Sharon quotes from The Smoking Room

Sharon

Now, I take it you've all heard the sad news about Martin.

Len

[Looking up and shaking his fist] Bastard!

Sharon

Len, he's not even in his grave!

Len

God's a bastard.

Sharon

Oh, fine.

Sharon

Still, if people would observe the company rule about not opening attachments.

Lilian

You don't always know they're not work related. I opened one this morning from a client. It was the filthiest thing I've ever clapped eyes on!

Robin

Was it the woman with the donkey?

Lilian

Yeah.

Barry

I think you'll find it was a mule.

Lilian

I can understand the animal enjoying itself, but what could that dirty bitch get out of it?

Barry

Well, from what I saw, lockjaw.

Lilian

I can't get it out me head.

Barry

That's probably what she was thinking.

Robin

Yeah, um, this is the thing, actually, Sharon. I've heard it can be quite dangerous. I've heard that your testicles—if you have them—can become quite inflamed if they, you know, get caught in the crossfire.

Barry

You'll want to check that out, Sharon. You don't want another lawsuit on your hands.

Sharon

Barry, let's not have the saga of your broken thumb, again.

Annie

Is that true, about your knackers?

Robin

Yeah, it's happened to loads of people.

Annie

Right? Janet? You can put my name down on that list.

Oh, that's wonderful!

Sharon

It's what we could do more of in this company: team spirit.

Annie

And I'll tell you someone else who's name you can put down there: Clint. [points finger gun] Pew! Pew! [blows on finger gun]

Len

And whatever fucker signed my name up for it.

Lilian

Yeah, and snap-happy Ranjit. There's a paintball with his name on it, too.

Sally

Oh, well, if we're all chipping in, put that Gordon Evans down from upstairs.

Robin

What's he ever done to you?

Sally

Just don't like him.

Sharon

No, no. The paintballing is meant to be a bonding exercise to boost morale. I'm not having it abused by people just out to enjoy themselves!

Annie

But–

Sharon

Did you not consider all this, Janet?

It wasn't my idea!

Sharon

It is not going to turn into one big grudge match! There is going to have to be a serious rethink!

Sharon

Did you get any nice presents?

Lilian

Oh… well…

Lois

I got her some potpourri.

Lilian

Mm.

Sharon

Lovely! What scent?

Lilian

Oh, it doesn't smell.

Lois

[Shakes her head, smiling]

Sharon

So… just some dead leaves in a bowl?

Lilian

Yep.

Lois

[Nods her head, still smiling enthusiastically]

Clint

Snowball fight now! The victor gets free ciggies all day tomorrow, or just buy me some baccy. Sal?

Sally

Save yourself the embarrassment, Clint, I'd murder you.

Clint

Word. Rob?

Robin

I've barely got the energy to lift my ciggie, nevermind lob snowballs.

Clint

[Turning to Sharon] I don't suppose...

Sharon

Are you asking me to come out for a snowball fight?

Clint

Yeah... Yeah, I suppose I am.

Sharon

Well thank you. Thank you so much for seeing a person sitting here and not just some distant authority figure. Prehaps my message is finally getting through. I may be the boss, but-.. No. I am definitely the boss, but I am still a co-worker. Of course I don't actually want to throw snowballs, it's puerile behaviour.

Lilian

Oh I saw a film once where they were all snowed in. 'Snowed In' it was called. And eventually they all had to eat each other! Imagine that. Human flesh.

Sharon

I wouldn't mind a wee taste.

Lilian

Well, I suppose if your life depended on it...

Sharon

Oh, if my life depended on it I'd tuck in with no qualms!