Janet quotes from The Smoking Room

Perhaps Noel isn't the most dynamic man in the world. And perhaps he is quite inhibited sexually. And perhaps our married life won't be a thrilling, torrid sequence of "I love you", "I hate you", "I need you", "I can't bear you". And perhaps while I wanted a Heathcliff to my Cathy I've found a Ken Barlow to my Deirdre.

Barry

So, Janet. Why am I only possibly going to get this promotion?

Well there's the interview to get through first.

Barry

Yes, but that's just a formality.

It certainly isn't!

Barry

Ha. They're not going to give the job to Malcolm, are they?

Robin

Alchy-Malchy? Congratulations Barry! It's in the bag.

I think it was very brave of Malcolm to admit he's an alcoholic.

Robin

What choice did he have? He was sprawled over reception in a pool of his own vomit! With a traffic cone on his head. And he'd shat himself!

Annie

Not just himself...

Robin

Yeah, um, this is the thing, actually, Sharon. I've heard it can be quite dangerous. I've heard that your testicles—if you have them—can become quite inflamed if they, you know, get caught in the crossfire.

Barry

You'll want to check that out, Sharon. You don't want another lawsuit on your hands.

Sharon

Barry, let's not have the saga of your broken thumb, again.

Annie

Is that true, about your knackers?

Robin

Yeah, it's happened to loads of people.

Annie

Right? Janet? You can put my name down on that list.

Oh, that's wonderful!

Sharon

It's what we could do more of in this company: team spirit.

Annie

And I'll tell you someone else who's name you can put down there: Clint. [points finger gun] Pew! Pew! [blows on finger gun]

Len

And whatever fucker signed my name up for it.

Lilian

Yeah, and snap-happy Ranjit. There's a paintball with his name on it, too.

Sally

Oh, well, if we're all chipping in, put that Gordon Evans down from upstairs.

Robin

What's he ever done to you?

Sally

Just don't like him.

Sharon

No, no. The paintballing is meant to be a bonding exercise to boost morale. I'm not having it abused by people just out to enjoy themselves!

Annie

But–

Sharon

Did you not consider all this, Janet?

It wasn't my idea!

Sharon

It is not going to turn into one big grudge match! There is going to have to be a serious rethink!

I love to see couples getting together.

Clint

I'm with you there, Jan. I've got this DVD, yeah–

Not in that way!

God, this is all I need!

Barry

Is this still about the suggestion box, Janet? Because, you know, if you didn't really want constructive advice, you should never have introduced it!

[Confused] I was talking about the rain. [Angrily] Although, I wanted suggestions for fun social events, not personal attacks!

Lilian

Aww, did he have a go at your frumpy clothes?

No. He said my short temper and abrasive manner only serve to…

Barry

Alienate people.

You try doing my job! See how many smiles you crack!

Minicky Monicky!

Auntie Jantie!

[Waves bizarrely] Hello Pelopa!

[Waves back] Hello Peleepee!

Robin

Are we suddenly in Hawaii?

She's my auntie.

Sally

Oh?

I know I don't look old enough.

Sally

D'you not think?

No… there's quite a gap between Minicky's mum and me. I was a late baby.

Annie

A mistake.

No! Honestly, what a horrid thing to say! I mean, really, just vile!

Annie

Yeah, don't go overboard, love.

Well, it is. Really horrible. I won't take it from my mother, I certainly won't take it from you!

Robin

[talking about Janet's engagement] You need to ask yourself some serious questions, Jan. Is it real love? Is it real passion? Or are you just terrified of ending up alone?

I think so. Does it matter. And of course I am.