Oh, well, if we're all chipping in, put that Gordon Evans down from upstairs.
Robin
What's he ever done to you?
No, no. The paintballing is meant to be a bonding exercise to boost morale. I'm not having it abused by people just out to enjoy themselves!
Did you not consider all this, Janet?
It is not going to turn into one big grudge match! There is going to have to be a serious rethink!
Oh, it's so silly of me to cry like this. My counsellor says I've got to learn to be less touchy.
Robin
I didn't know you had a counsellor.
Oh, yeah. Well, he's not mine as such. He's a woman off the telly's, in a documentary about crack whores. I have such a lot of things in common with her.
Robin
Ring Annie.
Robin
Alright, gimme your phone, let me.
Tsk. She's probably got it on vibrate. She'll never feel it through those thighs. Wait, if I miss Beats FM while you're calling her, I'll never forgive you.
[…]
Robin
[Ringing Annie] Fancy letting it go this long without going to answerphone. Dozy f– Oh, hi. Um– […] Well yeah, obviously "we're talking now". […] Oh, I see, no, I'm not Sally, it's Robin. […] Well, how many Robins do you know? […] How many? Look, anyway, I'm down in the smoking room and no-one's got a light, so could you pop down with yours? […] Well, could you leave your appraisal for five minutes? I mean, tell them it's urgent? […] Oh right, I mean why doesn't that surprise me? You've never got any fags, why would you have a lighter!? […] No, Annie don't– No, don't start crying. D– Oh, bugger! She hung up!
Yeah, she's self, self, self.
Robin
That man. Out there. I think he's smoking.
Robin
[Jumping up to bang on the basement window] Hello, Mr. Smokey Man!
He'll never hear that, you've got to bat the hell out of it! Give us a leg up, Len.
Oh. [looking at Robin, then elsewhere] Uh, Barry, then. [Barry picks up her and she starts banging on the window]
No. Oi, cloth-ears! Are you deaf?
Robin
Oh, he might be. You shouldn't have a go at him for it.
No, I think he's whistling. The deaf can't whistle, can they?
Robin
When?
Robin
[Blank look]
Robin
[Blank look]
Don't you remember? We had that baby shower. The lads from packing dressed up as The Supremes, sang Baby Love.
Robin
[Blank look]
The 4th floor gave me that SuperDoopa buggy. We were laughing because little Tina Swanson could fit in it. We pushed her down the corridor?
Robin
[Blank look]
She fell out and broke her collar bone.
Robin
[Blank look]
Ben from the post room showed us all his bum.
Robin
Oh yeah! Ben's arse.
Robin
I sometimes think all the people you have a real, over-powering obsession with… or even get to go on a proper date with, if you're lucky: All have a little aspect of the person you're gonna end up with.
Robin
You take certain qualities from different people that only come together in your perfect match. So your one true love will be made up of all the best bits, or at least the things you could actually put up with, from all your previous boyfriends [catches himself] Girlfriends! So all those disastrous relationships are kind of working towards a kind of Frankenstein's Partner.
I always thought Dracula was sexier. All that biting.
Robin
No, in terms of personality. So you get this one's ability to cook, as far as you can tell, from the one occasion they actually bothered to. The way that one would sometimes get a round in, rather than leaving you to foot the bill all night. Although looks can enter into it. I mean you could go out with someone for three whole weeks and wonder what the hell you're doing with them; why you put up with their mood swings and their droney voice and the fact that they wouldn't let you smoke in the flat but force you out onto the Fire Escapey bit in the middle of January! I mean, you think you're just staving off loneliness and boredom, where as you're actually going out with your future partners... ears.
No, I don't agree with that. [leaves]
[Reading from the crossword] Unidentified flying object. 3 letters.
Robin
UFO.
Robin
Yeah, UFO.
Yes. Unidentified flying object. 3 letters. I know it's not flying saucer…
Robin
No, it's UFO. That's the answer. Unidentified flying object, 3 letters. The answer's UFO.
But that's the same thing!
Robin
That's, more or less, how crosswords work.
D'you really think there is intelligent life out there somewhere?
Robin
God, I hope so.
As long as they're friendly, like E.T. or the ones that used to sell mashed potato.
Ooh, lots of sandwiches there, Barry!
You've made yourself too many!
GGordon
I think, with it being a rainy lunch hour, there might be one or two non-smokers stopping by here. Hey! I wonder who'll end up outnumbering who? [Miming flamboyantly] Smokers… or non-smokers? Cause there's me and Janet from the healthy brigade now, and you… you five puffers from the home side. But! Who'll be next, through the door!
GGordon
A smoker, or a non-smoker?
Robin
[Awkward pause when he realises Gordon is looking at him] Smoker.
GGordon
Ding! Bernie, who'll be next in?
GGordon
Does Barry smoke?
GGordon
Ding! Three votes for a smoker. Len?
I couldn't give a monkey's.
GGordon
Should I make it a non-smoker, just to spice things up?
You could make it a fucking crack addict for all I care!
The Smoking Room · 59 quotes
