Heidi quotes from The Smoking Room

It was quite a difficult birth, though. I ripped. All the way round. I've got some pictures!

Aww, I should be singing Dane his lullaby now. Sending him off.. [Sings] Sleepy, sleep deep. Make not a peep. If baby should cry, he'll probably die. So lie still in bed, all snuggled not dead.

So, did you miss me?

Robin

When?

When I was away.

Robin

[Blank look]

To have my baby.

Robin

[Blank look]

Don't you remember? We had that baby shower. The lads from packing dressed up as The Supremes, sang Baby Love.

Robin

[Blank look]

The 4th floor gave me that SuperDoopa buggy. We were laughing because little Tina Swanson could fit in it. We pushed her down the corridor?

Robin

[Blank look]

She fell out and broke her collar bone.

Robin

[Blank look]

Ben from the post room showed us all his bum.

Robin

Oh yeah! Ben's arse.

Annie

Gimme an H!

H.

Annie

Gimme an O!

O.

Annie

Gimme an L!

L.

Annie

Gimme another L!

L!

Robin

No, Annie. There's only one L in it.

Annie

What?

Robin

Holiday.

Annie

Oh! You might have let me finish spelling it.

Robin

But you weren't spelling it, you were spelling some made up word with too many L's in.

Sally

You haven't had her struggling to spell Faliraki all morning.

Annie

Actually Sally, it was thought for a while I might be dyslexic.

Sally

Who thought that?

Annie

I did. Anyway, I know how to spell P.I.S.E.D, and that's what I'm gonna be! [spots box of cigarettes Lilian brought back from Greece] Ooh! Foreign ciggies?

Robin

Yeah.

Annie

Can I try one? [Robin passes her one]

[Looking through Lilian's holiday snaps] This looks quite the tacky affair. No wonder poor Tess had her jaw dislocated. That's why Keith insists we holiday in this country… don't get all the rowdiness.

Annie

No, or any of the fun.

Keith always says—and I've come to agree with him—that anything you can find abroad is right here on our doorstep.

Sally

Oh, yeah. Cause there's a pyramid out the end of my road, and the Leaning Tower of Pisa's by the roundabout.

Pyramids are nothing compared to Chatsworth House.

Is… this the smoking room?

Sally

No, love. We're all just wild free-thinkers who won't respect authority.

I'm not.

So the smoking room is–

Sally

Here. This is the smoking room.

Oh, gotcha.

Barry

[Grinning lecherously] Take a pew. Come and join us.

Ta.

Barry

Tell us all about yourself.

I better go and find Clint. [holds up pictorial evidence of Miranda photocopying her own head] Get him to fix the photocopier.

[childishly] Oops. [Barry chuckles awkwardly] Cor, it's a bit grim in here, isn't it?

Barry

Yes–

Sally

No!

Annie

It used to be quite oppressive, but they painted it not so long back.

What an icky colour to chose, this murky yellow.

Sally

It's beige!

Annie

With a hint of a tint. They did tell us what shade it was. Oh, what was it, Barry?

Barry

[Staring at Miranda's legs] Cream explosion.

Robin

Oh, this frigging machine! Press for coffee and it's given me… mushroom soup… oh, but they got the sugar right!

Robin?

Robin

Miranda?

Robin!

Robin

Miranda!

Robs!

Robin

Rands! [They kiss]

Annie

Do you two know each other?

Robin

Long time, no see.

Yeah! So, where you working these days?

Robin

Well… here.

Oh… yeah… You look so different.

Sally

[To Annie] Come on, missus. We don't need a trip down memory lane with these two. [They get up to leave]

Barry

So, how do you two know each other?

We were at school together.

Robin

She was my girlfriend. [Sally and Annie immediately turn around to sit back down again]

Honestly Lois, my little boy will be up to your waist!

Lois

D'you wanna make something of it?

[Frightened] No.

Lois

I can't help being small, like I don't suppose you can help being boring, but you don't have to insult me!

Lois

I've had this all my life: "Oi, diddy woman, why aren't you at the circus?" I'm a secretary, and what do they expect me to do, sit on a trapeze and TYPE!?

[Cowering up against the wall] Don't know.

[Marching into the room clapping to get everyone's attention] Ok, so.

Lois

[to Heidi] So if you ever mention my size again, I'll knock your TWO FRIGGING EYES INTO ONE!

LOIS! Thank you.

I had an imaginary friend.

Lilian

Just the one?

Mm. I would have liked another one, but… I lacked the imagination…