LenHow cheated would you feel? You've spent your days slaving away for these fuckers, working your fingers to the bone, and when you get some time back to yourself, you go and drop dead in Asda's frozen food isle.
He didn't die in Asda!? That's where I shop!
The fatality rate must be pretty low though, Barry.
He was just leaning down to fetch a tub of Carte D'or when the whole of his left side went stiff. Poor Pat thought they'd had the freezers up too high, but no… fatal stroke.
Len
Death, eh? We're just passing shadows in the big scheme of things. Gone in the twinklin' of an eye. No rhyme, no reason to it. Your parents have it off, and if the doo-dah meets the wotsit, nine months later out you pop! And you think you've got all the time in the world, don'tcha? When you're young. But the sands of your life are tricklin' down all the while. And as the years pass, they trickle all the quicker. And before you know where you are, they're booking your funeral.
Oh, Leonard. You are quite profound when you're not swearing.
Len
Fuck off!
Yeah, um, this is the thing, actually, Sharon. I've heard it can be quite dangerous. I've heard that your testicles—if you have them—can become quite inflamed if they, you know, get caught in the crossfire.
You'll want to check that out, Sharon. You don't want another lawsuit on your hands.
Barry, let's not have the saga of your broken thumb, again.
Is that true, about your knackers?
Yeah, it's happened to loads of people.
Right? Janet? You can put my name down on that list.
It's what we could do more of in this company: team spirit.
And I'll tell you someone else who's name you can put down there: Clint. [points finger gun] Pew! Pew! [blows on finger gun]
Len
And whatever fucker signed my name up for it.
Yeah, and snap-happy Ranjit. There's a paintball with his name on it, too.
Oh, well, if we're all chipping in, put that Gordon Evans down from upstairs.
What's he ever done to you?
No, no. The paintballing is meant to be a bonding exercise to boost morale. I'm not having it abused by people just out to enjoy themselves!
Did you not consider all this, Janet?
It is not going to turn into one big grudge match! There is going to have to be a serious rethink!
That man. Out there. I think he's smoking.
Len
Yeah, he is. Lucky sod!
[Jumping up to bang on the basement window] Hello, Mr. Smokey Man!
He'll never hear that, you've got to bat the hell out of it! Give us a leg up, Len.
Len
What, with my back?
Oh. [looking at Robin, then elsewhere] Uh, Barry, then. [Barry picks up her and she starts banging on the window]
No. Oi, cloth-ears! Are you deaf?
Oh, he might be. You shouldn't have a go at him for it.
No, I think he's whistling. The deaf can't whistle, can they?
Len
Not in tune.
GGordon
I think, with it being a rainy lunch hour, there might be one or two non-smokers stopping by here. Hey! I wonder who'll end up outnumbering who? [Miming flamboyantly] Smokers… or non-smokers? Cause there's me and Janet from the healthy brigade now, and you… you five puffers from the home side. But! Who'll be next, through the door!
GGordon
A smoker, or a non-smoker?
[Awkward pause when he realises Gordon is looking at him] Smoker.
GGordon
Ding! Bernie, who'll be next in?
GGordon
Does Barry smoke?
GGordon
Ding! Three votes for a smoker. Len?
Len
I couldn't give a monkey's.
GGordon
Should I make it a non-smoker, just to spice things up?
Len
You could make it a fucking crack addict for all I care!
Len
[high on glue] Aren't hands strange? They're like feet, only on your arms!
Len
Best be getting back, I suppose.
Len
Nah. I don't know what it is, but I don't seem to give a toss about that now. I might even ask if he fancies a pint tonight. Good old Ranjit! Mm… [walks to the wrong corner of the room] Oh shit, where's the fucking door?
[whistles, pointing to the door] This way, Len.
Len
Oh, right, yeah. [singing] Do you know the way to– [opens door, turns back to Clint] Where the fuck is it? Mm… [leaves]
Um… is that normal behaviour?
Halfy-half. He doesn't normally sniff glue.
There isn't normally glue here to sniff.
We'll just bring up Ranjit and his balloon animals.
Len
That won't buy you much time. He's had to cut his act down to a snake, a worm and an electric eel. He can't the fuckers to twist without bursting 'em.
Well, you'd better fetch him onto the stage, anyway.
Len
After me fag.
Len
Ooh, fuckin' hell! Who gave him a clipboard?!
Just as well he's got no hope of promotion; he'd be a nightmare.
The Smoking Room · 59 quotes
